u/theKetoBear

I am a year into my recovery journey I've been through lots of therapy , tlak to my sponsor multiple times a week , in and out of meetings several times a week , I'm reading, I'm journaling , I'm meditating . I know myself better than I ever have, I understand myself better than I ever have.

I am completely and utterly terrified because I know how bad my addiction can get and has gotten , I know how i've betrayed myself and people who've loved me .

The irony is the worst version of me? the version of me that used and tossed people left and right ? Didn't care about any of this , everyone was a pleasure device for me , or a prop to my ego .

I'm so conflicted and anxious now I feel like I want to be honest, vulnerable, open but how do you do that knowing who I have been knowing what I have done and how do I start a relationship with someone on the right foot when it feelsl ike this honesty mine is sitting just below the surface?

It's amazing how becoming a more honest and more open person in some ways feels worse than when I was lying and not even honest with myself . Then I would have happily went on a date not caring the absolute mountain of skeletons I had in my closet and actively planned on pursuing .

My uncle and I are complete opposites he has always been a hyper-critical angry domineering asshole . He went to prison and got into lots of fights when he was younger and always has seemed to wear this as a badge of honor that he's the toughest andm ost successful man in the room . I am and have been soft spoken for most of my life, I'm quiet but generally maintain a pleasant disposition. I am his youngest nephew from his siblings generation . Over the years most of the family increasingly avoids my uncle because everyone has a story of how he's said awful things to them including me some notable examples :

- For most of my childhood I was a husky boy and I would dread seeing him on Thanksgiving because I knew a fat joke or criticism of my weight was coming from ager 8 to my early 20'a this was the case

- I brought my very first girlfriend to a family event and he emasculated me by threatening to fight me if I didn't unbutton the top button of my shirt ( yes it's as crazy as it sounds) and I did so because ... why would I fight my uncle over a shirt button at a family event taking place at my moms house?

- When I was 26 I lived with my grandmother and discovered the Ketogenic diet beginning my weight loss journey I had lost 40 lbs and my uncles first comment when he saw the nephew he's been criticizing since I was a child " Are you on crack or something?"

- there are far more but not enough time to list them all .

I have been intimidated and uncomfortable with my uncle for most of my childhood as have most of my silbings and cousins. As he gets older he gets more upset that his nieces , nephews, and even his son at one point don't want to speak to him . The only person there for him routinely is my aging grandmother who is in her late 80's I know he's scared to lose her but he doens't deal with his emotions and os everyone else feels his wrath .

D-Day: I am 36 years old now and we just celebrated my oldest immediate nieces 18th birthday and graduation . On a day that should have been a happy celebration my uncle was stomping around like an angry bull. My cousin who caretakes my grandmother ( his mom) forgot the graduation tickets disappointing but a lady who works the arena overheard his phone call and gave us spare tickets, the situation lasted 3 minutes before it was resolved. However he was in a silent fury for the rest of the day .

On top of that for the last year i've stopped talking to him he's been a drain for most of my life and even when he does help people in my family he makes them feel like dirt about it. I've never asked him for a penny because that opens a whole new critical bag of worms I'd rather avoid.

After the graduation he calls me while I am walking one of my sisters to her car and so when I see him his already tense nature is even more amplified. He makes a quip about how he called me and he wonders hwy I didn't answer his clal I snap back " we don't talk anyway so why does it matter" and all hell breaks loose .

He says we should step aside and talk like men and I walk right with him .

I start off trying to ease into the conversation but he prods and I kind of black out I don't even remember everything I said because I just let go of what felt like years of anger , frustration, and resentment.

Angrily I let him know:

- He is entirely to hard on everyone in my family when he asks WHO ( so he can re-aim his anger at someone else in my family ) I tell him all of them .. because his anger knows no bounds everyone in my family regardless of their deeds, actions, success, failures, or dedication is berated by him none of us are ever good enough .

- I point out how hypocritical I think it is that the fuckup who got sent to jail after growing up in a household with a loving mom and dad in safe and loving home is to be so harsh and judgemental to a whole generation in my family littered with mommy and daddy issues induced by drugs, abandonment, deaths , mental issues, and health issues. He's had a more complete childhood and life then so many people in my family and yet behaves like the biggest victim .

- I point out I love him but I can't stand his inability to open up, I lost my mom and it crippled me and my siblings and while his fear of losing his mom is justified it is no reason to be a complete and utter prick .

We yell at eachother about more but these are the key points eventually my uncle does what he always does and reverts to his core bastions of identity his strength and his money. Telling me his tears while talking aren't because he's a bitch ( I never said he was ) and then he suggests we compare bank accounts which even in my adrenaline-driven state I cooly tell him doesn't impress me because money and comes and goes and i've seen that happen too much in my life to care.

I told my cousins about it they were shocked I said anything, shocked I stood up to him , and then both have had their own tense conversations with my uncle and they both actually expressed that our exchange was way healthier than theirs were with him .

I struggle because my family is very traditional and patriarchal in many ways" the young ones expect the elders no matter what " type culture . The part of me raised to believe in that and abide by that syem is unsure what I said is right but the other side of me that loves and cares for my cousins and siblings too much has no regrets .

My uncle has been unpleasant for just about my entire life even when he was "nice" he was an asshole.

I don't know I struggle because I have a big heart and underneath my uncles disgusting attitude I do genuinely believe he does care deeply and want to help the family but he is such a sour-faced jackass that it makes him impenetrable to connect with and undesirable to be around.

Of course we had this fight right before my nieces graduation dinner we both sat through dinner somewhat awkward, I asked him about the NBA playoffs, and he made a few small jokes which I laughed at . Oddly after our argument when everyone said their goodbyes I still gave him a hug goodbye and he briefly recieved it . I don't know i'm very slow to anger and I am conflict-avoidant so it's just extremely uncomfortable to have had that exchange .

I don't regret what I said but I wish I could have said it kinder but honestly I kind of feel like my uncle wouldn't hear it unless someone was aggressively confronting him on it.

I think I just needed to get these thoughts down , I don't talk to my therapist until thursday and last week missed my appointment for a doctors appointment.

Downloaded Threads for the first time , found this 1 scroll in.

Any fellow enneagram 3 INFP's?

Ironically I am more honest and terrified of dating now then I was when I was deep in my addiction and lying effortlessly

I emotionally unloaded on my toxic uncle and have conflicting feelings about it