u/vicessy

Tw: self harm

Hi hello. I’ve been suffering from intense ROCD for the past two months, a week after me and my girlfriend got together.

The rumination has been awful. I feel like my normal daily routine has been messed up and my brain can’t even function like it used to. The relationship has, i feel as if, done more harm than good despite how healthy our genuine relationship has been. Yesterday, I committed self harm for once the first time… it helped me feel ‘grounded’ and as if I could focus again. I am not proud of that and today, with a relatively calmer mind, thought to myself that I should not be in a relationship if I have to physically harm myself to feel grounded.

I don’t bring anything related to my rocd to the relationship. Not a single mention, not a single action and don’t let it influence how I act/behave with her. I know it is true that the relationship is not the cause and the root issue lies with me in the end. But… I was so much healthier before we got together and our dynamic as friends was so much easier on my mind.

But I don’t want to leave her. There is not a single person I find as much attractive as her or more. There is not a single person I want to love as much as I love her. But my feelings make me a severely unstable person emotionally. I have no access to therapy and have exhausted whatever tips I could find online. Everything leads me back to where I was in the worst possible scenario of my rumination. I have just never had enough healthy relationships, friendships or connections in my life to even know what one looks like.

I’m 18 years old, I have to deal with moving out for uni, new environments, academics, finals and so much more. I think I can’t handle so much stuff at once especially at my age either. But I want to keep trying, she’s what I’ve ever wanted in a person and more. But also… I am tired. I am very very very very tired. I have never self harmed in my life except yesterday and I ended up almost breaking down on call with her last night (but held back). She loves me SO much and I have no doubts that I am a great partner to her and that she is very happy since she has expressed her willingness to stay with me ‘forever’ a million times. But sigh…. Really, I am tired. I am tired of everything. I don’t want a relationship that would feel like this:(.

Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated! I don’t have a hard-to-ignore urge to breakup but it is what I have been considering for sure 😔 I really need some advice or support? I feel incredibly lonely. Maybe even a virtual hug would be nice 😔

Tw: self harm

Hi hello. I’ve been suffering from intense ROCD for the past two months, a week after me and my girlfriend got together.

The rumination has been awful. I feel like my normal daily routine has been messed up and my brain can’t even function like it used to. The relationship has, i feel as if, done more harm than good despite how healthy our genuine relationship has been. Yesterday, I committed self harm for once the first time… it helped me feel ‘grounded’ and as if I could focus again. I am not proud of that and today, with a relatively calmer mind, thought to myself that I should not be in a relationship if I have to physically harm myself to feel grounded.

I don’t bring anything related to my rocd to the relationship. Not a single mention, not a single action and don’t let it influence how I act/behave with her. I know it is true that the relationship is not the cause and the root issue lies with me in the end. But… I was so much healthier before we got together and our dynamic as friends was so much easier on my mind.

But I don’t want to leave her. There is not a single person I find as much attractive as her or more. There is not a single person I want to love as much as I love her. But my feelings make me a severely unstable person emotionally. I have no access to therapy and have exhausted whatever tips I could find online. Everything leads me back to where I was in the worst possible scenario of my rumination. I have just never had enough healthy relationships, friendships or connections in my life to even know what one looks like.

I’m 18 years old, I have to deal with moving out for uni, new environments, academics, finals and so much more. I think I can’t handle so much stuff at once especially at my age either. But I want to keep trying, she’s what I’ve ever wanted in a person and more. But also… I am tired. I am very very very very tired. I have never self harmed in my life except yesterday and I ended up almost breaking down on call with her last night (but held back). She loves me SO much and I have no doubts that I am a great partner to her and that she is very happy since she has expressed her willingness to stay with me ‘forever’ a million times. But sigh…. Really, I am tired. I am tired of everything. I don’t want a relationship that would feel like this:(.

Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated! I don’t have a hard-to-ignore urge to breakup but it is what I have been considering for sure 😔 I really need some advice or support? I feel incredibly lonely. Maybe even a virtual hug would be nice 😔

Tagged NSFW for topics of self harm.

I (18M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (18F) for about 2 months. I don’t wish to get into specifics but when I had met her, she was in a considerably worse position mentally.

This influenced her entire perception and identity about self. Back then, for example, she wore a completely different aesthetic of clothes, had a different hairstyle, etc. It was a well defined style all in all. And I would be really lying if I said that it wasn’t one of the distinct traits of her that made me fall in love with her.

Now, as we are together, she has gotten in a much better position mentally. I had not known about her circumstances and what had influenced her to appear differently until into our relationship and how now she is getting more confident in herself while exploring what she actually likes again. She termed her older style as “emotional self harm” since she hates it. I… genuinely flinched when she told me that. I felt so so so horrible.

I have expressed my unconditional support and have not even once mentioned that I ‘miss’ or ‘prefer’ her older style. I have not changed the way I treat her even slightly BUT… she is quite insecure about this still and has told me that she’d ‘change’ herself for me over something completely unrelated. After hearing that once, I have made it very clear to her that:-

•I do NOT want her to change herself for me since I like her the most the way she is currently.

•I WANT her to do what she feels comfortable and confident in as that would be my ‘ultimate’ preference for the relationship.

•I do NOT want her to dress and style like anything other than what she wants to do so.

•I would SUPPORT her unconditionally and not love her any differently even if she changes into whatever.

My main guilt stems from the fact that if you were to ask me honestly and bluntly, I would really say that I miss her older style much more. But would I leave her for anybody else that shares this style? No. Would I want her to return to that style? A BIG NO. Have I persuaded her to change back? NO. Would I ever bring up how I miss her older look? NO. Would I break up with her over her changing her style? NEVER. Do I value her enough and plenty still? ALWAYS, style never really is something that would change it. I keep feeling like an asshole.

It’s just that my brain can’t stop linking the comment of her emotional self harm and my preference together. I am happy for her and I want to support her, I really do… but I still have this superficial preference of what she terms as ‘self harm’… and I can’t undo those feelings, right? I tried and I feel so awful. I genuinely feel so awful. I simply just prefer it and that’s it. That’s IT. I don’t want her to change or anything, I just can’t get rid of the fact that I prefer something she hated about herself. Sigh

I’m really tired. I had an rocd trigger while scrolling an instagram post today which she liked. Wasn’t ANYTHING bad, just something my brain did enough mental gymnastics to trigger an overthinking process that lead me to question her physical features for NO reason at all.

Wasn’t even judging her or questioning my attractiveness but just… something very peculiar entirely. It was me blaming myself over preferring a different look of hers even though I don’t. Or even if I do, why am I beating myself up over it?

But I oppressed it hard. I genuinely fought, closed my eyes, grinned my teeth and squeezed my fist as I told it to “stop, not tonight.”

It’s silent now, it’s gone for a while, I believe. I am at peace. But I am tired. I am so tired. I don’t have it in me to do this everytime.

I want to feel normal again. Forever.

Turned an adult only some time ago so I finally decided to go ahead and learning how to drive! But like… I’m messing up so much.

In my first time, it was okay and chill. During the second time, i struggled with overtaking properly. During the third time, I learnt (and struggled) with turns and overtaking. And today, the 4th time, I did… better but still not ‘good enough’. According to my father AND the instructor: Can’t sort properly on how to figure out the correct extent of clutch and race (it’s a very old petrol car, probably from the 2000’s), my reaction time needs work since I’m ‘slow’ and I need to get more familiar with gears.

Haven’t crashed yet thankfully…but the instructor and father especially seem to be expecting me to be all good and perfect already. I have NO prior driving experience because parents were too conscious of me driving underage. I’m struggling quite frankly 😭 but I also feel as if I’m not staying upto the mark. Is this normal? Or do i just suck?