u/rachelsrentals

TLDR: my narcissistic ex husband says he wants to talk. When asked what it was regarding, he says “closure”. We’ve scheduled a discussion in person next week. How should I prepare? Is it a bad idea to agree to this?

I’m looking for advice. I’m currently about to finally sign my divorce. It’s been hell, and I can’t wait to be done. Long story short, I was in a relationship with a narcissist, once I learned about what was happening and my eyes opened to the abuse, I decided to leave him. I was 4 months postpartum with our first. I didn’t want to expose the baby to the abuse. After I decided to be done and it became clear to him, then things got uglier every day until I was granted a full stay away order of protection which meant he could not communicate with me at all about anything except the baby, and we couldn’t be in any of the same spaces together except for exchanges of the baby at neutral locations. This order was a godsend and the only way I’ve been able to survive this process. I can’t imagine if we were still under the same roof.

Anyway, as we’re wrapping up the divorce, I dropped the order down to a no offensive contact order which is less extreme and basically he just can’t harass me. We can be in the same spaces and we can communicate beyond just the baby. I have exclusive use and rights of my house, so we’ll obviously remain living separate.

I’ve done a lot of healing and feel like my self worth has come back. I’m certainly not “healed” but I think I’m in a much more mature emotional state, much more aware of my boundaries, and tolerate much less bullshit. I’ve also finally stopped letting my ex steal so much of my energy and mental space. It’s taken awhile.

We have a baby. He’s getting 50/50. We’re going to be in each other’s lives forever unfortunately. He also has his new supply source already and so he’s been kinder to me. I do understand him wanting a conversation for “closure” since we went full no contact with the order of protection. However, before that order was granted, I must’ve explained to him 100 times why I was done and why I didn’t deserve this, and how his treatment was abusive. As you all know, there’s no getting through to a narcissist. In fact, he simply just accused me of being one and deflected everything he ever did on to me.

I agreed to have the conversation, and then he responded with some date over a week away. This felt like an intentional way to once again get under my skin. Who says “we need to talk” then blows the person off for a week? But I try to remain unbothered on the surface and show no reaction. So I agreed to meet next Wednesday. When I asked him what the conversation would be regarding, he said “closure”. I was honestly assuming it would be that he’s moving in with his new flame and she’d be playing step mom to our baby. There’s still a chance it could be this, but closure threw me for a loop.

Anyway to sum it up, I’m looking for some advice. I’m sure he’s expecting me to show up and make a bunch of apologies so he can feel better about himself. I’m not going to do that. I certainly don’t believe I’ll get any real apologies from him. But in a way, this feels like my chance to speak firmly and confidently in my decision, and defend every action throughout this divorce with integrity. Not explain myself, just stand on my decisions. And try and keep it focused on how we will coparent moving forward. I truly don’t want to show any emotion because he feeds off that. That will be the hardest part, because I still cry every day about the situation. Has anyone attempted a conversation like this with a narc? Any advice? Is this a horrible idea and should I not put myself in this situation? We’re meeting at a public place and I fully plan to get up and leave the second he starts attacking my character. I will show zero tolerance for his abuse anymore. I think that might surprise him. I think it will feel empowering to me. Help me out—what should I do/say?

Has anyone else experienced being called the narcissist by their narcissistic partner? The craziest part to me is that I don't think this was just him calling me another name. He truly believes it. I saw on his chatgpt he was researching covert narcissists, and I guess the traits confirmed to him he was right about me. I try so hard to think of this from his perspective and how it could seem that way. At the end of our marriage, I finally stopped engaging, and became a grey rock. This made him furious, and I was accused of the silent treatment (this is a covert narcissistic trait). Additionally, I would not apologize to him for communicating that he crossed my boundary (this was the blow up "issue" that caused the downfall of our marriage. He demanded over and over that I needed to take accountability). Because I would not take ownership for this (in his mind 'starting the fight' because I expressed he crossed my boundary and took away my autonomy), he tells everyone I'm incapable of taking accountability. This is another covert narcissist trait. I grew up with a tough home life. My mother was abusive, and my father committed suicide. At times when we went to therapy in the past, I told him maybe I struggled to express or openly show love because it was not modeled to me growing up. This was weaponized to be me "playing the victim". Another box checked for him. If I ever complained about a bad day at work, or my boss being unreasonable, he then also accused me of "being a victim". When I called him out for his psychological abuse towards me at the end of our marriage, this was another example he thought meant I was playing the victim. I also sought an order of protection and it was granted. Another example of me being a victim in his mind. Finally- he said I was on a "smear campaign" because I confided in friends at the end of my marriage about what was going on. He had no proof of what I shared with them, just the assumption I must've been sharing bad things about him (i.e. no longer covering for him). I was seeing friends more often then I had, I needed the support, so this was his "proof" I was smearing his name. Oh, and the fact that I didn't let him read my text messages with my sisters.

I guess all this to say, has anyone else experienced similar projections? Does it make you question everything? Do you start to wonder if you actually are a narcissist? The other day I noticed on his social media that he follows multiple narcissistic abuse survival type accounts. This was maddening to me. While I recognize I wasn't loving to him in the end because I was so calloused from his abuse, I was never blatantly abusive myself. Have others experienced this?

Is there anyone out there that had split custody and still successfully sleep trained? I’ve been working so hard on it with my 10 month old, but I feel hopeless because when she goes to her father’s our progress is derailed. I know he hasn’t read the materials I sent him, and he hasn’t followed the directions. The only way for this to work is extreme consistency. He lives with his parents and I also know there’s no way grandma will let the baby cry. The method I’m following is Taking Cara Babies. Crying is involved unfortunately. Many of my friends have recommended this and had great success. It’s not sustainable to continue multiple night wakings nearly a year in as a single mom and working full time. I need to do it as much as it hurts my heart. I guess I’m just wondering if there are any success stories out there, and if anyone has advice for me? She goes there on Tuesday and Saturday nights for now, and he’ll have another night starting next month.

Hi all,

I’ve been following the Taking Cara Babies method with pop ins for my 10 month old. The first few nights were very rough. I’ve learned the pop ins just make my baby more upset so I try and just stay out of the room. I thought she finally got it down after the past 2 nights were perfect (one night didn’t wake once, and then one night woke for 5 minutes and put herself back to sleep), and now tonight we’re going on nearly 2 hours of straight crying. My friends have said once they get it they are good, so I’m not sure why we’re suddenly having a major regression. I checked her temp and I know she’s not sick. Just wondering if others have had this experience? I’m so tired and I was getting so excited that she was finally sleep trained. I guess I jinxed it. The other part making me so upset is that tomorrow she will sleep at her dad’s (yes I have shared custody with a baby under one, it’s devastating). Over the past 4 nights we’ve worked so hard. Now after this regression and then going to his house, I feel like we’ll have to start all over again when she’s back at mine. I work full time, being up for 2 hour chunks while she screams is why I’ve avoided the training for so long. Up until recently, I would just bring her in my bed after her first night waking usually around midnight. I know that’s why this adjustment has been extra hard for her, but that was no longer sustainable, I was waking too often from her squirming around and it was unsafe if I woke before her and wasn’t there the second she woke up because she could crawl off the bed.

Does anyone have experience with long stretches of crying happening even after they seemed to have learned? And is there anyone out there that was successful with sleep training when they shared custody? Feeling hopeless 😔