u/vicksnightmare

Would love some encouragement or advice on getting through a 4 day fast for my first fast after a month its been difficult to restart and stick with it

Long story short im anorexic and in recover(i got out over a month ago) i started eating again. I was eating orthorexicly which i used to do regardless of my size but now its just full on eating and eating until my stomach is so distended and i throw up without even trying. Ive been told “LiStEn To YoUr BoDy” meh meh meh but when i do i end up like this and then im >!suicidal!< asf because i keep telling myself to slow down and i dont its like my brain switches to autopilot and im no longer in control. How long does it take for the distention and bloating to go away my body genuinely needs a break to pass everything in my system im so sick of this binge cycle i dont even want to leave my house anymore and im this close to throwing all of the food in it away. Im the definition of gluttony rn and all i wanna do is relapse and im scared of what im doing to myself that its affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. If you have experience or went through something similar i beg you please help

Genuinely the worst thing i could have done. Not only am i anorexic im now b/ping and i havent dont that in months. My throat tastes like blood and i dont even know my limit with food i just dont feel satiated. I ate 3 bagels…wtf is wrong with me. Even after emptying my stomach i went back and ate something again and just repeated the cycle im so disgusted i thought i was supposed to go forward not backwards :(

Im so hungry its not even i just wanna eat and the thought of food makes me wanna cry i havent eaten in 2 days but i genuinely cant bring myself to consume something and its driving me crazy

Im currently 3 weeks into recovery and god this has sucked. Some of the worst parts of this has been the extreme hunger and practically binging even though im already full bc i dont know when to stop and just want to keep eating. I went out with family to a buffet and those places are dangerous for me bc no one thinks twice of the petite girl having an ed so no one stops me and i wish my mom had. I kept eating and eating to the point i had distention after. I had so many regrets and kept throwing hours after eating(on purpose and because i was sick). I couldnt even keep liquids down. I find myself craving food 10 minutes after eating even though i know im satiated i just dont know when to stop and its just from boredom and wanting something to do bc my mind is occupied 24/7 about what im eating next. Id love some advice for this if anyone could offer it. I fear if this continues ill stop recovering and im leaning towards not recovering bc this feels like too much.

curious to see if anyone else has sma syndrome like i do and what your experience has been like with it

Ive made the steps to recovery because i wanted the help. Now everythings my fault with my mom and ive never felt more like the worlds biggest pos then now. I didnt choose this if i could stop i would or if i could go back and tell myself not to do what im doing i would. Nobody genuinely wants this it fucking sucks. I used to have stashes of food all over my room my mom cleared those out and as i find them i bring them down as well because i wanted to get better. She just came into my room looking for something and found a single twix that she missed and was saying here we go again. I blew up i dont know how much more of this i can mentally take before i actually jump off the deep end. She makes it seem like i ruined her life but i never asked her to care or for help. I then found out the day before that shes going behind my back to get me into a facility that i dont need to be in. Im getting better and gaining and shes rushing this entire process acting like ill be fixed overnight. Mind you im an adult and i can say no

Im 7 days into recovery and i hate how bloated my stomach looks. At first i was in a state of complete bliss bc for once my mood was regulated and i was eating healthy whole foods(very much orthorexic) of my choice and now that im home from the hospital i just wanna go back to restricting. I love the taste of food and have extreme hunger and want to eat everything in sight and it’s driving me crazy. There was a part of me in that hospital that wanted to get better but i guess i left it there when i was discharged. I hate this realization but at the same time im ok with it wtf is wrong with me. It makes me feel like im faking bc im actually enjoying eating but todays just been terrible and i just wanna give up :(

Its 5 in the morning and my appointment with a clinic is in 2 and a half hours. I’ve barely slept and woke up multiple times im so exhausted. Im so scared theyre going to keep me there. Ik this is a good thing but im still not ready please leave words of encouragement and keep me in your thoughts:/

