u/talklistentalk

Not sure if this is a good fit or good idea, but here goes.

Some people (that's me!) snark here because Fundie world was our world.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will have so much shit to unpack." -- The Epistle of TalkListenTalk, Chapter 4, verse 20

I'm proposing a thread to put our own WTF Fundie anecdotes and/or resources for life after leaving.

I'm currently reading Fawning by Dr. Ingrid Clayton. It's quite good.

Before I went very low contact with my mom, I used to try to spend time with her and I guess build a relationship with her? After each visit, I was a wreck and could barely function. It took everything out of me.

Now, I'm preparing to stand up to my MIL. Surprise, surprise, my really weird, extremely religious and abusive upbringing helped me become the perfect little doormat for my overbearing MIL to walk all over.

I've been afraid to stand up to her, even on behalf of my children. It's gone too far. I've been working up the courage to set clear boundaries and say no to her. This woman is an expert at mind games and manipulation.

So I've been reviewing various tactics she has used in the past that made it exhausting and difficult to get her to take no for an answer. I know I need to be strong for my children. I'm nervous. I'm disgusted with myself for having slogged in the FOG all these years and having caused my children to suffer. I'm overwhelmed.

But this feeling is also familiar. It's like years ago after I used to talk to my mom. I felt hollow. My brain felt scrambled. All I could do while decompressing after a conversation with my mom, was rest. Trying to do anything else was useless.

I already have that weird feeling about facing my MIL and I haven't even faced her yet. The conversation happens tomorrow. I haven't gotten any housework done today because I've been sitting here staring at the wall with my brain going a million miles per minute while (sometimes) fighting back tears.

When I had 2 kids under 4 years old and practically no help, MIL would have them over to her house every Saturday for a few hours and serve them dinner. That was what I needed at the time and it was appreciated. Then it went from helpful to guilt-trip mandatory.

(Mind you, MIL housed my family when the man I married lost his job and his motivation to even try to provide, apparently.) She has helped us out financially, significantly over the years, so that makes it a little complicated. When she doesn't get her way, she cries, holds "after all I've done for you" over our heads, and accuses us of yelling at her.

Lately, I've been refusing offers of financial assistance from her more often than not. (I am in sooo much credit card debt, but fuck it, I'd rather have banks holding compound debt interest over my head than give her more leverage than she already has.)

I did accept a monetary gift to my child for their birthday, but at this point I would rather not receive any gifts from her at all if I can help it.

My oldest kid first asked for a break from Mandatory Grandma time while in elementary school. "Can I go every other week instead of every week?" I sent that man I married to talk to his mom and advocate for our kid, and it did not go well.

Now both kids are teenagers. Oldest kid tried once again to work out an agreement, "Hey, I'll come see you every other week, okay?" And MIL basically said "No. You don't do that to Grandmother."

So anyway only the younger kid hangs out with Grandma on Saturdays and the older one barely looks in her direction and just manages to say "Hi" in passing. MIL thinks this is a Terribly Unjust Thing.

Anyway, am I guilty of elder abuse by not forcing my children to participate in Mandatory Grandma Time every single goddamn weekend?

Sometimes I have a Really Rough Day and go way overboard on calories. I am almost to ashamed to track them. But hiding the truth from myself doesn't help. So I just rearrange it a little. I realize I will have to make up for it later. So, I put the extra slice of cake I had today, as something I "ate" tomorrow. Oh dear, how embarrassing. I am still way over my calorie budget for today. Guess I'll have to carry forward that quesadilla to the day after tomorrow.

And the following days I adjust my intermittent fasting or whatever so as to stay within the new calorie budget for those days, which has been reduced by the amount I went over on The Really Rough Day.

Does that make sense? Has anyone been doing that for a while and found it helpful? I figure as long as it all balances out to the right amount of calories per week, I should be okay.

I don't intentionally do "cheat days". But sometimes I am too overwhelmed by too many internal and external "life happens" kinds of things to have any strength left to fight the little inner gremlin that demands comfort calories beyond those necessary for fuel. So it goes.

https://www.threads.com/@poisedbutpowerful/post/DYQPpVREWGs?xmt=AQG0ui0vJ0PHJQgwDkvjBG_QXPsgdEWA6Qqk07yLIElCQw

(I hope the link works. It's a video someone grabbed from TikTok and shared on Threads)

I don't know who these people are nor why the parents thought it would be funny to show the world just how displeased their older children are about things.