▲ 3 r/BPD

ever exile yourself from your friend group just to avoid the inevitable sting of rejection?

sucks. heart is broken. chest is tight. i don't even really think there's a heart there, it just feels like a black hole. din of war ringing through my head.

i miss them. enough accumulated little fuckups that i know the best thing is i keep the pain to myself rather than make it others' problem by trying to be with people. i was just so very, very grateful before when i thought i finally found somewhere things could be better. as much as they've said they're happy to have me around and they love whatever "me" is supposed to be i know it can't be true.

what's even here to love? i don't even exist. i know i don't because trying to is so excruciating. hollow. every day is just incessant bombardment in my own head, belligerents ripping each other to shreds without even really knowing why. having any physical body feels disgusting. and it's definitely too late so far as my soul is concerned. what's left, then? nothing but watery chaos, i think. fucking nothing.

i just wish that things could be any other way, that i could be good. being bad warrants punishment. that's why slipping up is so divinely terrifying. behind their silence all i can ever hear is "HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE." chanting, droning, deafening.

even those i still have and i honestly really fucking need will realize they're throwing resources into a black hole sooner or later. all this shit in me no one seems to understand and i could never explain, that has me spending half the day yelling at myself about what a piece of shit i am and how all the fucking violence and darkness and hatred i have scarred into every inch of me to bear forever and ever is all my goddamn fault because i had no right to be born in the first place. this is a crucifixion in slow motion. pitifully gasping for breath.

i just don't understand. i don't yell. i don't criticize. i don't gossip. i don't argue. i don't hold grudges. i know some of this shit in me is destructive and every day i tell it "no, you're not me," i don't want to think how it wants me to or perceive people how it wants me to or mishandle my shitty emotions how it wants me to. i do all i think i'm supposed to, and you'd think from what they've said i'm doing well, but somehow i'm still just WRONG.

i know they know it, too. they're probably already so much happier without me hanging on. God love them. i don't know where it leaves me, though. where the fuck do i go? do i just rot here alone and pray every night that i die in my sleep? my favorite hobby lately is crumpling up in bed and weeping because some stupid little thing reminded me.

i don't even really know what else i might have wanted to say.

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u/tarquinia777 — 20 hours ago

Clean recreation of the ItWillAllBeOverSoon cover. The older reconstruction is so degraded and distorted I decided to take the original ItWasntEnough pic, replicate the text, and copy the hand logo from X's website.

u/tarquinia777 — 2 days ago

Stumbled upon my old X folder from 6 odd years ago on an old flash drive. Anyone else remember the mad dash for leaks back around 2019?

u/tarquinia777 — 3 days ago

Were there really only a few thousand people alive throughout Europe during the Upper Paleolithic?

Full disclosure, I know the questions at hand have to be approached based on limited data and making the best out of it, but I'd still like to hear from someone more knowledgeable on this.

Lately, I became aware of an interesting paper estimating a human population size of maybe a couple thousand in Western and Central Europe during the Aurignacian period. According to another paper, numbers for the Gravettian don't look much better, followed by a surge to perhaps 10,000 during the Magdalenian.

I find it incredible that such dire-looking numbers would account for all that we know of Upper Paleo Europe, even when different groups were establishing distinct cultural territories between themselves. I can't claim to be qualified to make much more of the data, but I can only extrapolate there must have only been some dozens of hunter-gatherer bands roaming around at any given point. Inter-band gatherings (not to mention the customs and rituals associated with them) must have been absolutely vital to the survival of populations.

I did see one more estimate, this one giving Neanderthal people a whopping 150,000 individuals spread across Eurasia. Then, as we're all too aware, their entire species vanished in a relatively short timeframe. I suppose that gives the sobering insight that these Upper Paleolithic peoples to whom so many romantic musings and unanswerable questions are attached could have well ended up another one of nature's discarded experiments.

u/tarquinia777 — 3 days ago

Some clean edits and remakes of SMiLE packaging, etc. I put together!

I got a MEGA archive of the raw files (.SVGs and .XCFs), as well. Ask me for 'em 'cause I'm afraid Reddit will drone strike my house if i post the link.

u/tarquinia777 — 5 days ago

Late nite thoughts: "Busy Doin' Nothin'"-type songs, Brian's delightful celebration of the everyday

>It's three o'clock, I go to my sink > >I pour some milk, and I start to think

One of the things I find most endearing and fascinating in Brian's life and work is a theme running throughout some of his compositions from the late '60s to early '80s. What I mean is a focus on mundane experience, with lyrics ruminating on Brian's day-to-day activities and idle thoughts, placed against a comfy, relaxed musical backdrop. The humdrum of household chores and even the evening commute are made something magical, complemented by the narrator's daydreams of love and tenderness.

