u/toxicfruitbaskets

Gives you a sense of relief. That their shit stain on society will be erased. Their legacy will be no more and their contribution will be voided. That they cannot hurt anyone anymore or ruin any more lives. I strive for the day that they face their judgment. It gives me a purpose to keep going. That one day, they will have their day. Just like they gave us as they were prancing around as doctor of the year. That really their purpose of becoming a psychiatrist was in vain. That’s the day I’ll truly be happy. When they are nonexistent.

Is something I would like to say to my last therapist. You don’t have to fake care and pretend to hold space for me. You don’t have to pretend anymore and can exhaust yourself fake caring about someone else. I hate that I thought you cared about me and that is wasn’t about the session fee. But I have to be honest with myself and face reality. You cared how I made you feel. You didn’t care about my truth or what I have to go through and truly face. You didn’t care about my problems. You would rather read word for word what you learned in schooling. Like a textbook cutout. Just like another spot to fill. An hour to waste. I hate that I gave therapy another chance and I hate that I gave it to you.

I think one of the worst parts is the music they play in the casino. It’s like they know exactly what to play to get you excited when you are winning and play the sad songs and about losing everything when you lose. The whole design is for you to lose. No clock. Every game starts to look and feel the same: a trap. I do not like the person I become when I engage in gambling. I relate the urge of wanting to gamble to demonic possession because it literally takes over you like you are under a spell of some sorts.

I‘m really trying my best to overcome. I know I can do it. I feel like you have to have the power of willpower, love for yourself and faith. My goal is to never gamble again and become someone I respect again and figure out a healthy way to deal with my problems and stress.

I really felt a mixture of each of these while being inpatient. I was both scared and understanding of what was happening when patients wanted to fight the staff, hurt themselves or other patients. I didn’t like it but started to understand when staff play headgames with your life you are practically defending yourself. I can see how people self harmed because of the dread of being there and feeling hopeless in their situation with no relief.

The constant screaming and yelling while being restrained and held down by a bunch of people. People bashing their head in the wall is a horrific sound that is engrained in my mind since I got out. The constant fight and flight mode you had be in. The hypervigilance.

Towards the end, all I wanted was the best for everyone and I learned not to have judgement towards other people or their situation. I realize everyone is going through something and that we are all just human.

The experience taught me that I never want to go inpatient again. It certainly isn’t for the weak and I felt we were in a mental health battlefield and instead of patients we were soldiers. Sometimes you just wanted to tap out and push a button and leave the hospital.

I’m grateful for what I took away from it and I won’t make the same mistake again thinking repeated hospitalizations will get better with each time around.

You’d be surprised at how many psychiatrists have deals such as kickbacks at the patients expense. All they have to do is give you a certain injection or pill and you’re just a patient of how many they give the same thing too. They are offered high value things like vacations, hotel rooms, fancy dinners etc.

I’ve seen it firsthand how it goes down. A company came in to a small outpatient group therapy program. They said they were here to talk about an injection and having “lunch.” Lunch was code for talking business and making a deal. Lunch wasn’t the perk. It was just a place to talk about the perks. Next week in group therapy a woman starts talking about how she is going to start taking an injection and how the office will have a nurse start giving injections.

I also felt at times we were on mental patient reality TV. Like the psychiatrists and therapists were secretly profiting off our sessions interacting with each other. Like another time I thought I was going to group therapy but it was actually a focus group.

It’s smart. You ask a psychiatrist why they are pushing a certain medication, they can say because it’s worked on patients like you for you fit the criteria for it to help you not that they have a shady deal going on.

I hope on their vacations I am thought of and every thought they have is who funded this trip. That means I own them as a patient. All their wants, dreams and desires. It’s like instead of them playing God, now I am. In a snap of a second I can take away their shady deal perks tied to me or expose other patients deals.

Guess it really does matter how you treat your patients.

I think about my LO instantly when this song comes on. It’s one of the songs I would put in a playlist about them if I had a playlist dedicated to them. Sometimes I don’t think to listen to it because I don’t want to think about them or think about how we are over.

