u/schwalisa

wir waren bis heute ein halbes jahr zusammen, er ist mein bester freund und ich vermisse ihn so. vor 2 Monaten ist er auf seine Weltreise aufgebrochen und ich habe ihn immer dabei unterstützt. nur leider, seit er weg ist, geht es mir schlechter und ich merke immer mehr wie sehr ich ihn "brauche". Er will gebraucht werden, an ihm liegt das Problem nicht. Aber immer öfter merke ich, wie nichts im Leben fur mich gut genug ist. Deswegen will ich ihn nicht mit mir runterziehen. Jede Woche hatten wir ein Gespräch über Trennung und sowas schadet der Beziehung, und macht seine Reise kaputt.

Wir haben eine echte, liebevolle und tolle Verbindung. Nie hatten wir Streit und er war immer mein Anker. Er glaubt an mich und will, dass ich meinen Erfolg im Leben bekomme. Aber ich bin gerade in so einem Loch und merke, dass ich einiges an mir ändern muss. Eine Fernbeziehung hilft mir nicht, es belastet mich nur noch mehr. Und irgendwann wird die Beziehung auch zu bequem, und meine Schatten werden deutlicher.

Er will Kinder, ich nicht. Das macht mich am meisten fertig. Weil ich weiss, dass spätestens dann bei Kinderwunsch die Wege auseinander gehen. Also doch besser so früh wie möglich Schluss zu machen, als jahrelang an einer Beziehung arbeiten.

Ich bin nicht stolz auf mich. Ich weiss, ich tue das Richtige, aber man, fuehlt es sich scheisse an, wenn das eigene Leben nicht gut genug ist, oder man selber immer das Opfer spielt. Ich habe so viele Fragen, so viele Gedanken und so viele Gefühle aus der Vergangenheit, die ich nicht loslassen kann. Ich fühle mich kränker und das liegt allein an mir. Ich muss lernen, mein eigenes Leben so zu gestalten, sodass ich stolz darauf sein kann. Mein Freund (muss mich von nun an gewöhnen Exfreund zu sagen...) verdient es nicht extra wegen mir zu leiden.

Ich vermisse ihn. Schon als er zu seiner Reise aufgebrochen ist. Aber jetzt noch mehr, weil ich weiss, dass er nicht zurück kommt.

As the title already says, I am looking for a sound pack/samplepack that includes lots of interesting effects, rhythmic percussions, perhaps a good serum preset bank.

I create a mix of Techno, Psytrance with witch house elements. My style is very "electronic" meaning I use serum for everything almost.

I like to "decorate" my tracks with one-shots from samples to add complexity, texture and atmosphere to places where things feel monotonous or stale.

Anybody has any recommendations? :)

hey, this year will be my very first time going to ozora and I will be traveling alone, setting up camp with my full gear. (tent, mattress, sleeping bag)

I want to know what the experience is like camping on the festival grounds. are you able to sleep at all? will the music be playing all night long?

what about, if I decide I need a full rest and I want to exit ozora for a day, sleep in a hotel room or Airbnb, and then return. has anyone experience with this sort of thing? I don't arrive with a car, I am reliant on public transport only (perhaps there are nice people who can take me on their ride? how do you organize that?)

I am simply asking because I am a person who gets exhausted very fast, especially in summer. I want to make sure I have options so I can have a pleasant and memorable stay at the festival :)

(if this information matters, I am a 23 year old female traveling by herself).

hi, I wanted to share a struggle I am currently dealing with. at the moment I am practicing my mixing and trying to get into the flow but I make so many mistakes and the flow of the set is all over the place. a few days ago I had a very good run.

at the end of the week I have my first gig and I am honestly afraid it will not go well based on my current practice.

does anyone have advice? I feel like I should get out of my head but I am still afraid to make a terrible set.

I mix psytrance, hard bounce, hard trance and some techno if anyone wants to know

I keep wondering how a person, who is mentally unstable (like me) can awaken to higher consciousness. I am not denying my evolution as a human, I think I did a great fkn job at dealing with life so far, but despite my achievements I still struggle immensely with extreme mood swings, rumination, depression, addiction, attachment. i feel like I am giving myself too much of a hard time trying to be "as spiritual and enlightened as humanly possible" but why wouldn't I want to live my best life, manifest money, recognition, fans of my artistry, my soulmate and allllll the good stuff life could possibly offer? when I see people getting what they wished for and beyond, because they broke their attachments or cleared some weird chakra or dumped their fiancee or whatever.. I get a bit pessimistic because I feel like that type of life magic cannot happen for me.. I am in the darkness a lot and that is consuming my life.

I feel like my mental health keeps playing tricks on me and when I am feeling really bad I become the worst version of myself. pessimistic, asshole, short tempered, lazy, dysfunctional.

some days are better, some are an absolute nightmare and the best I can do I bedrot and doomscroll.

anyone has similar thoughts or experiences?

For context

I was born and raised into an already problematic family where my mom (I am in no-contact with her) was emotionally immature, explosive and unstable while my father has been emotionally and physically absent and has more of an "this is getting overwhelming, I am leaving" vibe, so emotionally unavailable.

My parents had a messy marriage and then divorce when I was 10 and my dad left to return to his home country where he has now his "new family" with his fiancee, and my two half-sisters aged 10 and 8.

I am in no contact with anyone from my mom's side of the family because truthfully, most of them suck and keeping in contact is just emotionally exhausting. However I am in contact with my dad and his side of the family, and especially my grandparents are probably the nicest family members I had growing up. The general anxiety I feel around family disappears when I am with them, even when they criticize me or raise their voice (I just know and feel it's not because they are mad at me, it's just who they are lol).

