u/poplapmeisiekind

TW: mention of abuse

I had to get a protection order against my dBPD father almost a year ago following relentless harassment and stalking once I went No Contact. Given the extensive evidence and imminent threat, it was an open shut case. After 26 years of verbal, physical, and financial abuse I knew he was never going to change or be anything but a danger to me. And I have had so much peace since getting the order.

But I also have such an immense sense of grief. He's still alive, but for all intents and purposes, he's dead to me. And I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I miss the good parts of him so much. Abuse is so cruel; the memories I have of us in his honeymoon phases are as real to me as the ones of fleeing the house in the middle of the night with just a rucksack after punches thrown. I am so relieved I'll never have to experience his rage ever again. But I am devastated that I'll also never be hugged by him again, or go for a long walk on the beach together.

And right now is one of those moments where I really need a hug from my good-memories-dad. And I'm just so sad that l'll never be able to one ever again.
I know l'm not the first or last person to get a protection/restraining order against their parent, but l haven't met anyone else yet. If you have gone through this, or have any similar experience, any advice you might have is so very welcome.

[Context: I’m (27F) about 14 years into recovery from AN - I know that seems like ages ago. But it took me years of therapy and overcoming fears to get to a point where I am kind to myself, listen to my body, eat in front of people, and don’t care what the scale says.]

I’ve be one good mates with one of my boyfriend’s best friends, and last night while eating ice cream on my bed after a hearty supper, she said, “I feel so safe with you at meal times because I never feel like you’ll judge me for having a big appetite”. She shared that in her circles, it is common for people to comment on that sort of thing and how often she’ll leave get togethers hungry. It made me sad hearing that she experiences this, but I’m honoured that she feels safe to be herself fully with me.

I know this might not be a recovery win in the true sense, but man I never thought I’d ever get to the point in my relationship with food where it would have a positive impact on another person!

I (27F) was only recently diagnosed and the first person I shared this with was my boyfriend (27M). He didn’t really know much about autism but was incredibly honoured I told him, and I couldn’t have felt safer. We’ve been together about 1.5 years and just when I thought he couldn’t be a lovelier person, he proved me wrong in a coffee shop.

We love going to a café and playing card games (like Rummy or Palace) while sipping our drinks. He asked if he could teach me Cambio; it’s a somewhat tricky game with lots of rules and requires a lot of working memory. After a few rounds, he suggests we play a different card game and says, “If you want, we can order a muffin to share before we switch games so your brain has time to transition between the different rules?”

My heart nearly exploded. He’d gone and done extensive research into autism and the kinds of challenges I face. I grew up with parents who called me names for things like overwhelm in loud environments, struggling with the seams of school socks, and for getting too excited about my special interests. So being in a relationship with someone so accepting and supportive is so foreign to me.

I know it might seem like a small thing that he wanted to understand my need for transition time, but to me it meant him saying, “I see you, I support you, and I love you”.