u/robert_girlyman

Well I drank too much caffeine with my vivance so I am prob gonna be up all night. I thought I might as well do some good while I'm here.

Check in with me, how are you doing? Good or bad or anything else I will do my best to respond with advice and if nothing else kindness.

- Robert_girlyman

Recently I have been getting a lot of hate in pms from people in the main hazbin subs who seem to absolutely despise that I am in to darkships and don't seem to have this weird moral attachments to fictional characters who are in HELL and act like I personally shot their grandma for liking Valangel

My question for all of you who might have your own two cents on the matter is why? Why are the people on the main sub more sensitive than an exposed nerve ending. Why do they feel like of all the terrible real things in the world that effect real people, all the atrocities and genocides, wars, crisis, and real people suffering. They choose to die on the hill of witch hunting me for the fictional ships that I like

It's stupid, immature, utterly childish, and needlessly hurtful and hateful over something that's not even real.

Today is one of those days. I've had days like these for the past 6 years of my life, days where I lock my self away from everyone in my life because some part of my being is inexorably corrupted and I am not in control of my own actions.

I wish I could put in to words how it feels just so someone else could even try to understand. I can't really describe it but I will try my best because this is a public reddit post and you all want to gawk at my mental anguish.

It starts as this feeling that something is very wrong compounded with a pounding headache and biting your own cheek, everything feels like it's designed to set you off and you will snap at even the smallest of things, from there you can't think about the past or future or think about anything that is happening. Only that some person or group of people is out to get you, secretly in control. And you are the only one who can see it. I am overcome with this hatred for everything around myself including myself. Its like seeing through all the lies you tell yourself to function in society and see through to how utterly horrid every part of society is. Every fear is amplified to the point that it is no longer a thought but a fact regardless of anything you see or hear. An example being: 'That car outside your house IS a Mossad agent and they ARE coming to kill you' it doesn't matter that you know that car belongs to your neighbor or that you've seen your neighbor who obviously isn't a Mossad agent get out of that car minutes prior. Once you think something you can't not think it.

And all of that is on the less severe end. At worst these thoughts become full auditory hallucinations that have driven me to attempting to hurt myself or others, these events were much more common before I learned to hide myself away from others during these incidents. My conscious self will get that headache, feel like I blacked out and when I 'wake up' I find my phone full of political writings that the people in my life who don't grasp my condition see as 'deeply concerning'. I have almost no memory of my psychotic breaks and they have been getting significantly more frequent as I have grown older as well as far more severe.

Every day at this point feels like I am not ever very far from that point and especially the paranoia and headaches have become commonplace. I fear that people in my life are plotting to admit me to a psychiatric care facility even though they have no clue how deep my condition goes or how long i have had it. I feel a need to look out my window at every passing siren to make sure it's not the police here to arrest me even though I have committed no crime. My life feels strange like everything isn't quite real. I have been having trouble remembering even recent things and days have become bland meaningless and blended together into a melancholic amalgamation. The only solace I can find is the 45 min to one hour period of high I feel every day taking my prescribed vivance though it fades just as fast.

I am in truth scared as I feel my conscious self being in control of my life less and less and I fear that soon one of my breaks will be so severe I seriously hurt someone or that I will never truly come down from a break.

Pls help. I just need advice or anything at all. I feel like I am a corpse being puppeted by some greater evil force that I cannot control and I want it to stop. How do I make it stop.

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I'm going to start by just saying how it is.

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I don't get people. More accurately, I don't think about things or feel them the way other people do, It's not that I don't feel emotion. But emotions and feelings manifest themselves as more of physical sensations than anything else, I've never really gotten angry as far as I can remember, I move on from losses and bad news quickly (its like a dropping in my chest and then it fades and I'm just over it) most of the time I feel a sort of cold permanent neutrality about things, another thing is I find the majority if not 100% of things other people think about and emotionally invest in on a daily basis to somethkng I give absolutely zero thought to, examples being mainly controversial social issues, religion, social media, romantic interests, interpersonal drama, and the desire for the praise of others. When people say you 'should' or 'are supposed to' feel a certain way about something, I don't really understand that. I also have a very hard time being empathic to others when they are going through the majority of things, it's not that I don't care about how they feel, but that I find why they feel that way to be kind of dumb. I tend to see cause and effect far far more than I see right and wrong and I've always lived my life seeing the world through the lense that there are no good or evil things, everything is just 'things' to me. Things have consequences, and that is a fact, but emotionally, I have very little investment in those consequences unless they directly threaten my life or freedom.

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The worst part is that I no matter how hard I try, I can't find anyone like me, not in my own family, not in anyone I know and not anywhere on the internet.

I remember when I was the only person in the hazbin community who even knew about Warhammer (my reddit user is literally a 40k reference)

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Out of all the communities that would have huge crossover, Warhammer and Hazbin Hotel was NOT expected at all.

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: )

Recently over the last two days everything inside of my head has felt strange, my temper has been strange I feel these weird swings of emotion... I have these feelings of paranoia or straight up dillusion that I belive to no end is real.

In the last 3 days I've shut myself away from my roommates, and tried to communicate as little to my family or friends as possible

I tried to reach out and everyone just tells me I'm being a piece of shit and to stop. They all just make it so much worse and they all blame me.

I feel like I am going crazy and I am the only one who can see it. Also I swear to God I am occasionally hearing things and seeing things out of the corners of my eyes like little white strands floating in the air. But I might just be paranoid

I'm terrified of what is happening to me. Please if you know anything please tell me.

How are all of you? Do you have something you need off your chest? Do you just have something you think is cool?

I will reply to all comments.