I was in contact with my dad all my life and he always loved me. He sent child support which my mother used for living expenses because she was in debt. After the divorce me and my dad had a short no-contact period because my mom forbid me to talk to him (and that was emotionally devastating for a kid, so I kept contact in secret because I missed my dad).

As I turned 18, I dropped out of school, started a job and moved out of my mom's futile home. Since then, I moved around a lot, had many messy romantic and sexual relationships in an attempt to drown out my many unresolved childhood issues that were accompanied by a 3 year long period of daily weed usage (joints, bongs, brownies, I did it all, daily.)

when I was around 19-20, I moved to my dad's country (I had citizenship since birth and it was my second home because I visited my already mentioned grandparents every summer).

He let me stay with him and his family and even let me use his money to get settled, meet friends, go out and have fun. I didn't spend a lot of time with him or the family because it was really triggering, even today.

I have been living in my new country for 4 years now and I had lots of things happen. for one, adulting, maturing, growing up, learning a new culture and language, learning to live with another family and their rules, finding and learning those jobs, moving to places by myself or with roommates; even unconventional living situations, finding myself, making mistakes, getting my heart broken, ruminating, basically experiencing life, but messily.

I committed sui#ide at the age of 14 (that was when I was living with my mom, my dad never knew about it until I told him years later). now at 23 my mental health hasn't necessarily gotten any better, but I became better at managing it and I focus on healthy things such as food, relationships (stable ones!!), learning, art, connecting with myself etc. I went through a so-called "dark night of the soul" where is dissected every piece of myself that I thought was broken forever and I took the very hard and difficult initiative to piece them back together into something beautiful and worthy.

nowadays I am focusing on healing as much as I can and finding spiritual value and wisdom in my experiences. I am very emotional and introspective and I use it as fuel for my art, which in turn helps me regulate and feel accomplished (I dare say I produce great music). all that makes me a sort of "lone wolf" where again, I spend a lot of time introspecting, analyzing, thinking and processing and for that I need to be alone. as of today, I am not living with my dad anymore because like I said, it is really triggering.

I found a place, a boyfriend, a job, art that drives me and some other interests I follow. these things help me regulate and give me time to think about things, even from different perspectives.

Our relationship now

nowadays me and my dad aren't talking too much because he is busy working and taking care of his two kids while I myself enjoy things that are intellectually and emotionally stimulating for me. usually, when a relationship doesn't give me too much pleasure, I just leave it. but since we are talking about my dad who has always supported me in his own ways I don't want our connection to go to waste. I don't want to be the daughter who just silently disappears and only shows up to family events.

when we talk, it's the usual how are you, how are things going. apart from work, family and boyfriend stuff, there is nothing to talk about. it is hard for me to open up to my dad. I feel exposed and somewhat ashamed, even though he knows I am a sensitive and artistic person who wants to be a music producer and dj. every time I open my mouth, it's like I forgot how to speak and form sentences. I believe it is because of my childhood where both my parents had to do what they needed to do to "shut up the emotionally demanding kid" while being overwhelmed. nowadays of course, things between us are different and we are both adults. but the program is the same. from living with his family, I understand my father hadn't really changed a lot because he is now older, busier, and has kids aged 9 and 10. sometimes he gets aggressive and shouts at the kids to shut them up. it tears me apart from the inside and that has made me resent him at times because it felt like it was me again who was being shouted at (one of the many triggers with him at home).

my father is, like many of us, a multifaceted human being who, in his ways, lives life and tries to do the things the "right way". he believes he needs to make a lot of money, or else no woman wants him. he gets emotionally overwhelmed fast and since he grew up classic Soviet style, he doesn't confront his own feelings and tries to regulate, he resorts to anger instead. When he is stressed (which is all the time) he chain-smokes cigarettes, eats unhealthily, drinks cola and coffee ONLY and doom scrolls on Facebook and engages in political debates there.

But

he also always has been a girls-daddy, never wanted sons, only girls. He always sent me money when I asked him for help. He sent money and kept contact when he left our family. He assists me in mundane life-stuff (how do I do this thing? Is this legal? Is my job allowed to do this?). He gives me business and money advice to help me become successful. When I ask for his time, he makes an effort to make time. He provided me housing, no questions asked. When I was at my absolute fucking lowest, he contacted a private therapist so I wouldn't have to wait months to get one. He kept paying for sessions when I needed them. He understands he has made a negative impact on me when I was little, and that reaches well into adulthood.

I believe I am very, very similar to my father. I am just the person who had to break the chains of generational trauma. My father is emotionally intelligent, actually. I started to see that more and more the past few years. But he never learned how to tap into that (society is very toxic to men as we start to wake up to this truth). He loses himself to addiction(not drugs, just the things I mentioned above) and becomes emotionally unavailable when things become too much in the house. He is artistic, just like me, but he settled for "success" (I am not diminishing that. In fact, I appreciate the sacrifice he made to fully provide for us kids and go even beyond, he loves luxury he says). He understands and acknowledges the impact him and my mother made on me in childhood.

I want to be able to see eye to eye to him, have conversations, learn from him, learn about him and of course include him in my life as well. our relationship for the most part was: I need him, for something(receiving) - he does the thing(giving). I don't recall me actually being the giver in any situation, but I want to change that. maybe there is not much to give from my side, because, well, I am broke as hell lol. but I want our relationship to go beyond material things and start become more like an actual daughter-father dynamic.

If anyone here is a dad, a daughter(or son even) and has advice or experience. I would appreciate hearing them! A lot!!