As the lofty ambitions of SMiLE faded into memory and Brian's reputation morphed into that of an eccentric recluse, his fondness for the mundane first made itself known on 1967's Wild Honey. "Aren't You Glad?" and "I'd Love Just Once To See You" seemingly have both their feet on the ground and their head in the clouds, juxtaposing everyday carryings-on with fantasies of a lover's touch... and assets. In stark contrast, "Lonely Days," an outtake representing something of a bridge between Wild Honey and Friends, speaks of the crushing loneliness our protagonist feels in his daily business life with an almost-sobering frankness.

Friends shifts the focus back towards love themes. As Brian finds some well-earned respite from the outside world, he's consumed by anticipation for a warm moment together on "Be Here In the Mornin'". We find him once again in good cheer, though, on "Busy Doin' Nothin'", performing household maintenance and preparing for an old friend's visit. While they may not seem too significant being only two tracks, they definitely make their mark on the texture and feel of Friends with its brief runtime.

There's another shift, this time back towards being alone, in "I Went To Sleep" on 20/20. However, instead of dreading the woes of city life, our friend is taking some comfort in LAYING ON HIS ASS ALL DAY. This is immediately followed up by "Time To Get Alone", one of the two songs (other being "Darlin'") Brian was infamously forced to give to the Beach Boys over Redwood (later Three Dog Night) by Carl and Mike. Now, a lovey-dovey winter vacation is the object of fancy! This is set against an elegant backing track seeming as if to consummate this common thread as it's run through the late '60s (so-called "lo-fi") era.

A shadow of Brian's other running fixation, on health and fitness, shows itself on "Games Two Can Play", along with aforementioned themes of business and being a lazy good-for nothin', sweetly reconciled in this outtake's playful tone. "Our Sweet Love" parallels "Get Alone" with breezy, summery imagery, well befitting Sunflower. This moves into another lackadaisical adventure in "At My Window", which even has shades of the Dennis Wilson / Stephen Kalinich composition "Little Bird"! It's always neat to see how many different lines of influence there are running through the monumental Beach Boys recorded canon.

Although this running theme largely disappears from Brian's work following his creative retreat in the middle of the Rieley era, it reemerges in a big way on The Beach Boys Love You. "The Night Was So Young" is somewhat more disconnected than the previous compositions, finding Brian longing for a distant lover in the midst of a sleepless night. "Everybody Wants To Live", to be included on the tragically underappreciated Adult/Child, shows perhaps even a little more vulnerability. Brian's pensive reflections on living with a broken heart and even frustration with the state of world ecology may not be quite the most compelling, but they are nonetheless strikingly genuine.

"Sweet Sunday Kinda Love" is what ends up making it onto Adult/Child's replacement, the roundly-loathed M.I.U. Album. Squeezing itself in amidst the album's unambitious sound, we get perhaps our most tender glimpse into the protagonist's daydreams. All he wants is to enjoy a weekend in peace with his ol' lady! After "Why Don't You Tell Me Why?", recorded during the fabled "cocaine sessions" of December 1980, this little subgenre of Brian's work apparently fails to carry over into his solo career. Aside from faint reflections in tracks such as "Meet Me In My Dreams Tonight" off Brian Wilson '88 or the throwaway "Wouldn't That Be Cool?", it is left as one of the many open threads in Brian's storied life.

Thanks for listenin'! I even made a little playlist of these songs if you'd like to have a listen ^^

u/tarquinia777 — 15 days ago

Keith Moon's cover of "Don't Worry, Baby," single released in 1974 and included on his lone solo album, Two Sides of the Moon, in '75. A Beach Boys superfan and friend of Brian's, Keith once told his Who bandmates that if the Boys asked him to drum for them he'd be on a plane to America the next day

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u/tarquinia777 — 19 days ago

I've been toying with SMiLE stuff lately, with particular regard to the humor concept, and I'm curious what ppl may think of this lil thing I did with "Wind Chimes": I've split the false start bit and put a little edit of the "Talking Horns" skit inbetween. Do forgive the amateurish effort

Sources:

soniclovenoize's SMiLE '67 (2018 upgrade) - "Wind Chimes" mono mix

2026 leaks - "Wind Chimes" v2 mono mix w/ false start (1966-10-05)

The SMiLE Sessions (2011) - "Talking Horns"

Smiley Smile / Wild Honey twofer CD (1990) - "Can't Wait Too Long"

u/tarquinia777 — 21 days ago

Y'all remember when Phil Spector plagiarized "Don't Hurt My Little Sister" and made it into a "song" that tells you to get a job?

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u/tarquinia777 — 23 days ago

Is there any more info on the alternate mixes of the Smiley Smile version of "Heroes and Villains" cut in June 1967?

u/tarquinia777 — 26 days ago