u/thehawk989

I grew up in the Hare Krsna movement, and was a believer up until my late 20s. But in recent years, I began having many general doubts and I can't say I believe in or identify as a HK follower any longer.

Long story short, I now believe in Advaita after my own research. However, I find it hard to believe some things, I dare say even the Bhagavad Gita as an example, I doubt it was an actual physical event but was rather written by man, Arjuna represents, us the lost Jiva and Krsna our true nature Brahman, well that's just how I see it. This does not mean for me however, that it's any less potent in its teachings and so on. I do believe in Isvara but now favour Nrsimha above any other form. But I can't honestly say I believe in Krsna in the literal sense any longer. Is this an issue in my pursuits?

To start off, I want to say this is not meant as a sob story or looking for pity. But I just felt like sharing a little about myself, it would be interesting if any of you can relate and have a similar experience.

So, I'm a male now well into my 30s and I have never been in a relationship. I will add that as well as introversion, I do to an extent struggle with social awkwardness here and there. However the key thing going on, is being so introverted. Despite this, I can talk a lot with very familiar old friends, or even certain colleagues, fellow members at my clubs and so on. But overall the 'issue' I have is a lot of the time I simply don't have anything to say. It often feels like I need to think really hard for something to say and to contribute to conversations, my mind is blank in terms of words very often. In one sense I do accept the way I am, but at the same time it would be nice to have the ability to just fluidly engage with people like 'everyone else'. If I meet women here and there, I can feel like I want to interact, but have nothing much to say, it just doesn't come naturally. Have tried dating apps here and there, but conversations would often fall flat, and any that did take place I felt like I was needing to dig really deep for anything to say. Not sure what it is about myself, but another issue is I find small talk really cringe, and often can't bring myself to engage in it. As well as 'obvious' and cheesy jokes and so on. I've actually come to largely accept this possibility of remaining alone.

I'd say that I am largely OK socially, I recently enjoy socialising with club members for the hobbies I do more than friends if I am honest. As an example, we recently had an event over three weekends. After deciding to go camping with them, I did have a nice time overall. But there were some scenarios where I felt really out of place. For instance when sitting at the outside bar area, it makes it more 'awkward' at least in my mind as I don't drink. But each time we were all there, I eventually just left early as I was just sitting there not saying anything. A lot of the time I simply feel blank in terms of speaking and just have nothing to say. So this is the point I am getting to, In one sense yes I accept myself, but due to many comments and mockery in the past in the described situations I find myself worrying that people think I'm weird or not talking enough etc. I actually avoided a social event a friend organised recently, as I am just tired of having to be around people I don't know, and feeling out of place.

For around just over two years now, I have been getting bouts of insomnia. I can remember the first night it happened, before that I could just lay down whenever and I would be asleep within an hour maximum, worst case scenario. But that fateful night, I was laying there and the hours just kept passing and I had work the next day. Fast forward over the next few months, there was a particular week where for 3 - 4 days I could not sleep at all, or only had around 1 - 3 hours and had to take two sick days at work as a result.

Since then I have had periods where the sleeping went back to normal, getting 6.5 - 8 hrs per night, but then it comes back. I have tried acupuncture and other alternative things here and there with some good results. However, it is still persisting, I have also had some luck with meditation, making sure I am hydrated, not eating too late etc. textbook sleep hygiene does not work so well for me, some of the best sleeps I have had in recent times, has been when watching a movie for example, causing a strong drowsiness. However this is all mixed results and I am still struggling, making going to work very challenging. So it is all in all, an intermittent yet persistant issue. When I struggle it's like something in my brain/body just won't switch off. Especially if I have something to do early the next day, it's not even that I'm necessarily anxious, could even be positively excited. But I have gone to my physically demanding hobbies with 2 - 3 sleep as a result of laying awake until the early hours of the morning, it happens almost everytime lately. But I don't want to let the insomnia win, so will often just get through the day regardless. I have become extra sensitive to noise since this began, such as cars driving around outside at night, like I can hear them all even if over a mile away. But at the same time, there is at times something about laying there in total silence and darkness keeping me awake. So it's all quite inconsistent and mixed results, because at times a white noise such as leaving my essential oil dispenser and a lamp on has helped, but again mixed results.

Hoping to hear from like minded people, I don't want to rely on any tablets, or get into any debate about it.

I have started visiting an acupuncturist, holistic type doctor and was recommended L-tryptophan powder when feeling particularly restless. I have been taking it every so often and have found it usually effective. However I was suggested an entire tablespoon as the dose. I began to wonder, when looking around on google/copilot, that is apparently a potentially risky amount?

You may say, go to a proper doctor. But im just wondering if anyone has had experience with it.

One of the biggest issues, thinking back to the devotee days for me, was being made to believe that one must be trnad api. Although I think we can all agree there are many examples of HK followers who are anything but. I was HK trying to do it right, so I really was trying to be as humble as possible, I still do to this day, but in a more healthy way. We must have some boundaries and so on.

I had spent a fairly significant time in the brahmacari ashram as they call it. Most people were cool, but I still have some bitter memories where I felt that I had been subject to bullying by some individuals. Things such as being grabbed by the scruff of my t shirt, with 'mock' intimidation comments, or swearing up to me and saying weird things like 'im the fu**** daddy around here'. Being subject to just a lot of impatience and anger, just from asking basic questions, or making small mistakes here and there. I remember one time going to a book distribution at some spiritual festival, the individual who would do the first mentioned behaviour was doing his usual crap and was even twisting my ear and grabbing me in front of everyone, I remember the security guard at the place looking at us, as if almost thinking of intervening. This person would also mock my physical appearance at times, saying I look like an alien etc, he went on for about 30 minutes one time, and the disproportionate appearance of some of my features. This was also done by some other individuals in the kitchen one time, with a comment of 'yeh it feels good to make fun of people'. For context myself and others involved were all adults, and was done by fellow 'westerners' if that's of any significance.

My point here is the whole humility thing could really mess with some people's self esteem, so at the time I mostly tolerated all this stuff without protest, although there were a few times I had to physically push this guy off of me, for whatever reason something possessed him to violently try to pin me down as a 'joke'. Another individual randomly said to me 'just shut up man' for no reason when I was talking to someone else, I lost my patience a tad and said 'why don't you shut up'. He then afterwards was following me around for a few minutes shoulder barging and saying 'oh you're getting more confident now'. If I'm honest i had a few moments where I felt close to losing it, as this was going on for months at a time, this sort of behaviour. I've always been a bit of a quiet introvert type, at times socially inept or awkward. Unfortunately this bothers some people, and they see it as a weakness and excuse to bother you. I remember one of them saying I was Samwell Tarly, the coward from Game of Thrones. While I was not subject to any severe abuse, I do sometime.think back to this and feel quite pissed. I came there with the right intentions and never bothered anyone.