u/unnamed_7777

I met this guy and from the start we knew it wasn’t going to work because he had to eventually leave the country. However, we fell in love. Every time he would try breaking up with me, I wouldn’t actually follow through with it and end up contacting him. He would eventually come back (he cared about me and is also a huge people pleaser) and we would restart the same loop.

We stayed in this for a year and many attempts at him ending it. He loved me a lot but we just had incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be together. However, I didn’t want to accept any of it. I loved him so much that I was ready to do anything to be with him, even if it meant losing myself. I kept pushing and chased and begged to be chosen by him because feeling rejected would make me feel worthless.

I’ve always been anxiously attached and i’m not proud of the way I behave when my fear of abandonment kicks in.

Last time we broke up, I kept messaging him and we met up twice and had sex. I asked him if he was seeing someone new and he said no. Turns out he lied to me, and he was in fact talking to someone.
When I confronted him he said that he was only doing this because he just didn’t know what else to do to keep me away and that he tried repeatedly to end things and me never accepting it. He also deeply apologized for lying to me and said he did it because he didn’t want to hurt me.

I, of course, understand that I have a role to play in getting things to where they got, but it just shattered me that he lied to me when I asked him if he was seeing someone new. If i had known he was talking to someone, I wouldn’t have slept with him.
He knows he messed up and he apologized a lot and told me that him talking to this new girl meant nothing and that he was only doing it because he just didn’t know what else to do, since he repeatedly tried breaking up with me for a year and I was never accepting it and would try to get us back. I get that part but I just can’t get over him lying to me about it. I felt betrayed.

Regardless of this all, I still tried pushing to get him back after finding all this out… he obviously refused and eventually blocked me everywhere because I kept reaching out…

I understand my role in this all and I never should’ve pushed and disrespected his boundaries and I should’ve accepted it from the start that we cannot be together, rather than relying on him to end things every time.

He would reassure me every time that him ending it has nothing to do with me as a person or my worth. That i’m an amazing person who will be successful and will find the right person. He would also always tell me how I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone. None of this would stick in my brain when I felt triggered, unfortunately.

However, out of my own self respect, why was I still chasing him after I found out that he was seeing another girl and lied to me about it? Where’s my self worth? Why would I even accept that for myself?

Thi situation has been so eye opening and as hard as it is, I’m finally starting to do the hard work to change. I don’t ever want to self abandon anymore, nor do I want my behaviour to negatively impact someone else.

I noticed that I use sex to prevent abandonment.
If a relationship is ending, I will suggest that we start hooking up just so I don’t lose them completely.
However, I noticed that I give extreme mixed signals.
When i’m in a relationship that isn’t working, because it’s so hard for me to accept that and deal with being abandoned, I start being “in control” of the intimacy. Sometimes I will initiate sex, other times I will turn him down, other times I will give mixed signals. It is never my intention to play with the person and manipulate them. How I see it, is that when my abandonment wound gets triggered, I initiate sex to restore the connection, but then there’s also a part of me that needs to protect herself from being hurt and rejected, since the relationship is not working, so I then pull away intimately.
I have noticed this pattern in all my relationships. I feel uncomfortable being intimate if I don’t feel the emotional safety, and I will communicate that and the other person is usually receptive. But then when I feel like I’m losing them, I will start initiating intimacy again. I feel so bad when I do that because I hate playing with people’s feelings and giving mixed signals.
Also just to clarify, they’re usually all relationships that are already not working (due to various reasons), but instead of accepting that we need to break up, I obviously freak out and start acting in this unhealthy way…

I’m an AP, and it impacts my romantic relationships.
I always attract people that are not ready for something serious, who are emotionally unavailable, and I try to convince them otherwise. I push and chase and beg to be chosen. I cross over their boundaries when they express that we shouldn’t keep communicating, I freak out and feel so rejected.
I link my self worth to the love they give me. If someone tells me they cannot be with me, i will immediately think that i’m the problem and instead of accepting their decision, I keep on pushing and I do everything in my power to make them stay.
I hate being this way. It’s not fair for me and for others. Being this way brings me so much shame. I hate how much pressure I put on others in relationships and how much i cross boundaries and how much emotional weight i put on the other person.
I want to be able to accept people’s boundaries, accept that a relationship is not working due to incompatibilities, accept that a person does not wish to continue a relationship with me. But I just can’t. It impacts my whole life and how I view myself. Every time I go through a breakup, my whole life gets impacted, I stop eating, sleep in all day, stop performing at work, stop working out. I basically put my life on pause, hoping the other person comes back.
I’m in therapy and i’ve been for years but i’m still the same. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Being on the receiving end of a people pleaser unmasking is so destabilizing

