u/toxic-coffeebean

Like I can present as androgynous as i want and keep my agab a secret but ultimately i'll still get read as either a man or a woman. When i was more open about being agender to people outside of my close friend group or queer spaces, they didn't take it seriously and saw me as woman-lite or just didnt really get it and got confused. I am more on the masculine presenting side so i just tell people i am a guy cuz its less complicated and i found that I barely get she/her'd at all (eventhough i am really clocky because i only took T for 8 months before going off) + I am too dysphoric about my agab so being gendered as anything other than a woman is the better option. I still wish i could just be seen as fully genderless. Theres also no real way to go stealth which sucks. If you dont wanna be open about being trans for safety and comfort reasons, the only thing you can do if you're non binary or agender is just pretend to be cis and get misgendered all the time but that isn't really stealth, that's just going back into the closet. Does anyone else feel like this or am i weird?

Its gonna be so hot for the next weeks. I'm talking almost 40°C and i do not live in an area thats built for hot climates so its hell. We managed to get our house to stay quite cool but going outside is HELL. its bright, humid, hot and i am sweating the whole time. Its sensory hell. I basically have to just suffer through the whole thing while trying not to melt down and by the time i get home i am completely out of order and just take a cool shower and curl up somewhere for the rest of the day. Genuinely how do I deal with this? It's awful💔

I am not even depressed so i am not sure why i did it again. I have been hyper sensitive recently and any minor inconvenience has sent me into full blown meltdowns. I am not sure why or what to do about it. I feel awful. Every time i spiraled into a meltdown or a metal breakdown i had that little voice in the back of my head telling me to hurt myself again and eventhough I have been clean for years until now i never fully managed to get rid of it. Today it happened. I had a meltdown and after the meltdown was over i went to the bathroom to hurt myself. It was extremely minor but i still drew a little blood. I feel so ashamed that i relapsed after so many years because of something so little and unimportant. I hate that it still felt good and it calmed me down in the moment. I don't know what to do. I am scared i'm gonna do it again the next time i have a meltdown and hurting myself becomes routine again.