u/walkerbait2

For the past four years my life just got worse and worse at every turn.

I’ve decided to just say fuck it, fuck the chronic illness, the delusions, fuck everything I can’t control.

So I’m running away, I’m escaping all of this just for a bit while I still can. I’ve got a flight in two days to another country, I’m deleting all my socials, and I will be ‘dead’ for two months.

I hope to return as a brighter person without having to carry the weight of everything.

Did anyone else do this? Would you mind sharing your reasons?

For me, the living cost in Cambridge is wayyy too high, along with tuition fees, and I don't want to be a financial burden to my parents, or actually, to my future self. Our household income is low, but not low enough to get a scholarship there. I'm from Scotland, so tuition is home funded at StA, and I'm applying for the accom student loan too.

I know there's a big gap between StA and Cambridge prestige-wise, but I've genuinely lost faith in education and the meritocracy bullshit. I've won a lot of prestigious awards at various elite institutions, and it all feels so incredibly corrupt and hypocritical, especially with the bloody word “talent” - there are talented people EVERYWHERE, but it’s all twisted by wealth. Honestly, I just want to have fun at university without the constant feeling of being indebted and this resentment. I'm doing econ, the job marketplace is fucked in a few years anyway, so I'm just going to network my way into wherever I end up. After all, it's just wealth and connections doing the heavy lifting, isn't it?

Sorry for the rant. What do you think?

Like no the fuck it ain’t. Especially because they don’t even know what sort of complex ass situation I’m in. It’s dismissive as hell. But that’s probably just the default comfort phrase, not their fault.

What made you choose one over the other

Everytime I’m alone with my father I feel like there’s a lump in my throat, I don’t know why. There’s always this awkward tension, and I feel like I’m watching a stranger talk and eat in front of me. I’m so desperate to leave the room, and when I do, I just cry. Why? Anyone else feel like this?

I feel bad after leaving him alone, but I really cant face it it’s like there’s something in the air that just makes me want to rip my skin off.

Maybe I’ve deliberately forgotten some stuff but I need to make sense of this.

I need perspective.

Whether it was from a memory, a person, an identity, illness, loss, or insecurity…

How did you let go of the past and allow yourself to move on?

How did you throw it all behind you without it coming back to ever haunt you again, every waking moment?

Sorry for ambiguous question- interpret however you want.

This is an appreciation post.

For those who don’t know, Rachmaninov was a Russian composer and pianist. For me, his music will forever be intertwined with Dostoevsky

When I was 14, I developed a chronic illness so severe I had to stay home for months. So I began reading crime & punishment, for hours on end, with Rachmaninov’s concertos playing as my ‘musical counterpart’. It was a messy, feverish crash into existential dread for my very first time.

His music is so tragically beautiful, it aligns so well with the tinge of sentimentality in raskolnikov’s grim life. It really did comfort me. I used to play the piano too, but the illness stopped me from performing for years. I mourned through more novels, more concertos, and I just couldn’t stop crying because somehow they made loss feel both painful and strangely sacred. I guess Dostoevsky just has a way of doing that. His books got me through my darkest times, and I’m grateful for that. (he isn’t quite as bleak as camus and kafka)

I love listening to the music from the movie and from hogwarts legacy, it feel so magical as a study backtrack. Do you know any others? Like lord of the rings, hobbit…

I crashed into nihilism after binge reading every Dostoevsky novel. ESPECIALLY Crime and Punishment. I know Dostoevsky had faith in God but the way he wrote his books just made me feel hopeless about people and life.

Y’all read any Dostoevsky books that made you feel morally, spiritually, existentially forlorn?

This is more of an observation, rather than a proposal. I’d like to welcome any input (especially from young people).

I’m in my last year of high school (public), and I’ve noticed that over the years kids have become less, if not hardly reliant on teachers.

First of all, the education system is too rigid. It cannot calibrate to each individual’s subjective learning methods.

Second, I’ve noticed that many people don’t (bother to) learn anything at all during semesters and will instead cram study right before final exams. I do this too, and it feels much more productive to self-teach on my own terms/schedules, rather than sit in a classroom to watch teachers read off the board.

This is not, by any means, a personal insult to teachers and institutions. School has just increasingly become a waste of time for me. In fact, I only go to school once or twice a week to socialise, and I’ve been doing this for the past two years. Self teaching has resulted in my obtaining top grades in the nation, simply because there is a plethora of free resources available online.

I fail to see the purpose of the legal obligation to attend school at all, for older students. Does anyone else feel this way?

I think, most people, if not everyone, has been subject to some level of mental trauma. It isn’t just from assault, injury, or loss… it might be chronic illness, loneliness, addiction, or simply growing up in an unstable household.

So instead of seeing hardship as an injury, an easy label of “trauma” that marks us and excuses our actions to some extent, what if we saw it simply as a natural part of life? Something to be overcome, without a special category that softens accountability.

Suffering is guaranteed, to some more than others. Maybe your job is to just carry it without letting it justify harm to others, or let it become anything special. Because you are already special - a complex and unique product of cause and effect.

Is it possible to adopt that framing?

Those who have lost someone dear - to illness, death, addiction, or distance… What did you think about in the darkest times to keep you going?

Four months ago, I lost the one person I loved most in this world. I’m only now reaching the end of denial.

It's so hard to make (and take) a joke nowadays. Everyone turns everything political or personal, and we can't even have a normal debate without it becoming hostile. I swear it wasn't always like this, people are increasingly identifying with every opinion so that any counterargument becomes a serious threat to their goddamn way of life.

We never try to understand why some people have opinions different from the rest of us. We just automatically persecute them. Over time, people become terrified to even express their thoughts freely because it's a constant minefield with words. We've become so polarised that any mistake could obliterate one's entire reputation.

When did words begin to carry so much weight? It feels like we are desperately trying to grasp onto something to hate, or better yet, to hate all together.