For the first time in my life, I dated a self-claimed people pleaser and didn’t think much of it. He was extremely nice, genuine and always put me and my feelings and needs first; which I thought was so kind. However, the only reason I had no problem with his people pleasing, is because I was benefiting from it, without realizing it. My anxious attachment mixed with his people pleasing, was the recipe for a toxic relationship lasting way more than it should have.
When we started talking, he told me that he always unawarely plays the perfect guy in relationships and that his partners then see him as this amazing guy with no flaws, but that it’s not who he actually is but he is just too scared to speak up his mind and get abandoned (that was the first red flag that I willingly ignored as I thought he wouldn’t do this with me!!)
However, a year into the relationship and him attempting multiple times to ends it and me never accepting it (codependency and anxious attachment), he eventually dropped his mask and swung the opposite way of the pendulum, becoming very cold, harsh, lying and even betraying me.
All this was such a shock to me because I never saw this side of him. The way he was now behaving did not align with the guy I knew, who always went the extra mile to make sure I was ok.
I’m very much aware now that him people pleasing was also not healthy because he was basically self abandoning for my owns needs, and I had no problem with that while it was happening because I was benefiting from it.
I have read a lot about this concept and have learned that people pleasers do swing the opposite way when they just can’t take it anymore and they become harsh and cold and hurtful as a way to protect themselves after building much unspoken resentment.
Has anyone experienced something like this? What is the deep psychology about it?

UPDATE : I think i need to add more context to this. he attempted to end this many times and I have always refused and got emotional immediately which prompted him to stay. When we would break up, I would always reach out and not respect no contact until he eventually came back. He did tell me numerous times how all this was affecting him but unfortunately i brushed it off because I had no capacity of accepting the loss (I’m working hard on my abandonment issues in therapy). This last time we broke up, he immediately started talking to another girl as an attempt to not answer me if I try to contact him. However, i pushed enough and we ended up seeing each other and sleeping together twice, without him mentioning that he started talking to another girl, even though I asked him before we slept together. I later found out and it shattered me because I felt betrayed that he lied to me about seeing someone new, even though he was talking to her at the same time that we slept together both times. When I confronted him he said he knows it’s wrong but that it was his attempt to keep me away because he knew I would try coming back and not respect his boundaries and that talking to this girl was his only way for him to not get back into the same loop.

UPDATE 2: I just want to add something else. I know I pushed beyond means and it must’ve been tremendously hard for me. I realize all this and I know that I was acting out of my own trauma and issues. But I also want to add that he was also giving me mixed signals, treating me like I was his girlfriend and even telling me once in February that it might work between us. I know be wasn’t trying to manipulate me and that he was acting out of his love for me and also the pressure i put on him. I’m just adding this to add more context.

For the first time in my life, I dated a self-claimed people pleaser and didn’t think much of it. He was extremely nice, genuine and always put me and my feelings and needs first; which I thought was so kind. However, the only reason I had no problem with his people pleasing, is because I was benefiting from it, without realizing it. My anxious attachment mixed with his people pleasing, was the recipe for a toxic relationship lasting way more than it should have.
When we started talking, he told me that he always unawarely plays the perfect guy in relationships and that his partners then see him as this amazing guy with no flaws, but that it’s not who he actually is but he is just too scared to speak up his mind and get abandoned (that was the first red flag that I willingly ignored as I thought he wouldn’t do this with me!!)
However, a year into the relationship and him attempting multiple times to ends it and me never accepting it (codependency and anxious attachment), he eventually dropped his mask and swung the opposite way of the pendulum, becoming very cold, harsh, lying and even betraying me.
All this was such a shock to me because I never saw this side of him. The way he was now behaving did not align with the guy I knew, who always went the extra mile to make sure I was ok.
I’m very much aware now that him people pleasing was also not healthy because he was basically self abandoning for my owns needs, and I had no problem with that while it was happening because I was benefiting from it.
I have read a lot about this concept and have learned that people pleasers do swing the opposite way when they just can’t take it anymore and they become harsh and cold and hurtful as a way to protect themselves after building much unspoken resentment.
Has anyone experienced something like this? What is the deep psychology about it?

Going through a breakup, on its own, is very hard. Now add OCD to the mix, and you get the most painfully inducing experience.

This has always been the case for me as after every break up, I start replaying events non stop, checking to see if I was a bad person, feeling extreme guilt/shame, ruminating non stop. It’s to the point where my body feels physically exhausted. It is so tiring.

I also feel like because of OCD, it makes it so hard to process the breakup in a “normal way”. Instead of thinking of what really went on, how to improve in the future, etc, I get stuck in mental compulsions and ruminations that serve no real purpose in truly processing what happened.

It is so exhausting.

French (original):

Les jours vont passer
Les larmes vont disparaître
La peine va s’estomper
Les souvenirs vont rester
La rage va s’éteindre
La confiance va retourner
Les sentiments vont se calmer
Ta voix vas s’éloigner
Ta trahison va s’accepter
Ma force va me surmonter
Ton image va s’oublier

English:

The days will pass.
The tears will fade.
The pain will lessen.
The memories will remain.
The anger will die down.
Trust will return.
My feelings will settle.
Your voice will grow distant.
Your betrayal will be accepted.
My strength will carry me through.
Your image will fade away.