u/uranus-h-

Ive been very ungrateful to my body. Ive shunned it, shamed it, cut it, harmed it. But never once did it give up on me. It gave me pleasure, helped me stay happy no matter what. In the war between my past and my present, the war of my mind, why is my body the one getting hurt? What did my body do?

What if one day I wake up, and this body I dear so much disappears? Because Ive been way too ungrateful. I never once acknowledged how beautiful my body is. Due to the war of my minds, my heart wont let me love my body. What did my body do? Despite me not acknowledging, it still protects me, it still cares for me, it still cherishes me. As if I am it's baby, and it is my mother. It observes my hatred, my pain, my sorrows and stays silent. Not in an ignorant way. It stays silent, observing me, hurting inside. It wants to save me, but it cant. It tries its best, helps me run away from my problems, distracts me, makes me laugh and smile. But my mind catches up to me always. What did my body do?

To deserve all this mistreatment? I sell it away to men who dont value it, in return for regret. My mind craves sex, my heart craves love and my body craves love, not from others but from me. I let all these men touch me, use me for their pleasure, and i get no pleasure in return, only more sorrow and confusion. Everytime someone touches me, it tickles. Anytime the wind blows a bit too hard, it tickles. During sex, I go numb. It's as if my body doesnt like it. Its uncomfortable. But it still goes on with it, because thats what I want. Still it doesnt hate me, it doesnt betray me. It silently stays with me, and cries along with me. It knows that I hurt it, and I hate it. But it never leaves my side. It hugs me saying "its ok papa I'll always be with you".

The guilt eats me alive. The guilt of not being a good father. The guilt of not being able to change. When will this numbness ever go. When will I be able to hug my body back. I know it deserves it, but my heart and my mind doesnt let me. My body did not do anything wrong, yet still it suffers. For me and with me.