u/sirensrevenge

i’m 24. there is so much wrong with me i genuinely want to crawl of my skin and leave my flesh carcass behind.

atop the autism, bpd, crippling adhd, crippling ptsd, crippling anxiety for any situation that involves not being in my bed i have relentless chronic illness: the likes of pcos and hEds, pots.

my first experience with love and closeness within a relationship/friendship was an abusive relationship that lasted my entire adolescence where i was repeatedly SA’d and once even strangled. every close friendship i’ve had has been a shakespearean disaster. i can’t connect with people because im terrified. i freeze up. my coworkers think i hate them, i dont. i can barley hold eye contact and it’s not just because of the autism. i’m constantly stuck in a freeze response while trying to figure out how to hold a conversation, also while having a pots flare up. if it’s not a pots flare up, it’s a pcos flare up. if it’s not a pcos flare up, it’s a bad ptsd day or immense fatigue from my illnesses. if not, then i’m having immense brain fog from my on again off again eating disorder, that makes me seem like i’m on drugs (im not.) and so on and so forth. i collect new trauma every other year because predatory people sniff me out like blood in the water and unfortunately i was neglected as a child and lovebombing does, in fact, work on me. i tried to be mentally an adult as a child so my parents would accept me and now im mentally a toddler. i try to practice social skills through roblox voice chat like a loser and i can barely even handle that because of my crippling fears surrounding abandonment and rejection. i can’t make friends because i can’t connect with people. i have lots of empathy and care for others but ultimately im a self centered twat that can only handle to worry about myself ultimately

my parents have the distress tolerance of a spork and i cannot tell them any of this. i genuinely cant do this anymore.