u/snarkacademia

I recently lost my husband (a senior academic), suddenly and totally unexpectedly. I am in my mid 40s and on a fixed term fellowship. Alongside this, my husband and I worked together a lot.

It is like a nuclear bomb has gone off in my life and everything has been razed to the ground. The grief is unbearably painful. But alongside it, I am worried about everything - money, precarity, my ability to keep writing and publishing while I feel the worst I have ever felt.

If anyone has walked in my shoes or has any advice I would be so grateful.

You're not going to believe this. As some of you know, my husband's funeral was today.. My mother-in-law wasn't invited to speak, for obvious reasons (see thread below). But I made the mistake of letting my brother-in-law do the toast *and he used it to get her to speak*!!

We had a lovely service to that point, with lots of photos and reflections from various people on my husband's amazing achievements - what he did with his professorship, books he'd written, research he'd done, how supportive and kind he was.

She then got up and announced how she should be allowed to speak because she'd known him since she was born and how he also had GCSEs (??!). She also read out a message from Canadian relatives, which I had explicitly asked her not to do because they had never met my husband and didn't know him from Adam.

The intention was to be utterly disrespectful. But she fucked it up so badly people were like "Who is this fucking weird woman and why is she wittering about Canadian relatives?"

My husband was so ashamed of her and he'd have been mortified by this behaviour.

I have spoken to my mother-in-law several times since my husband died a month ago.

Let me preface this by saying she is clearly and obviously undiagnosed neurodivergent. She has every single symptom, in spades, of AuADHD. It is really quite extreme. She also doesn't have normal emotional reactions to anything: when her own husband died she opened a bottle of champagne (not exaggerating) and seemed to relish her chance to do whatever she wanted will her time.

My husband did not like her. He used to ring her out of a sense of duty and he'd come off the phone and say "She didn't ask me a single question, including how I was". He stopped telling her anything about his life, and she didn't even notice becsuse she's so self-centred. She never celebrated his major achievements - in fact, when he got a professorship, she and his father resolutely ignored it. It was like they resented it for challenging the family myth that his father was the clever one, despite the fact his Dad was anything but academic.

When I told her about my husband's completely suddenly and unexpected death her reaction was "Oh dear, never mind, I'm going to make a cup of tea"

When I have said what a great person my husband was, and how brilliant he was in so many ways, she gets irritable and says "Yes, yes we know". Like she's trying to shut me up from talking about him. But the fact is she DIDN'T know. She never fucking bothered to listen.

The celebration of his life tomorrow involves a full 90 minutes of speeches about how very talented he was at so many things and she's just going to have to sit through it.

But I also have to see her today, and I just will lose my shit if she tries to shut down praise or my husband. How do I handle this?

My darling husband died on 3 June and the funeral is this Thursday. I haven't had much time or space to grieve because I've been surrounded by people who are taking their cue from me. So when I cry, they cry. When I get frustrated, they get frustrated. It's surprisingly unhelpful.

I am worried about how I'm going to handle the funeral. There hasn't been space or time and I think I might just sob and sob throughout. My husband was my whole world, and I loved him about as much as anyone can love.

I've never seen anyone really sob at a funeral though. Every one I have been to, people cry, but not uncontrollably. What happens if I am full on ugly crying in a room of hundreds of people?

Not a noise complaint - it's pretty easy to drown it out with a fan. More of music complaint: maybe it's the distance or something but it sounds AWFUL 🤣

My husband passed away suddenly and without warning on 3 June. We had been together 18 years. He was just 53.

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I have never lived on my own. I went from my parental home to a relationship, and when that broke down we were housesharing before I met my husband. It was an instant connection. We loved each other so much that we never wanted to be apart. We worked together, wrote together, socialised together, went on walks together. We were around each other 24/7, best friends as well as true lovers.

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I just don't know how to go on without him. We couldn't have kids so I have nothing to keep me going. I am so, so lonely. The pain of him not being here is unbearable. Weekends have gone from being a heavenly time out to being a dreary wasteland that I somehow have to fill.

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Please help. How do you get through this? I need advice.

My lovely husband (53, fit and healthy, no health issues) died suddenly of a heart attack while we were on holiday.

