u/samsonscomputer

I have racist thoughts, racism again black people. I am Asian myself.
I feel hate coming up towards black people.
On delving deeper, I have also contempt for anything non-white (despite me being brown)
Hate towards my own? Like white people are the best. Almost like Hitler thinking?

This fits in with my narcissistic traits.

We give charity to poor people in Africa so we can tell ourselves we aren't racist (including me).

I can see now just how widespread it is in society and ingrained. I believe most are not even aware of having it and lie to themselves they treat everyone equally and think of everyone as equal.

I also feel bias come up towards people that are in a wheelchair, disabled people, homeless people, like they are inferior (u are less than cause u cant walk or dont have a house). And for anyone to say what if u ever get in that position, then my answer is that i would just feel contempt and hatred towards myself (i already have a lot of self hatred).

i also got feelings coming up that whoever has a job in blue collar are inferior than those in white collar. Like only white collar job is respectable in my mind

I feel hatred, contempt, disgust, superiority come up as feelings

Is this my narc superiority trait just latched onto race, job, etc.?
Can anyone relate to this or have it come up in their shadow?

I can also see how deep my projection was about this in the past. Makes me think those advocating for equality, etc very strongly that some of them may be doing the same?

Part of it is also my upbringing, a lot of hidden messages about black people. Very very covert of my parents. But then would give charity to those same people. It messes u up

Hi all,

Anyone feel like they dont feel anything in their body when it comes to good and bad?

I know stealing is bad, but i dont feel it in my body. Same with murder, cheating, lying, etc. I dont feel any of these things as bad, I just know intellectually they are bad and I shouldn't do them.

I know these things are not okay to do because I was taught that religion says it's bad or the law says you will go to jail for it. I was taught by unhealed people, who also couldn't feel, how to be and behave because of religion, fear, their opinions, etc.

I need to act and put a face on when someone says something about murder or stealing, but I do not feel anything about it at all.

I feel mentally healthy people feel guilt or shame or other feeling when it comes to good and bad? Or even disgust or repulsion?

I have been doing Somatic Experiencing with parts popping up here and there for just over a year so I am getting slowly in touch with my body but I cannot still feel any of this as bad in the body.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Hi all,

Anyone feel like they dont feel anything in their body when it comes to good and bad?

I know stealing is bad, but i dont feel it in my body. Same with murder, cheating, lying, etc. I dont feel any of these things as bad, I just know intellectually they are bad and I shouldn't do them.

I know these things are not okay to do because I was taught that religion says it's bad or the law says you will go to jail for it. I was taught by unhealed people, who also couldn't feel, how to be and behave because of religion, fear, their opinions, etc.

I need to act and put a face on when someone says something about murder or stealing, but I do not feel anything about it at all.

I feel mentally healthy people feel guilt or shame or other feeling when it comes to good and bad? Or even disgust or repulsion?

I have been doing Somatic Experiencing with parts popping up here and there for just over a year so I am getting slowly in touch with my body but I cannot still feel any of this as bad in the body.

Can anyone else relate to this?

The biggest thing I learned and skill i am learning with my SEP is grounding.

Grounding is where u feel calm and at ease according to your capacity. When i first started it was hard to downregulate and stay there as I was in a freeze state.

Grounding is important because that's where the sensations and emotions have the possibility to be processed and released. Now when I ground myself, I will usually have some stuff come up and process.

I do grounding the following ways:
- orienting: look around the room for a few mins. Doing this will make me yawn
- i squeeze my arms (squeeze left arm with right hand and vice versa). This show myself I am here.
- stretch arms out to my sides and then lift them up to my head. This shows me I have space
- put my hand at my brainstem (back of my head). Helps me downregulate.

Doing all for about 10-15mins helps me breathe deeper, yawn, feel calmer, etc. U can do them in any order but I find orienting the best one to start with to show the body I am safe. Once I am in this state, emotions and sensations will flow more freely and process by either tingling sensations, throbbing, tremoring, shaking, etc. Just let come up what there is to come up. Sometimes it's just a good cry. Sometimes there is nothing that comes up and that's okay too, in my case it means my body is preparing for something bigger to come up so it's building the capacity.

I see grounding as a meditation. Whenever I get too much into thinking or intellectualising or making up stories, I start orienting and try to calm my system down. Whenever I start thinking, I start to ground myself again. Sometimes hours can pass between me grounding myself, sometimes less.

Hope that helps

I had a productive session today with my SEP where I felt I got deeper into understanding my beliefs and what they are and how they come to be.

We worked with social anxiety and what came up was that people are dangerous and being seen means death for me. I was always made to believe that social anxiety was hereditary. But after doing SE for just over a year, I am able to get to the roots of my beliefs.

After that came up, we worked with it by doing an exercise where I am sitting in a park and there is no one there. Then someone walks in the park, then feel what comes up then. We titrated. Then I couldn't look at my SEP because I felt seen and I had to look away to my right side and then I felt sensations on my left jaw come up. We stayed there as I was at an edge, i couldn't turn my face back and see him.

I know people ask here a lot how SE sessions go. This is how they go, but not every session is like this. Every session is different.

Another reason why I wanted to write this out was because I understood today it's all about deepseated beliefs that then manifest as ocd, people pleasing, hypervigilance, social anxiety, etc. The beliefs aren't direct beliefs but indirect beliefs of what the nervous system understood of being brought up in a certain environment.

