u/utopian_romantic2303

Had a long day of classes and maternity ward work today. This is was the first time i was allowed to monitor a foetus’s heartbeat through the mum’s womb, on a monitor- A landmark event for most med students. Although a woman, I’m inherently unmoved by themes such as babies, pregnancy, the whole ‘motherhood’ thing, and pardon me for that, I’m mentally ill and anhedonic. I don’t think there’s a soft corner, a mum’s heart, anywhere within me, or if it is, it may be frozen deep in some recess. No shivers, no “oooh!” moment for me when I finally detected the heart beat-but, the mum looked into my eyes and smiled. So I did too. that smile, reassured and eased with satisfaction stayed etched in my head. Once I was back in my room, lying in my bed, I thought how I am in all probability never going to be a mother. A decision like that in this economy, this state of the world and given the tedious medicine timeline seems unnecessary to me. I think of the women I’ve seen in the past few days- someone who underwent a cerclage- the birth-canal literally tied shut to prevent a miscarriage. A mum pregnant with twins barely able to move. Women with anticipation, excitement and nervousness fleeting across their faces, lying on the exam table to get a sono done- to get a glimpse of their flesh and blood, the nose that’s like theirs or the little fingers clasping and unclasping. I think of their faces- the tired, yet deep assurance of their decision on them. I think of myself, lost in these fluorescent lit corridors, incessantly trying to prove myself, day after day, test after test, deeply unsettled, anxious to the core, rest and satisfaction beyond me. the existential panic hits me like a wave. I realize no amount of-‘this is the best feeling in the world’ propaganda will convince me to bear a child. I think of how that smile may never adorn my face; a life of despair, the guilt of not fulfilling the only inherent ‘purpose’ of human life, a void, an empty house full of the disease-ridden pages of medical texts and manuscripts flash by before my eyes, as I drift into an exhausted sleep.

I’m a med student. I’ve read and loved the bell jar. the despair, the lives that could be, the disquieting experience of being a woman with a mind of her own resonates deeply with me. here’s my tribute to plath with a reflection from today. I’d love to know how you think the themes here resonate with the bell jar, if they do, any feedback as well!

We had a long day of classes and maternity ward work today. This is was the first time i was allowed to monitor a foetus’s heartbeat through the mum’s womb, on a monitor- A landmark event for most med students. Although a woman, I’m inherently unmoved by themes such as babies, pregnancy, the whole ‘motherhood’ thing, and pardon me for that, I’m mentally ill and anhedonic. I don’t think there’s a soft corner, a mum’s heart, anywhere within me, or if it is, it may be frozen deep in some recess. No shivers, no “oooh!” moment for me when I finally detected the heart beat-but, the mum looked into my eyes and smiled. So I did too. that smile, reassured and eased with satisfaction stayed etched in my head. Once I was back in my room, lying in my bed, I thought how I am in all probability never going to be a mother. A decision like that in this economy, this state of the world and given the tedious medicine timeline seems unnecessary to me. I think of the women I’ve seen in the past few days- someone who underwent a cerclage- the birth-canal literally tied shut to prevent a miscarriage. A mum pregnant with twins barely able to move. Women with anticipation, excitement and nervousness fleeting across their faces, lying on the exam table to get a sono done- to get a glimpse of their flesh and blood, the nose that’s like theirs or the little fingers clasping and unclasping. I think of their faces- the tired, yet deep assurance of their decision on them. I think of myself, lost in these fluorescent lit corridors, incessantly trying to prove myself, day after day, test after test, deeply unsettled, anxious to the core, rest and satisfaction beyond me. the existential panic hits me like a wave. I realize no amount of-‘this is the best feeling in the world’ propaganda will convince me to bear a child. I think of how that smile may never adorn my face; a life of despair, the guilt of not fulfilling the only inherent ‘purpose’ of human life, a void, an empty house full of the disease-ridden pages of medical texts and manuscripts flash by before my eyes, as I drift into an exhausted sleep.

so I read this book by sohn won pyung. and it was about this boy who had alexithymia meaning he couldn’t feel the regular emotions. now due to some reasons I’m very anhedonic and things fail to stir me much. surprisingly, even though the boy couldn’t feel anything and I ended up not highlighting anything in the text(which i do with lines that stir me deeply) i cried throughout the book. i cried silently, tears streaming down in slow motion, quietly. there wasnt any idea in particular it stirred in me, yet i cried throughout. what’s even this reaction? did others feel the same? I dont understand what to think/feel of this. can someone help me process this?
(PS looking back i feel like the writing is GeNiOuS)

Fourth year student here. I don’t have an online coaching subscription yet. been 5 months into fourth year. I just finished w step 1 and i’ve already spent tons on uworld and exam fee. it feels like a crime asking my parents for another 50k or so to get a sparrow sub. moreover i’m so done w the toxicity around sparrow that the thought of it irritated me. all through med school i’ve stuck to textbooks and theyve worked well for me. i absolutely detest being spoon fed loads of content. now, reading books seems counterproductive as everyone around me is learning at 2x speed and high yield. Is it absolutely necessary to buy a sparrow sub to get through final year? are there ppl who have studied and scored well in proffs without coaching? my basics are strong and all i need is complete concise content without the intervening bs written in big ahh books.
whats the best way forward for me?
(ps im not intending to give neetpg)

would be grateful for any leads on this!

International Med student from India here. I’m planning on building a career in public/global health. Next summer i wish to travel to germany to gain experience in the health system. What options are best for international students to visit university hospitals? Which universities are open to international students? I’m given to understand that unis such as Hiedelberg and TU Klinikum only take in students from partner universities abroad. In that case what universities would be more accepting? By next year i plan on reaching B1 proficiency in German