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Work have disabled his Gmail. I cannot search his emails and I can't forward them. But they are still there on his phone at the moment.

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I want to get the emails down. How can I do this?

My husband died the day before yesterday. While we were on holiday. He made a snoring sound, and collapsed on the floor. The doctors fought to save him but he passed. I was sitting outside the room, and every time the swing door opened I could see what was happening.

He was fit, healthy and 53.

We were in a hospital because I am sick with severe gastroenteritis. I have been here for three days. I am from the UK but currently in Greece. It is a beautiful and generous culture and everyone is super kind but I need to see family who are flying out today.

My husband was my entire world. We did everything together. We worked together. We socialised together. All our passions were shared though he was usually much better at them than I was.

I cannot process this. I loved every hair of his head, every cell of his body, every quirk, every brilliant thing he did. And he was brilliant. Word has gone out internationally in his field about his death and I have had condolences messages from right across the globe

But he was also just the loveliest husband. I have been sick for many years. I had major surgery three years ago. He was by my side through all of it. He was intensely practical, and had excellent judgement. If he advised something, and the advice would only be given if asked for and then very gently, he was always right.

I came to depend on him for everything. I am this pathetic, incompetent ugly child, and this magnificent human has been taken. Forever.

I can't believe I will never see him again, never hear him laugh. Never snuggle on the sofa. Never hold him at night and feel how smooth and creamy his skin was. I'll never grab his ass, never stroke his hair, never kiss him.

I can't cry. It hasn't sunk in. It's like I know there is a room of howling pain to face that will never stop. And I can't open the door. Yet I feel i am not honouring him by not opening the door.

I don't know how to survive without him.

We were in hospital for me. I'd had a severe stomach bug for three days. I was wired up to antibiotics and my husband was sitting in the chair next to me, joking away.

Suddenly there was a sound like snoring. Surely he couldn't have gone to sleep? I looked over and saw he was struggling, he couldn't speak. His eyes were terrified. I screamed for help. The doctors came running. They tried for forty minutes to resuscitate him. To no avail.

I am more broken than I thought it was possible for a human to be. He was 53, fit and healthy. He had been for a hike that morning.

I can't face life without him. I keep wondering - what could have taken him from me, when he was so strong? Could this have been a stroke?

I thought we had so much more time. I loved every cell of that man.

I love great cooking. Also happen to be vegetarian.

I'm rapidly finding that most of the recommendations on here for vegan food are awful. Veganaki comes up over and over - well I just ate there and it was horrendous. Awful service, half the menu sold out, and food that was just not good. And the wine was also awful.

Greece is a place with an incredible food culture and it's honestly sad that this is being touted as good. I have a restaurant a stones throw from my home in the UK that is worlds better. And another three very close by that knock it for six.

Yesterday I ate at Mani Mani, which was brilliant. Lunch was at Feyrouz, also absolutely great. Wine at Cinque, which taught me so much.

I'm looking for stuff on that level - not Michelin starred by any means, but actually competent and decent and full of flavour and - most of all - ENJOYABLE. But also vegetarian (no fish)

Sorry to all the Veganaki fans.

My MIL is a hoarder who is relatively wealthy by inheritance (she has never worked). Not vast money by any means, but certainly very comfortably off.

I suspect she also has ADHD (undiagnosed) as she has every single symptom of that, quite noticeably.

She has recently built herself a second home and moved in there. The rationale was that she wanted to have a "nice home". The reality is that she now has two houses to fill with stuff.

Her original house had three large bedrooms and an extended downstairs. She lives alone. It is packed to the rafters.

Now she is filling the new house too.

I know there is nothing I can do to help until she wants help herself. I don't think that will be ever.

My concern is that she has run through an immense amount of money building this home and I worry there is a financial crunch point coming where there will be a huge conflict between selling the house and wanting to keep all the stuff in it.

I am also a bit selfishly concerned that my husband and I have very complex and difficult jobs where we are constantly busy. We are not expecting to inherit anything due to this issue and my own mother having dementia, so we need to keep working very hard to ensure that our own retirements are covered.

She lives five hours away and we honestly cannot just step in to sort this out if she needs cash for care (she is getting towards 80). It would take months and months to sort out the volume of stuff.

Anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?