I feel sometimes I am overtaken and they make me gamble when I don’t want to or stay awake when I want to sleep. It’s like I have to do. It feels like being under a spell or hypnotized and is hard to break free from. Taking medication helps to a point but then have to live with medication possession that causes you to be fat and lazy.

I’m just tired of feeling like this and having to deal with it. Why can’t we just live a normal life like everyone else?

To have a gambling addiction you are essentially possessed and every win is just fueling your possession. I want to stop gambling for a year and then hopefully forever. The chains of gambling are too tight. I don’t like who I am when I gamble and those around me that I hurt by doing it, and hurting myself. I know I can do it I just feel like it’s a hard psychological hold that feels spiritual to beat. You never truly stop gambling if you take breaks then go back.

The only way is to quit forever. That’s how you truly win.

I feel like the current therapy dynamic is one of a sugar baby/sugar daddy. You, are the “client” the one funding your therapist, in return for their “expertise” which could literally mean companionship, advice, therapy modules or more. I feel this patient- provider dynamic a lot in mental health. I talked about my therapist asking me to weekly sessions makes me feel used. I don’t want to be the weekly “client” they hooked. I also hate the word client in therapy or mental health. To me it’s degrading, I would rather be referred to as a patient. A few other providers I had take a lot of exotic vacations. I can’t help but to feel I funded that and their lifestyle.

Sometimes they will offer nothing, no “help” whatsoever and make bank off that. They are making a lot of money off their “clients” for practically sitting there. Sometimes with no engagement with you at all. Or sometimes they start doing what they think you need, which isn’t really what you need and you are still expected to pay their astronomical fee.

Therapy and mental health services is degrading for the patient, unfair and unequal. For the power imbalance is why I will stop seeking their “treatment”

I’m starting to feel the booking of more frequent appointments isn’t for the “client” but so they can use you as a stream of income. It sucks feeling that way and having to think that about them. This is why it’s hard dealing with a therapist. You don’t know anything about them, you are made to rely on them emotionally and every visit has a cost? What is the cost of care? Health?

I really don’t even know if I should bring this up them. Not because they wouldn’t be honest with me but because I hate having to think that is the reality. How are you supposed to attend these appointments knowing that? Nothing about it feels naturally, authentic or true.

There is no “care” in therapy. Just emotional pr*stitution.

I’m currently battling thoughts to go back inpatient. I see my therapist soon so I’m using that to justify me not going because I have to talk to them. It feels stupid if I said hey I postponed going to the hospital because of you yada yada. It sounds like I need them and fawning over them. When in reality their appointment came up and I didn’t feel like messing up the scheduling. At this point I’m debating what actually matters or what is the point in some things. Like the benefit of therapy. I don’t know if I can say how I really feel to them. What am I supposed to say I want you to make me feel better?? I need your help? I want your support and comfort? No, I can’t say any of that. Even if that is what therapy and therapists “promote” on the surface.

In reality, I can’t say how I really feel. I can’t say what I want or how I’m doing or what I need. What is even the point of them, the therapist at this point. I should rephrase it, their appointment is an inconvenience to my hospital stay.

Psychiatry - guessing, trying, seeing what “works.” I think it’s convenient that every person reacts differently to differently psych medications, that way if you don’t agree with it in your body after you take it or have a bad side effect they can use the well you just reacted to it this way but my other patient uses it and it works well for them.

The only code and knowledge they go off is the dsm and trial and error of patients but I find most of the time they make stuff up. Whatever they want. Sometimes they start to believe it too. Then they just go through life treating people with whatever they made up, that isn’t true and that doesn’t work/isn’t helpful. Who is to stop them?

Psychiatrists like to feel like they are smart. I mean they passed medical school after all. Now every night they kiss their diploma. They like to act like they are smart. Which leads to a huge ego and thinking they are smarter or better than everyone. To them everything is a clinical judgment.

