u/survivingmytwenties

What was the movie? Was it Leviticus?

Hi Dad! 🥲

I think I’ve hit a point of complete emotional exhaustion and I don’t really know what’s happening to me anymore. I don’t feel like a person anymore.

I’m 25, estranged from my parents, and trying to survive without much of a safety net. I have experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse from my family, and I think a lot of my life has been spent in survival mode because of it. I have a law degree and a master’s degree, but the last few months have felt like one long cycle of almosts, rejection, fear and shame.

I left a high pressure compliance internship at a large asset manager because I was barely functioning mentally. My manager was racist and abusive, and another coworker was also difficult to work with and eventually left too. I was offered an extension, but I chose not to stay because I felt like I was falling apart. I am in another country so also facing visa issues and have until December to find a way to stay here.

Since then, I’ve had two opportunities that gave me hope: one offer was pulled and another is currently on hold. Apart from that, I haven’t had calls or interviews for a while, and it’s made me spiral between regret, panic, and feeling like I’ve ruined my life.

I recently tried taking a hospitality job because I needed income and structure, but I completely shut down. I froze during shifts, couldn’t remember table numbers, got overwhelmed when people watched me use the iPad/POS system, and kept hearing “you’re too slow.” The more pressure I felt, the worse my brain worked. Eventually I panicked so badly that I ghosted the shift, hid under my blanket shaking while they kept calling me, and couldn’t even answer the phone to quit properly. I eventually emailed the resignation, but I still feel deeply ashamed of how I handled it.

Intellectually, I know this probably sounds like overwhelm/burnout/freezing, but emotionally I just feel weak and childish. I feel like everyone else can cope with normal life while I completely collapse under pressure. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I have to fight for survival emotionally, academically and professionally, and I think my nervous system is just exhausted.

I don’t really know what I need. I think I just need some dad-like support or reassurance right now.

I think I’ve hit a point of complete emotional exhaustion and I don’t really know what’s happening to me anymore. I don’t feel like a person anymore.

I’m 25, estranged from my parents, and trying to survive without much of a safety net. I have experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse from my family, and I think a lot of my life has been spent in survival mode because of it. I have a law degree and a master’s degree, but the last few months have felt like one long cycle of almosts, rejection, fear and shame.

I left a high pressure compliance internship at a large asset manager because I was barely functioning mentally. My manager was racist and abusive, and another coworker was also difficult to work with and eventually left too. I was offered an extension, but I chose not to stay because I felt like I was falling apart.

Since then, I’ve had two opportunities that gave me hope: one offer was pulled and another is currently on hold. Apart from that, I haven’t had calls or interviews for a while, and it’s made me spiral between regret, panic, and feeling like I’ve ruined my life.

I recently tried taking a hospitality job because I needed income and structure, but I completely shut down. I froze during shifts, couldn’t remember table numbers, got overwhelmed when people watched me use the iPad/POS system, and kept hearing “you’re too slow.” The more pressure I felt, the worse my brain worked. Eventually I panicked so badly that I ghosted the shift, hid under my blanket shaking while they kept calling me, and couldn’t even answer the phone to quit properly. I eventually emailed the resignation, but I still feel deeply ashamed of how I handled it.

Intellectually, I know this probably sounds like overwhelm/burnout/freezing, but emotionally I just feel weak and childish. I feel like everyone else can cope with normal life while I completely collapse under pressure. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I have to fight for survival emotionally, academically and professionally, and I think my nervous system is just exhausted.

Does anyone else with CPTSD experience this kind of shutdown/freeze response under stress? Where your brain just stops working and even simple things feel impossible? How do you stop feeling ashamed afterward?