I wasn't directly told by my parent 'hey watch my mood and cater for me' but rather my parent would tell me that 'elders need to be respected' and an environment where I couldn't say no if my parent gave me a task and more ofcourse. My nervous system learned and was taught 'watch my moods and cater for me'. So here is where people pleasing and hypervigilance were born out of.

Mind
My greatest asset
Of thinking
Of making decisions
All nerves come from your center
But also
In keeping me safe
By intellectualising
By overthinking
By keeping me in a loop
With good reason
Pun intented
To keep me safe
So I wouldnt go into the body
Because it was too overwhelming
So I lived in my head
My whole life
But this is not your fault
It is not your fault
It is not your fault
You just kept me safe
From everything
You still do it
You hijack me
Thank you for doing that
Also disassociating
Such a big burden you were given
I am sorry
I am very sorry
You are overworked for years
Thank u for keeping me safe
When you are ready, you can go back to your original role
But not immediately
Because I still couldn't cope if you would go right now
Maybe stay a little longer
Because I don't know if I am ready to let you go
I found solace in you
Friendship in you
Because you kept me company always
You will always be a part of me
Just not overworked anymore
When you are ready
I will wait as long as needed
My sincerest apologies for having to work so much since childhood
And my sincerest gratitude to you
My mind
My greatest asset
I couldn't have made it without you
Thank u deeply from the deepest and purest part of my heart

My nervous system
U did what u had to do
To survive
My fawning
Is not a weakness
Even though i hated it all my life
It is because of a harsh father
Beating me for stupid stuff
Escalating minor stuff
Punishing me
Putting deepseated fear inside of me
That today i live in fear and anxiety all the time
So i appeased him
And everyone else
This was not weakness
It was never weakness
It was never weakness It was never weakness
The system did what it had to do
My system chose it
Fawn, u chose me I didn't know
But u chose me I didn't choose u
But u chose me
Thank u for choosing me
It is an honor to serve u
From this day onwards i promise
No more complaining about u
No more feeling hatred for people pleasing
I accept u I accept u fully and totally
My deepest gratitude to u to choose me and keep me safe
I bow down to u kneel down to u
My infinite gratitude to u

Edit: formatting

im sorry
i had to disconnect u
body
body from mind
this is the greatest disservice they could do upon a child
to disconnect us
we were one
but we became separated
im sorry
i had to ignore u my body for so long
it was my way of keeping us safe
i didnt know any better
and even if i did, there was nothing i could do
i couldnt run away
or go to social services
because what if they put me back in the same family after their investigation
i remember wanting to call the police
but i just couldnt as a child
i thought by not running away or calling police, that i wasnt protecting myself
but today i understand i did protect myself by not doing those things
i did what i had to do to survive
i turned into the golden child by manipulating everyone
i just did it to survive

Hi all,

There are days i feel compassion for my parts and my system. And i will also tell them that and sit with them. I will have deep compassion and acceptance.

But there are other days I just cannot feel that and I will feel hatred or resentment or feel stuck with the same parts and system.

What do i do on those days? Do i just fake compassion or do i show my hatred for them? If i show compassion then i am faking it. I i show hatred/resentment then I feel like they feel hurt/sad as they were just coping. How do u guys deal with this?

Additional question: why do we feel one day deep compassion to our parts and system, but on other days we feel the opposite?

exiles
i dont need to fix you
fixing is only for things that are broken
you are not things
neither broken
just in pain
my children
let me heal you
you became fragmented
adapted
to a harsh environment
no child should go through that
definitely not mine
the worst is behind us
an adult could survive that
how could you my children
i wonder how you survived
i guess i always will
i cannot comprehend
but i am an adult
how can an adult not comprehend
how did a child comprehend it then
and adapt
it was great injustice
to you my children
grave
error
hard
no love
starved
not for food
but love
true love
and you grew up
how could u grow up
if u never received love
true love
no wonder i carry that
how could u have grown up
with such coldness
with no warmth
for your sadness
anger
how did u manage
did u just count down the days
such grave injustice
i am so sorry

I noticed today that when I speak to people I have either a superior or shaming undertone, depending on the conext, conversation, person, etc. It's very subtle and the other person will most of the time not even pick up on it.

I even tried today, after noticing it, to change it but I cant. Now i see it a lot of the time even in mundane conversations. It's just there, this subcurrent/undertone and very subtle. It just feels off and superficial, i dont know how else to describe it. Also my delivery can feel like that too.

Some more background/info: I have also realised today I am a covert narcissist, maybe not fully but i do tick the boxes. Also moral narcissism and intellectual narcissism. It's deep and very subtle as well. I believe to hide the shame of my childhood abuse and i make myself feel superior but deeply insecure deep inside of me. Even tho i am big ass people pleaser. It's hard to understand and know and look at myself in the mirror knowing all this. Very very humbling. I am also in therapy, somatic experiencing so now this is all coming to the surface.

Does anyone recognise this superior and shaming tone when they speak? How do u explain it from Jung pov? Share your thoughts, interested to know them.

I have a hard time standing up to my parents and putting my boundaries down already.

But I feel it gets even worse when I am being bribed (for lack of a better word).

For example: we go out as a family sometimes and then my parents pay most of the bill. And afterwards if they do something i dont like and i wanna say something about it, i feel like i cant because they paid for most of the bill. Because now i am being ungrateful. And it's a cycle of them doing nice things/bribing and i have to just go with it. It's so dysfunctional...

Anyone else experience this? Idk if i explained it properly