u/stuckinfightorflight

I just logged out of TikTok a few days ago and I’m losing it

I age regress between littles and middles. I need someone who can help me take care of myself and give me rules and guidelines and stuff. Idk what else to say. Little embarrassed cause I’m so old. Cg doesn’t need to be older than me.

Started with Xanax 2mg a day and now it’s Valium 5mg 2x a day so 10mg in total. I want off. I’m considering locking myself in my room for the foreseeable future and just jumping without tapering. I’ve never been able to taper I just go right back on the og dose. I’m sick of feel sick and tired all the time and I know it’s because the benzos. I can’t do this anymore. What are my risks in going completely cold turkey?

I really don’t wanna be here anymore I’m so close to the edge I wanna kms tonight please I need distraction

He confirmed he believes I struggle with this. And mostly that’s how my depression manifests. Which sucks. I’m tired of being tired and never feeling like doing literally anything. Including showering. Like I just don’t wanna do a single thing.

Sigh

I’m currently living in a state of fight flight freeze and constant extreme dissociation.. I live in a trauma situation. I am the mom of a child who was conceived thru r*pe. I was forced to have the baby. That baby is now 15 and mentally ill. And his father has caused me severe trauma and pain even after not being together for almost as long as my son’s been alive.. and now my sons is causing me more trauma by doing things that are unsafe. I don’t wanna get into that.

But I can feel my system losing grip. I can feel something shifting. I can feel the predictors boiling over wanting to take over and hurt the body and run away, and I’m terrified that this is going to happen. Right now I’m just living in dissociation. Idk who what or where or what year it is most of the time. But idk I feel a shift coming. Idk what to do.
Idk why I’m sharing I’m just so tired yall

I have youngers in my system (like most of us here) but when they are out I have total amnesia and from what I have gathered from video evidence (cameras around the house) and also my partner telling me story’s. They are in fact little. They don’t know what the phone is or does (grew up in the 90s) so they don’t touch our phone. They play with toys. Are sad we don’t have Barbie’s. And like to play with chalk. They act exactly like their ages. And they are mostly terrified from what I’ve gathered.

I see people on here and in other system spaces who say hi I’m blank alter and I’m 5 years old but they act mostly like an adult.. this confuses me. If they are little how are they texting how are they videoing how are they doing all this stuff. But again I grew up with no technology so maybe that’s it.

This isn’t a post calling anyone out it’s more of a post of confusion or jealousy maybe. I wonder often why I have so much amnesia with my littles. Like why can’t I remember nothing when they are around?

Sorry just feeling some type of way after seeing some posts from other system littles and wondering why I’m so out of touch with mine.