u/wastededamame

Advice needed: Need advice on lies in a marriage.

TLDR: He’s making it seem like it’s all no big deal and I’m the crazy person. Are these omissions acceptable to others? Edit to say he’s making this all about the fact that I violated his boundaries by reading his text messages and looking at this phone.

Summary:
I’d like to preface this whole conversation with the fact that my husband is a great guy and is always trying to help people. When we are good, which is a good chunk of the time we are great. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10 next week. He’s 39 and I’m 37, I was further along in school and career in our younger years because he took some time to figure himself out, party, do the enjoy life thing. But now, we are decently similar career wise. I maybe make 2x what he does, but everything has always gone into one account and there’s no issues with that or anything. I travel a couple times a month for my job and work out consistently, he travels occasionally but we are both in a demanding field and work a lot. My husband has had adhd his whole life, depression, and his dad had bipolar/other things and while my husband has never been diagnosed, I can see some episodes of mania. We have a beautiful young daughter who is likely on the spectrum so she has been a bit challenging. I know I’ve made chooses in the past he is unhappy with like having my mom in the surgery room for my c section instead of him bc pandemic only allowed for 1 in the room and he wasn’t particularly supportive during our pregnancy so mom was with me until the birth happened and she knew I wasn’t going to die, and then swapped with my husband.

So recently, he’s been having a lot of verbal outbursts, getting angry at everything. Again, work is stressful and he is older than some folks at his level because he was a little delayed in starting his career and I think it kills his ego with our wage gap even though he’s never come out and said it. I’ve become a bit untrusting towards him and started snooping. Between the snooping and him telling me things, I’ve found out that he has had guns in the home for 7 years without telling me, he has been on adderall and downloads apps and deletes them so I don’t find out when he’s getting his prescription and most recently, he’s decided to co-sign for our nieces student loans without telling me. Other weird things I’ve found out he’s been lying about. He has pushed his father not living with us as my fault - his father requires round the clock nurse and medical care and is no longer mobile. He struggles to even help me with our daughter before work and I do most of the back and forth to school and bedtime etc because he struggles with multitasking. He also gets upset that I work out in the AM because he dosent want to have to wake up and be alert for our child, telling me I should just work out at home. With him, things seem to be a moving goalpost and things are always my fault. Our daughters issues etc are my fault for not doing enough.

When I confronted him on the loans and not consulting me(seems everyone in his family knew, and he didn’t bother to disclose to me though everything in our finances is combined), I said that it’s kool if he wants to do that but I should have the agency to financially separate accounts etc and hedge my risks, he flipped out as he has been, threw a drink at me and lots of mean words. He apologizes the next day for the yelling and admits the adderall use etc. says he’s going to change but when I don’t immediately give in he continues to flip out and of course shows that he never intended to do the work on fixing himself that he claimed he would.

For the record - I would have been more than happy to help our neice but in the right way - ie, have her take the loans out and then we help her pay when she graduates. The issue isn’t the money, it’s the lack of bringing your partner into the discussion. Even if we didnt agree and he ultimately chose to do it, I’d feel better knowing he told me. He thinks that we have different “value systems” and I’m selfish even though I’ve been an active financial and time participant in all our neices and nephews lives. I do think he tries to play the hero complex thing esp when things aren’t going well in other aspects of his life.

I don’t want to make this seem one sided. I am 100% an intense person, im a stubborn only child, and can be rigid at times and so in no way am i saying this is all a him thing. I am probably not as outwardly generous as he is willing to just sign on things without thinking through the implications and I also am probably a lot more direct and headstrong than him so again I know this is not all on him.

But, im just not sure that anything going on is okay and need some help on how others would see this situation because many of my friends aren’t married.

Advice needed: Need advice on lies in a marriage.

TLDR: He’s making it seem like it’s all no big deal and I’m the crazy person. Are these omissions acceptable to others? Edit to say he’s making this all about the fact that I violated his boundaries by reading his text messages and looking at this phone.

Summary:
I’d like to preface this whole conversation with the fact that my husband is a great guy and is always trying to help people. When we are good, which is a good chunk of the time we are great. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10 next week. He’s 39 and I’m 37, I was further along in school and career in our younger years because he took some time to figure himself out, party, do the enjoy life thing. But now, we are decently similar career wise. I maybe make 2x what he does, but everything has always gone into one account and there’s no issues with that or anything. I travel a couple times a month for my job and work out consistently, he travels occasionally but we are both in a demanding field and work a lot. My husband has had adhd his whole life, depression, and his dad had bipolar/other things and while my husband has never been diagnosed, I can see some episodes of mania. We have a beautiful young daughter who is likely on the spectrum so she has been a bit challenging.

So recently, he’s been having a lot of verbal outbursts, getting angry at everything. Again, work is stressful and he is older than some folks at his level because he was a little delayed in starting his career and I think it kills his ego with our wage gap even though he’s never come out and said it. I’ve become a bit untrusting towards him and started snooping. Between the snooping and him telling me things, I’ve found out that he has had guns in the home for 7 years without telling me, he has been on adderall and downloads apps and deletes them so I don’t find out when he’s getting his prescription and most recently, he’s decided to co-sign for our nieces student loans without telling me. Other weird things I’ve found out he’s been lying about. He has pushed his father not living with us as my fault - his father requires round the clock nurse and medical care and is no longer mobile. He struggles to even help me with our daughter before work and I do most of the back and forth to school and bedtime etc because he struggles with multitasking. He also gets upset that I work out in the AM because he dosent want to have to wake up and be alert for our child, telling me I should just work out at home. With him, things seem to be a moving goalpost and things are always my fault. Our daughters issues etc are my fault for not doing enough.