I think part of the reason is why someone wants to be a psychiatry is insecurity. Particularly around being intelligent, how smart they are and a lack thereof. Some psychiatrists are genius level and they like to brag using their profession but most are stupid and try to overcompensate by being a doctor, not realizing a psychiatrist isn’t a real doctor and they think by being a psychiatrist they are above a medical doctor.

The person I have been limerent over started to get delusional asking me if I thought I was “better” than them. Finding out they must have felt that way was crushing considering I never had those feelings or thoughts towards them ever. Before my limerence, I think they felt ignored and like they were nothing to me. Which was half true, half not. After a major betrayal and disappointment by them I became limerent for them and have hated having limerence.

I realize having limerence for them (and them knowing) gassed them up too much and gave them a huge ego when they aren’t even all that. Me thinking they were hot also gassed them too much. Even though they aren’t ugly, it gave them a huge head.

I find it common that LO’s are put on levels by us that sometimes are untrue, they don’t deserve or isn’t in reality. Makes me want to never have limerence again for someone

I think I’m going to leave my therapist. They will end up being my last therapist for a long time, if ever. I don’t like feeling the idea of getting attached to them, thinking about them, wanting them to help me, wanting them to be different. I’m tired of wanting to see the good in them. Having an attachment or attraction to a therapist is just grounds for sabotage. I would never tell my therapist this, but some people tell them. Some expect them to reciprocate, and some do. Only for abuse. For it to be eventually used against you, emotional blackmail etc.

A lot of times if you actually like your therapist and they know that, they let it go to their head and develop a huge ego. Especially if they are playing you at the same time. I realized that some therapists essentially believe they are “dating” their patients and the patient is unaware and nonconsenting to these thoughts, actions and therapists reality.

Therapy brings up weird feelings. I idealized my therapist but I don’t think I actually like them. I may think they are attractive but then I am unsure about them. “Therapy” - a weird “relationship” that is supposedly “therapeutic” which is code for predatory and false that ends in you losing trust, being blamed for everything, being misunderstood and feeling more alone than before you started.

Just the pain of reality seeping in. Late at night. Having a limerence existential crisis lol. I don’t know which is worse, the feeling of limerence or the facts of reality. Lately, I wish I never met them and am baffled a person who is not in my life anymore still takes up more space, time and occupy in my mind than they did when they were in my life. How can they go from meaning nothing to me and me not caring to this? It’s not really about them. Or even them as a person. I actually dehumanized them and then idealized them in a vicious cycle. It’s kind of heartbreaking that they really don’t matter and it’s really about me, not them.

Limerence, a curse or a lesson?

Everyone knows there is nothing “medical” regarding psychiatrists and psychiatry. In fact, medical doctors look down on and don’t respect psychiatrists or their “profession.” In fact, people become psychiatrists because they couldn’t make it as a real medical professional. They didn’t want to work as hard but reap the same perks as “doctor status.” Do you know what’s worse of all? A medical doctor who doesn’t specialize in psychiatry but gives people wrong diagnosis’s in the emergency room. Wow, the ego on those people. Nothing but an egomaniac! There truly is no “speciality” or “knowledge” in psychiatry because everything is subjective and there are no clear tests, only opinions that fit under a category of whether it can be represented as a “symptom” that could be “treated” and “diagnosed” by a pharmaceutical drug.

It’s crazy how almost anything can be a symptom and they will keep trying to “find” you a psychiatric drug that will “treat” whatever.

Psychiatrist? It’s laughable. Not even a real doctor. Just a fraud and a bad actor.

Also to go with it Escape From LA also those songs are intertwined. That song comes first. I have current songs that change all the time where I can listen to them and reminisce about LO and our situation. I miss how they made me feel and how it was a simpler time. I miss who I was when I was with them. Sometimes I just put the song on repeat and zone out for an hour.

Why does limerence have to be so hard?

No one seems to understand you anymore. People judge you. They don’t know what you’ve really been through. Things don’t interest you anymore. You’re forced to relive the same day every day and relive the same symptoms. You feel like you try your best but it’s never good enough or to anyones standards. You can’t function anymore. Not like you used to or like a regular person. You have no hobbies because you are preoccupied with your symptoms that psychiatric drugs gave you.

