u/throwawayftsiasd99

we finally talked and they dont share the same feelings which is okay! Some words i wish they didn’t say but Im thankful to have met them in my lifetime and my feelings weren’t that big of a deal where i am heartbroken (pretty small early stages of where you just notice someone differently). Im thankful i was able to teach myself and pinpoint where my issues lie within myself. I have shared many great memories with them and im glad to move on and grow more into myself it felt like i was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it has finally dropped. I am semi sad the friendship is over but im glad i was given the opportunity to grow and learn :) but heres to signing up for dating apps so i can find cool people to meet and share fun memories with :D

Soon we will talk and itll be over either we will be done being friends or we will explore the feelings that i hope we both have. Im scared terrified really talking has always been an issue for me after watching two movies recently helped me see past my pain it explained me perfectly i already knew it but it highlighted it and showed the consequences of those feelings. I do push away people when they get too close when they start seeing how ugly my emotions are when i shut my emotions down. Im happy that i finally figured myself out and talked myself through it. I will tell you i have feelings for you and i hope you do too. Even if you dont it will have been worth it to me to put myself out there for you. I just want me to be truly vulnerable with someone for once i just hope if you dont feel the same dont burn me because im truly trying and im trying to grow. So please when i tell you a flower of feelings has grown for you dont laugh and dont burn me because im truly trying here.

A big room that you find nostalgic the memories of us hanging on the walls trinkets of things we have done together around the room. The sunlight pouring into the room its warm filled with love and care that i have for you as my friend. Then on the windowsill sits a small pot with a little sprout growing- thats my romantic love for you it hasn’t grown but it lives there basking in the light. It needs to be tended to, to grow more. i found the plant recently unsure if i want to let it grow and end up neglecting it or if we can water it together let the flower bloom fully and keep caring for it. Im scared to share it with you, but i will as time always moves on and i cannot hold that information inside of me long enough i dont think i could continue on as friends knowing its there and wanting to grow.

After sorting my feelings replaying what has happened and what could happen too many times to count figuring out how i feel. I think im ready to tell you somehow somewhere along the way i started developing feelings for you and i hope you feel the same way. But i think im just finally ready to share how i feel and not feel bad if our friendship ends because if it. I have loved every moment ive known you even if you pissed me off even when i was scared of you even when you were mad at me. My love for you as my friend runs deep, maybe i was bound to fall for someone who traditionally wouldn’t ever have feelings for me and i hope you feel the same. But i wont make myself smaller for you and easier to swallow ill be loud and myself i will speak for myself even if it gets hard so if you feel the same and aren’t ready tell me because im making my way towards my goals reaching for the stars and i want to take you with me so badly you just have to reach with me.

I dont know what you want from me as friends or if you want more. Both scare me im scared i have never let anyone see my own emotional turmoil like this i dont let people in like that im an awful partner in that regard im the best lover on the outside but i have never let anyone close enough to see past into my cowardice my fear and my emotional wounds from childhood that im still untangling. Im scared that if you want to be more you wont turn me away and i want that but i dont know if i have what it takes i know you could easily ruin me and im not even in love with you. I dont know that i want to try to let you in. My closest friend doesnt even see that side of me and i dont know if i want to start here.

Taking my space is hard- its hard not to think about the situation at hand. I dont want this to be the end of our friendship, but if you aren’t going to pick me i am going to pick me. I can’t keep reaching out for you waiting for you to get it, im not going to keep giving you pieces of myself if you can’t do the same. If you want me tell me i will accept you, but you have to give into me. I wont push you away i just need you to actually talk to me about it and stop avoiding it. I hope when i reach out next and we finally talk you will open up to me, its not me vs you its us against the problem and i would rather work through this than lose you because this is my last straw. If you happen to see this im waiting and licking my wounds i so badly want to keep you in my life as a friend or a lover but i cant keep fighting for us by myself.

I let my overthinking and trying to communicate burn us both, i had been doing really good working on myself fixing myself but the way you are with me opened wounds i wasn’t ready to handle. Wounds that had not been touched in a long time irritated just by you doing what you have always done. Its my fault for letting my emotions get in the way, but i think if you communicated to me instead of bread crumbing me alluding to the idea maybe i could have had a better chance at beating my anxious attachment maybe if we were both open and honest from the beginning things could have been different. Im sorry for ruining things and i hope we can both find peace whether it be together or separately. If for whatever reason you do find this (doubt it) but if you do don’t throw this in my face let it be i dont want the fire to keep burning you and me. I want to heal and be better for at least myself because thats truly all i have.

Im not going to talk about you anymore at least the situation that i think is going on, im going to stop reading into your words im going to stop looking at the distance and leave it. Whatever happens- happens. Im over feeling delusional thinking that you have feelings for me and im over thinking that you’re going to tell me after all this time i thought we had good communication but im not going to keep inspecting the breadcrumbs. I didnt even have feelings for you until the idea of you having feelings for me turned them on. Im happy continuing our relationship as is but i will not be giving you room in my head rent free.