u/throwawayx506

I’ve been stuck questioning since September 2019. Since April 2024, I’ve had the idea of at least trying HRT, just to see how it makes me feel, but I’ve done nothing but stall on that idea. What if I get the permanent effects only to realize I’m not trans? What if I end up wanting to have a biological child but also end up forever infertile? What if the GOP has me prosecuted for doing it? This requires blood tests, needles are too scary.

I’ve done nothing but put this off for two years. I feel too hesitant to make an appointment for a decision that I still am unsure is right for me, let alone walk into the clinic to get an anxiety inducing blood draw. I’d also probably need to let my mother know about this in case I need assistance from her. She accepts me, but I still don’t feel comfortable discussing my gender identity with her. I think the least I should do is make a plan so that I at least have a better idea of what I’d be getting myself into.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to be myself.

Since I started questioning in 2019, I had some pretty active imaginations about what my feminine self could be like. I got to try some of that out in my dorm back when I was in college. I enjoyed wearing skirts, eyeliner, blush, knee-highs and lipstick. I really loved this pastel goth outfit that I put together. I figured maybe that goth outfit would help me come to terms with my identity as a trans woman. I do dream of being that person out in the open, expanding that feminine wardrobe with things like Demonia Swings, dying my hair black with some purple highlights, doing all sorts of things with my makeup. But I’m too shy and autistic to be myself. I agonize over being perceived by others. One of the biggest problems is that I have a lot of conservatives in my neighborhood. There are a few neighbors in there that have things like pride flags, anti-hate flags, and Democrat signs in their yards, but they seem to be outnumbered by the neighbors with MAGA flags in their yards. But even if I were to move to a big city with a lot less conservatives, I feel like I’d still need to hide this identity from the people around me. As someone on the spectrum, I constantly overthink whether I’m actually trans or just being delusional. I had those doubts kick in like crazy when I came out to my mother, making me wish I didn’t send that message, and all of a sudden, I felt even less ready to start presenting feminine. She’s still the only person I’m out to. I feel anxious about people witnessing a sudden change from an average guy to a goth chick. One thing we talked about with the counselor I saw in 2023, there people who may notice, and we can’t control what they think. I’ve tried finding ways to subtly ease into presenting more feminine so that people hardly notice, but there’s not a subtle way to ease into this dream presentation.

The best I’ve been able to do is present more androgynously. It started with growing out my hair. It has been nearly three and a half years since I took any significant length off. Sometimes I’ll curl it up with the curling iron. My conservative neighbors don’t seem to judge me for my long hair. Neither do the people at church. I’ve also started caring more for my bangs to hide my forehead. I use styling spray to keep it in place. Sometimes they’ll turn out pretty good, sometimes they won’t turn out good, and sometimes the wind will screw them up. I’ve also been wearing a black oversized vest that I feel makes me feel more androgynous with how baggy it is. Unfortunately, I can’t find other fitting androgynous tops for my style, and that becomes an issue during the summer. Not to mention, the color that makes me feel more androgynous is black. This thing absorbs a lot of heat. Also, I’m interested in moving to a warm state such as California in the future because winter is so brutal to me, so this issue could get even worse. I do wish there was a Sunday clothing equivalent to a top like that. I don’t feel quite as androgynous at church wearing a simple pair of black pants and a white shirt with a tie. I also often put on some subtle makeup. A little primer, foundation, contour, bronze, highlight, blush, eyeshadow, mascara, and sometimes concealer. I often go with the shimmery eyeshadow. However, I’ve only felt confident wearing simple shades of white, brown, and gold. Sometimes I go a little far from the lid or choose a pretty dark shade and worry people will notice. I know my mother has noticed that I wear makeup, but I’m out to her and she’s accepting, so it’s okay, though she doesn’t think wearing it when grandma’s around is a great idea.

Overall, I do feel more comfortable in this androgynous presentation than the way I presented 4 years ago. Sometimes I’ll even see my face in the mirror and feel a bit feminine. I do sometimes worry about how that could change if I don’t get on HRT soon (that’s a whole other dilemma I’ve been stuck in). I’ve even managed to male fail quite a few times. However, I still don’t feel complete. When I make an appointment to care for that hair I’m growing out, I see the option for coloring. I want that, but I only have the confidence to just get a maintenance trim. When it’s hot and the only androgynous top that I’ve felt comfortable wearing is making me hotter, I wish I had the confidence to just wear some of my cute feminine graphic tees I would wear back when I was living in my college dorm. A skirt would also be a nice way to feel like it’s more breathable down there. Heck, with a few years of taking estrogen, I could have the confidence to roam the beach in a beautiful bikini, let all my skin minus the naughty bits feel that ocean breeze. And I do wish I could use makeup for more than just making my face look tidier. I wish I could give my eyes some fun colors like pink, blue, and green. I wish I could give my eyes some bold wings. I wish I could give my lips a little bit of pop with colors like, pink, purple, orange, blue, and black. I wish I had the confidence to wear my knee highs when I’m running out of clean crew socks.

I wish I could live that fantasy, but this is the real world, and in the real world, there are real people, who have their perceptions of other people, and as someone on the spectrum, that makes me too shy to be me.

It’s been about three and a half years since I told my mother that I’ve been questioning my gender identity, and even though she accepted that, I wished I could un-come out to her. As soon as I sent the message, the doubts hit down on me hard. I could hear the voices in my head saying that I’m not really trans, that I’m just faking it. This decision to come out did lead to sorting things out with a counselor, which did lead to making presentational changes to look more androgynous, which I think has been a good move for me.

To this day, I still feel like I can’t talk to my mother about this. Whenever we’re in the car and she brings up my gender identity, doubts kick into action and I desperately wish for the subject to change. It was something I had to talk about when she brought me home from college for the first break after coming out, it was something I had to talk about when I explained to her why I didn’t feel comfortable taking a job at a place in Provo that my uncle knows an employee from, and it may be something I have to talk to her about if I’m gonna go forward with my idea of trying HRT to see how it makes me feel (and that’s just one of the many reasons why I’m hesitant to try HRT).

She also remains the only family member I’m out to.