u/thirdchancewhytho

Now that I've deconstructed religion, I've finally been able to see sex as something that's ok to want, and I can finally feel peace about the fact that it's always felt so important to me. But I've run into an even bigger problem now.

I'm not an attractive guy. I'm overweight, not tall, not well endowed, not handsome, not anything. I wish I was the kind of person who was physically exciting, who could actually, genuinely induce real desire in people. That much is clear if my lived experience tells me anything.

Not only has that come between me and attracting any partner at all, but it almost certainly means I will never get to experience sexuality the specific way I wish I could. It's pretty much statistically impossible that I'll ever be able to attract the kind of partner I want even once, forget about being able to multiple times if necessary. I'll never get to be physically impressive, never get to do the things I wish I could.

That leaves me pretty devastated to be honest. It's what I want most in life for whatever reason, and I'm intrinsically not good enough for it. I find it difficult to imagine a worthwhile future without it, I don't really like the rest of life much, and without the things I feel would make life worthwhile, it's hard. I've been in therapy for nearly two years now, but nothing can fix physical reality.

So I guess my question is; How (and why) do people cope with this? Though honestly, I'm not even sure I could.

I don't even really know how to articulate my situation.

I feel like I don't want much in life, I feel low maintenance in almost every aspect, and somehow that makes it feel worse that the one thing I feel I want most, the thing that feels like it'd make the rest of it worth it, is permanently out of reach.

I'll never be desirable the way I wish I was, I'll never get to live like the people who were born correctly. I feel trapped in my body knowing that it'll never be enough for the life I would want to stick around for.

It feels even worse knowing that this is such a superficial and shitty thing to be so upset over, it makes me feel like such an awful incel-y person, but it's how I can't help but feel.

I feel like at I'm at my wits end. Everyone always says you shouldn't end your life, but why? I just can't bring myself to want my life, how can I be expected to live it?

Life is never going to be what I want it to be and I don't have any desire to accept that.

I'll always be stuck in my awful body. I'll never get to experience the things I wish I could. I'll never be desirable the way I want to be. I feel trapped, and the only "acceptable" solution is to embrace the cage.

I feel awful for my therapist, she clearly wants to help, but I think I'm looking for something no one can give me; a miracle fix, or permission to end it. Everyone always says there's so much in life that could make it worthwhile, but I just can't bring myself to want those things, and if I'm honest, I don't even think I *want* to want them if that makes sense.

I keep stalling, but it feels like my mind is already made up. I just want the courage to make the final exit.

I'm not even really sure why I'm posting. Has anyone been through this?