u/void223

I don't know if the comments I receive are based on racism but it's my immediate thought when I hear them. In 2 workplaces now, I've experienced someone being surprised by my intelligence. In the first, after solving an issue, a colleague said to me "you're actually smart". It's the "actually" that gets me, as if the default assumption was that I wasn't as intelligent as everyone else.

At my 2nd workplace, after creating a new resource for the team, my boss confided in me that someone had said to them "I didn't know she was smart". I think my boss thought I'd take it as a compliment, but honestly I felt a bit offended.

I've also had other colleagues talk down to me until management publicly talks about the quality of my work. Then it's like a switch flips and I'm suddenly treated like an equal.

Maybe I'm reading too deep into things, but I feel like it would be wrong to ignore how these comments feel in my body.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Several times a day, every day, I experience strong waves of shame or visual memories of when I was shamed by my mom. Despite living alone now, I get triggered so often because there were an incredible amount of things I was shamed for or that was picked on, like: the way I hold food, the amount of food I eat (too little or too much), the way i eat, the way I talk, the way I walk, the way I dance, the way my face looks, the way I dress, the way my hair looks, how long I take in the washroom, how long I take in the shower, the way I chop vegetables, how slow I am when doing my chores, my "incorrect" technique when washing dishes, my use of kleenex/paper towel/toilet paper, etc etc etc.

As I heal, I have moments where the absurdity of the abuse makes me stop what I'm doing to just shake my head and say what the fuck. Can't believe I experienced that, can't believe I once thought it was normal and deserved, can't believe I was once able to tolerate it. Crazy what our younger bodies and minds could withstand when there was no other choice.

I feel resentful that the deep insecurities I still grapple with today were intentionally programmed into me. I never feel comfortable in my being because every single way of being had been shamed. I hope to get better, starting with self-compassion, and gratitude that I'm no longer in that environment. All that's left to do is to uproot the poisonous inner critic that was planted in me.

If you were shamed by your parent(s), what were you shamed for?

I've long felt an emptiness that I know can't be filled with the typical go-to's (social connections, sex, drugs, alcohol, religion, meditation, therapy). I know the emptiness stems from depression and trauma. I rather not have an audience, or even worse, a critic present while I drag myself through this life. Yet so many people in my life think that's the answer. It surprises me, because I thought the feeling of being alone amongst your loved ones is something everyone has experienced before, at least once. For some of us, that feeling happens every time we're with others. So why would I want to sign up to feel that on a constant basis? I rather feel the pain of being physically alone.

Despite being an awkward person, I find it more uncomfortable to ignore someone who's in my direct line of sight and standing in front of me, rather than completely ignore them since they're a stranger. Obviously I don't greet absolutely everyone who meets that criteria, but for the times I do, it's something like a small smile or mouthing hello or a nod.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, and I know no one owes me anything, but I'm becoming more annoyed with times where I politely acknowledge someone and they make eye contact but just stare. No return of the half-smile or hello, or nod, or even avoidance of eye contact. They full on want me to know that they see (and presumably heard) me, and couldn't give a fuck. It feels icky. I rather be ignored altogether tbh lol.