I have so many thoughts in my head so i apologize if its not structured T_T

1. Im on day 5 of fasting (all ive had is those bloom energy drink powders which are >!10 cals!< so i dont count that) and I keep thinking tomorrow will be the day that i eat something but i just cant do it. My mom got rid of the scale in her bathroom so I have no idea how much I weigh and it scares me. I really want cheesy eggs on a bagel but im terrified of carbs. I miss eating pasta sm italian food is my favorite and i havent had it in almost a year.
2. My bf and i kind of got into our first argument. I was recently in the hospital for a few days for an electrolyte and potassium deficiency that caused my heart rate to get really high and drop super low. I made the mistake of telling him while i was at work that my chest hurts and he told me i should be home where i then proceeded to tell him that my responsibilities dont stop just bc im anorexic and he said im nuts for working after being released 2 days ago and that my job can survive with out me and i told him i cant lose my job i did this to myself so i need to make up for it. Ik i need to take it easy but i have bills and cant rely on him to take care of me(im way too independent for my own good and refuse to ask for help and dont want his he has his own life). Long story short i told him that hes overwhelming me by being so pushy on recovering and that im trying but i feel like im disappointing him. Its not his problem but he said it is bc we’re in a relationship and i dont want him to take responsibility for what i did to myself. He also had issues a few years ago and is trying to prevent it from happening to me but i feel like it already has. I love him sm and i hate that he worries like this but hes my biggest supporter while im struggling with ana and i just feel so guilty.
3. I was officially diagnosed with anorexia a few days ago and while i knew i already had it i feel a sense of relief that its known so i can get the help i need but at the same time it really doesn’t change anything.
4. Im addicted to c/s and my episodes last for hours. Im stealing food from work and friends and buying it and honestly im kind of fed up but it saves me on days when the food noise is so bad that i cant sleep. My mom thinks im purging when she hears me clearing my throat so i dont swallow anything and i just let her believe it, i feel like she’d be more disgusted if she knew the truth.
5. I send pictures to friends and family of food that i make to c/s so they think im eating to keep up appearances that im trying to recover and i feel so bad when they say theyre proud but i hate that they worry so id rather give them false hope than tell them id rather X_X than eat food.
6. My mom asked me to give her an envelope with my bfs number in it when I inevitably passed. I just tell her I’m eating but she can tell I’m not gaining. It was a fun way to start my morning i was bawling my eyes out after she hung up the phone.

I don’t think i want to continue fighting this battle with ana. Recovery feels impossible no matter how hard i try. Its only been 8 months since i relapsed but ive been dealing with eating disorders for about 2 years which doesnt seem long compared to others who have been dealing with this for much longer and i feel pathetic. The last 8 months first started with bulimia and binge eating. I started to recover slightly and then i just went downhill from there i couldnt stop. I knew i was anorexic but wasnt diagnosed until a few days ago.
I heavily restrict myself and can barely keep water down im so tired of fighting this impossible battle and feel like accepting >!death!<. I dont want to put my family and friends through any more pain watching me deteriorate into nothing but i also cant live like this. Ive tried eating with my mom and talking it out/venting but i keep going back to my old ways. Im supposed to have an appointment with an eating disorder order clinic but i dont think i want the help anymore i feel like ill never get better. Food shouldnt feel scary but it is. Its terrifying, like something out of a nightmare you cant escape and lives in the back of your mind 24/7.

Ive lost a lot of weight and i should be happy it was healthy until it wasn’t. I used to eat at least one balanced meal to get in protein and now i cant bring myself to eat at all or drink water. Ill never look how i want to and i hate it sm. I wish i could just eat and be ok with it but i cant. Im too young to be stressing just about how i look but i cant help it theres so much more to life but this is the only thing that occupies my mind. I hate the way my ribs show and stick out from sucking in the majority of my life. Sometimes i have good days but todays been terrible and all i wanna do is starve. I have an appointment with a clinic in june and i have a feeling I’ll be put in inpatient. Ik i need the help i made the decision to get it but the thought of being forced to gain weight just terrifies me and im not ready. I feel so shut off from everything bc this keeps me going out with friends. I was gonna go to the pool with one of my friends later and was 100% ready to go and then i saw her and my self confidence completely disappeared. Everyones different but its hard not to compare yourself

Didnt taste like banana whatsoever i liked the frosting so points for that but no part of it screams banana bread which was so disappointing. Im wondering if it would be better after toasting. 2/10

Ive been super irritable and angry like every little thing sets me off and i hate it im such a joyful person and i wanna get back to normal and im wondering if not eating properly and just drinking water is causing that and if anyone else is dealing with this and if its a symptom of being malnourished