dealing with anger after a breakup where i was cheated on
my ex and i broke up almost 3 months ago after a 6 year long friendship/relationship she was my best friend and my first gf, she cheated on me with a man (she's bi and i'm a woman) who i was obv constantly told never to worry about and that her feelings for me never had to do with him. she was mentally ill (fwi sh/su!cide) where i couldn't confront her about things because she would directly sh or threaten to k!hs. and i was her number one support when it came to this but i ended up also being the most effected by her behaviors caused by her mental ilness (she never went to therapy or tried help no matter how much i insitsted so i was the only one who knew and helped her with everything, tho i didnt mind the help as much as the backlash)
all in all after the breakup i insisted on cutting her off and never being friends agn because i felt immense unforgivable pain bcz of her where i wasnt eating for a week/was throwing up and i had intense stomach pain as a physical reaction to anything that had to do with her. after 2 months i went on a 3days trip with our mutual friend group and she as always pushed me back into it, the whole time i was shaking and my throat was aching with all the things i wanted to say to her as she was carressing my hair, we ended up in few fights as always and i left home crying and decided to never meet her again.
after that meet up she has tried contacing me several times and i eventually let her thinking she was gonna apologize or something, but instead she sends me 20 voice notes crying abt how she feels left out from the friend group and how she doesnt have any close friends esp after our breakup and how that somehow has to do with me. conversations with her during times where im in my pain have caused me too much anger for all the things i cant say, the way she reduces my pain, and for what the person i have loved for 6 years had turned out to be, that i now carry the most painful constant stomach ache and i just woke up from a dream where i was fighting with a psychopath who was throwing apples to my stomach and i woke up and it was the pain.
i have only 1 friend who knows about this and i feel like shit sharing my pain to others tho i need to bcz it helps, but its a permanant feeling and i cant be always yapping about this but i really need to deal with this anger inside of me, and this physical pain i cant live like this. thoughtss??