ever exile yourself from your friend group just to avoid the inevitable sting of rejection?
sucks. heart is broken. chest is tight. i don't even really think there's a heart there, it just feels like a black hole. din of war ringing through my head.
i miss them. enough accumulated little fuckups that i know the best thing is i keep the pain to myself rather than make it others' problem by trying to be with people. i was just so very, very grateful before when i thought i finally found somewhere things could be better. as much as they've said they're happy to have me around and they love whatever "me" is supposed to be i know it can't be true.
what's even here to love? i don't even exist. i know i don't because trying to is so excruciating. hollow. every day is just incessant bombardment in my own head, belligerents ripping each other to shreds without even really knowing why. having any physical body feels disgusting. and it's definitely too late so far as my soul is concerned. what's left, then? nothing but watery chaos, i think. fucking nothing.
i just wish that things could be any other way, that i could be good. being bad warrants punishment. that's why slipping up is so divinely terrifying. behind their silence all i can ever hear is "HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE." chanting, droning, deafening.
even those i still have and i honestly really fucking need will realize they're throwing resources into a black hole sooner or later. all this shit in me no one seems to understand and i could never explain, that has me spending half the day yelling at myself about what a piece of shit i am and how all the fucking violence and darkness and hatred i have scarred into every inch of me to bear forever and ever is all my goddamn fault because i had no right to be born in the first place. this is a crucifixion in slow motion. pitifully gasping for breath.
i just don't understand. i don't yell. i don't criticize. i don't gossip. i don't argue. i don't hold grudges. i know some of this shit in me is destructive and every day i tell it "no, you're not me," i don't want to think how it wants me to or perceive people how it wants me to or mishandle my shitty emotions how it wants me to. i do all i think i'm supposed to, and you'd think from what they've said i'm doing well, but somehow i'm still just WRONG.
i know they know it, too. they're probably already so much happier without me hanging on. God love them. i don't know where it leaves me, though. where the fuck do i go? do i just rot here alone and pray every night that i die in my sleep? my favorite hobby lately is crumpling up in bed and weeping because some stupid little thing reminded me.
i don't even really know what else i might have wanted to say.