Check my post history for context. But when looking for a meaningful relationship, how do you avoid men that are mirroring your wants in order to gain access to you?
I’m not the avoidant, my ex-boyfriend was though. He abruptly broke up with me a week ago, even tho I anticipated it for about a month, it was still abrupt. He lashed out, crashed out, did the whole 9. Has since of course profusely apologized for his behavior and in a way I’ve forgiven him because I’m familiar with the behavior of avoidants and I don’t take their actions or words very seriously. ANYWAY next week is my 31st and in avoidant fashion my ex was planning my birthdays, so much so that the day before he abruptly broke up with me he sent me a 3 day itinerary. I had still planned to follow the itinerary, solo, but last night i was feeling intense and suggested he come which is what i know he’s been dying me to say. I’ve rejected his offer a few times because how nuts is it to hand out with you on my birthday when you just broke my heart, and now as “friends”. Complete bullshit, but anyway i tried to go along with it until i was ready to let go. But last night. His texts to me completely gave me the ICK and i can’t figure out why. I feel completely detached to him now (we dated 5 months so not long at all) but he did love bomb me, plan a future, meet the fam/friends, all of that, so i feel a little sick to my stomach . Happy birthday to me!
Providing an update as I wanted to list reasons/context
I (30F) just got blindsided by my boyfriend (31M) of 5 months and I genuinely feel shell-shocked by how everything unfolded.
For context: this relationship felt very serious to me. We talked about the future, family, partnership, finances, kids, etc. He constantly reassured me, called me thoughtful/intelligent/beautiful, integrated into my life, met my family, and acted very emotionally invested. I felt safe with him and thought we were building toward something long-term.
Then basically out of nowhere this week, after sending me a 3 day itinerary of things he planned for my birthday, he ended the relationship the next day and unloaded a LOT of feelings/views he apparently had been holding in for a long time. This is the 2nd or 3rd time this has happened to me in my life when someone I spent a lot of time with abruptly ended the friendship/relationship by dumping things on me and creating a false identity about me, and treating me as if I’m that person. I mean, being downright cruel almost.
The core issue seems to be that he has a very rigid worldview around race/community and believes I’m “too accepting” of non-Black people. I’m a Black woman, went to an HBCU, founded an organization for Black women/WOC, etc., but because I have a few white friends and move comfortably in diverse spaces, he started saying things like:
- “Black girls don’t do that.”
- “You want to be friends with everybody.”
- “You’re too accepting.”
- “You’re on the other side of the line.”
- implied I had some kind of identity issue/crisis
- called me a C**N
The thing is… none of this was communicated clearly during the relationship. He knew from VERY early on that I had interracial friendships. He saw pictures, met people in my life, etc. Yet he continued deepening the relationship, reassuring me, talking future, having sex with me, integrating families, etc. Then all at once during the breakup, it became this giant issue.
The breakup got increasingly ugly. He started criticizing things about my appearance, hair extensions, femininity, openness, personality, etc. Then he pivoted into explicit sexual criticism about oral sex in a way that honestly humiliated me and made me feel degraded. He sent me a voice message yelling at me, saying “i shouldn’t have to teach you”, “im too grown to teach you how to do something you should know by the time you’re 25. You should just know. It’s elementary” “you should know how to please a man you’re 30 years old” “you got better as time went on that’s because i was training you” …. I finally told him never to contact me again after that. But he did. He followed up with a voice message saying “I feel like I’ve been just tearing you down and that’s not my intention here are all the things I love about you..” it was INSANE.
What’s confusing me is that after saying all these deeply hurtful things, he keeps oscillating between:
- apologizing,
- reminiscing about good memories,
- saying he loves me,
- complimenting my body, (which disgusted me)
- saying I’m a “great girl,”
- wanting to spend my birthday together “as friends,” (????? Absolutely NUTS???)
- saying he doesn’t want bad blood,
- etc.
So I honestly feel emotionally whiplashed.
Part of me is trying to reconcile:
How does someone simultaneously say they love you/enjoyed you while also spending hours criticizing your identity, worldview, and even your sexual performance?
I know we probably ARE incompatible in some ways. 100% especially after this performance. I’m honestly having a hard time understanding how I didn’t see this and how I’ve let this person into my life; But I feel deeply blindsided because I repeatedly asked alignment questions throughout the relationship specifically to avoid ending up in this exact situation.
I guess my questions are:
I’m not responding to him anymore, even after my multiple attempts to tell him to leave me alone he was still sending me voice messages last night exclaiming what he missed about me and how he wants to “remember the good times”, but I genuinely feel kind of shaken by this entire experience.
My birthday is next week and i got broken up with yesterday. We were together around 5 months, and he blindsided me with a text “I’ve been thinking about our relationship we need to talk I’ll call you after I leave the gym”. I immediately called him, and he dumped all of these reasons why we aren’t compatible. I just saw him Monday, he just sent me my birthday itinerary yesterday, and now today? It feels like emotional whiplash. Everything he mentioned he hasn’t really mentioned before. So it was all shock to me. Heartbroken isn’t even the word.
Sometimes, infrequently, after intercourse I experience the most excruciating cramps that last hours. No bleeding, no vomiting, no diarrhea, just excoriating cramps for hours with very little relief from Tylenol. I did go see a gynecologist yesterday and he noted that I’ve been experiencing uterine spasms. He suggested pelvic floor exercises but does anyone else experience this? I’m scared to have sex again with my boyfriend!
I’ve never been in one longer than 90 days that was substantial/forward-thinking. About to hit the 4 month mark with my partner, and I find myself trying to speed up the pace not on purpose, but out of a pattern. I don’t want to do this, he even had to remind me yesterday that this relationship is still new, and I had to self-regulate and correct myself. We have had convos about the future, family, etc & have met each others family/friends. He’s honestly been the best partner I’ve had in my adult life, so it made me scared to lose that when I’ve been dealt really crappy cards over the years with friendships/relationships. I’m always prepared for someone to walk away. Anyway, does anyone else struggle with this? He made a very simple yet true statement yesterday “if one day you or I decide that we are not aligned I do not think that will negate everything we’ve shared prior to.” and “I am intentionally choosing you but I want you to not forget that this relationship is still new. I am actively still learning who you are” and he was right, I felt so crappy and insecure. But I don’t want to get to the point where I’m feeling insecure about something & that fear will spark up a need to control an outcome. So that’s what I did yesterday. I felt an insecurity and i wanted him to confirm he was committed to me forever, but how silly is that 4 months in???