You have a professional to talk to. But you feel like they are no help. You feel hopeless. Why try? The only thing you do and wait on is coming to the hospital and leaving the hospital. It’s tragic. The way your life was supposed to be and go. They said these pills would make you feel better and improve your quality of life. Why do I feel so shitty then? Why do I feel worse before I ever started or got introduced to the mental health system? Everything is painful. Existence is painful, long and bleak. You develop a psychological need for the medication you’ve been taking for years. So now you have problems when trying to come off of it and problems while taking it.

You look around and see everyone is happy. You can’t be happy on or off psychiatric medication. You see them enjoying their life, things they love and people who are there for them. Why can’t I have that? Well, because you’re a psych patient. It seems like we are punished for being human and feeling emotions. Everything is either you’re not well or did you take your medication? No one really cares besides those two questions.

When people find out you’ve been hospitalized they give you that look and start treating you different. They talk about you to others behind your back. Even your doctors judge you when their literal profession is to treat mental illness and people’s problems.

You’re either between a forced hospital stay or despair. All your dreams and hopes fade away. Everything you were working towards just stops. You don’t like yourself anymore or who you are now after everything you endured. You wonder if things will ever actually get better or you are cursed to stay stuck this way.

The only people who get you are other patients. But even then you stop connecting with them. You can’t even find a doctor or therapist worth connecting to anymore. You’re on your own. Even having people around you, you feel so alone. You can’t even find a little bit of comfort at the hospital anymore.

The worst thing is feel stuck, not knowing what to do about it and realizing maybe things actually won’t get better but could get worse and coming to terms and accepting that. Accepting how things are now not how they used to be. Living in the present. Accepting the truth is hard.

I’m just really going through a hard time right now. I keep thinking about them even though I don’t want to which has led to some self destructive behavior. It’s nice to know you aren’t alone and someone else understands you. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get better from this but I hope I do. I’m tired of reliving the situation and thinking of them even though they haven’t been in my life. I just wish I could forget about them. I wish I never met them so I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain. Maybe one day I’ll forget them.

Thanks for reading.

You are forced to deal with side effects, some temporary some permanent that are taking away from your life. Ironically, antipsychotics are supposed to add value to your life. How is it living when you are sleeping 20 hours a day? When you gain so much weight and can’t even exercise? You lose the will to even live or want to move while taking antipsychotics. Just turning into a blob of nothing. No hope, no hobbies, no motivation, no social life.

Now you have to deal with mental illness like depression from side effects that taking the medication in the first place was supposed to help you with. It seems like antipsychotics give you mental illness symptoms especially after being on them for awhile and just by stopping the drug.

It makes it seem like your problems before taking an antipsychotic were minuscule and you should of just dealt with them instead of the alternative. No one understands what you’re going through unless they have been on antipsychotics.

I’m thinking of going on a water fast to lose 80 pounds. I can’t lose weight any other way. Dieting and exercising cause me not to gain or lose any weight despite trying so hard. I’m tired of being fat on antipsychotics. Not even a glp1 could help me. I just stayed at the same number for months.

It gets discouraging dealing with side effects. Some can be reversible but some you have to end up dealing with. With no cure or fix to remedy it. If they told you all the possibilities that could happen to you after taking an antipsychotic you wouldn’t take it and no one would be on antipsychotics.

Damage from psych meds are real. Imagine you are perfectly healthy individual and you develop man boobs, extreme obesity and erectile dysfunction. What in the name of health is that? Psychiatrists don’t care about health. They don’t even run tests on you beforehand to see if it’s underlying condition instead of psychiatric.

Psychiatrists are sadists who torture people with pharmaceuticals. I’m convinced they learn in their schooling which drug causes which side effects to prescribe it to you on purpose and ruin your life.

I miss my life and who I used to be before taking antipsychotics. The test trials of testing different ones to see which one would “work” ruined my life.