When I confronted him on the loans and not consulting me(seems everyone in his family knew, and he didn’t bother to disclose to me though everything in our finances is combined), I said that it’s kool if he wants to do that but I should have the agency to financially separate accounts etc and hedge my risks, he flipped out as he has been, threw a drink at me and lots of mean words. He apologizes the next day for the yelling and admits the adderall use etc. says he’s going to change but when I don’t immediately give in he continues to flip out and of course shows that he never intended to do the work on fixing himself that he claimed he would.

For the record - I would have been more than happy to help our neice but in the right way - ie, have her take the loans out and then we help her pay when she graduates. The issue isn’t the money, it’s the lack of bringing your partner into the discussion. Even if we didnt agree and he ultimately chose to do it, I’d feel better knowing he told me. He thinks that we have different “value systems” and I’m selfish even though I’ve been an active financial and time participant in all our neices and nephews lives. I do think he tries to play the hero complex thing esp when things aren’t going well in other aspects of his life.

I don’t want to make this seem one sided. I am 100% an intense person, im a stubborn only child, and can be rigid at times and so in no way am i saying this is all a him thing. I am probably not as outwardly generous as he is willing to just sign on things without thinking through the implications and I also am probably a lot more direct and headstrong than him so again I know this is not all on him.

But, im just not sure that anything going on is okay and need some help on how others would see this situation because many of my friends aren’t married.

Advice needed: Need advice on lies in a marriage.

TLDR: He’s making it seem like it’s all no big deal and I’m the crazy person. Are these omissions acceptable to others? Edit to say he’s making this all about the fact that I violated his boundaries by reading his text messages and looking at this phone.

Summary:
I’d like to preface this whole conversation with the fact that my husband is a great guy and is always trying to help people. When we are good, which is a good chunk of the time we are great. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10 next week. He’s 39 and I’m 37, I was further along in school and career in our younger years because he took some time to figure himself out, party, do the enjoy life thing. But now, we are decently similar career wise. I maybe make 2x what he does, but everything has always gone into one account and there’s no issues with that or anything. I travel a couple times a month for my job and work out consistently, he travels occasionally but we are both in a demanding field and work a lot. My husband has had adhd his whole life, depression, and his dad had bipolar/other things and while my husband has never been diagnosed, I can see some episodes of mania. We have a beautiful young daughter who is likely on the spectrum so she has been a bit challenging.

So recently, he’s been having a lot of verbal outbursts, getting angry at everything. Again, work is stressful and he is older than some folks at his level because he was a little delayed in starting his career and I think it kills his ego with our wage gap even though he’s never come out and said it. I’ve become a bit untrusting towards him and started snooping. Between the snooping and him telling me things, I’ve found out that he has had guns in the home for 7 years without telling me, he has been on adderall and downloads apps and deletes them so I don’t find out when he’s getting his prescription and most recently, he’s decided to co-sign for our nieces student loans without telling me. Other weird things I’ve found out he’s been lying about. He has pushed his father not living with us as my fault - his father requires round the clock nurse and medical care and is no longer mobile. He struggles to even help me with our daughter before work and I do most of the back and forth to school and bedtime etc because he struggles with multitasking. He also gets upset that I work out in the AM because he dosent want to have to wake up and be alert for our child, telling me I should just work out at home. With him, things seem to be a moving goalpost and things are always my fault. Our daughters issues etc are my fault for not doing enough.

When I confronted him on the loans and not consulting me(seems everyone in his family knew, and he didn’t bother to disclose to me though everything in our finances is combined), I said that it’s kool if he wants to do that but I should have the agency to financially separate accounts etc and hedge my risks, he flipped out as he has been, threw a drink at me and lots of mean words. He apologizes the next day for the yelling and admits the adderall use etc. says he’s going to change but when I don’t immediately give in he continues to flip out and of course shows that he never intended to do the work on fixing himself that he claimed he would.

For the record - I would have been more than happy to help our neice but in the right way - ie, have her take the loans out and then we help her pay when she graduates. The issue isn’t the money, it’s the lack of bringing your partner into the discussion. Even if we didnt agree and he ultimately chose to do it, I’d feel better knowing he told me. He thinks that we have different “value systems” and I’m selfish even though I’ve been an active financial and time participant in all our neices and nephews lives. I do think he tries to play the hero complex thing esp when things aren’t going well in other aspects of his life.

I don’t want to make this seem one sided. I am 100% an intense person, im a stubborn only child, and can be rigid at times and so in no way am i saying this is all a him thing. I am probably not as outwardly generous as he is willing to just sign on things without thinking through the implications and I also am probably a lot more direct and headstrong than him so again I know this is not all on him.

But, im just not sure that anything going on is okay and need some help on how others would see this situation because many of my friends aren’t married.

Advice needed: Need advice on lies in a marriage.

TLDR: He’s making it seem like it’s all no big deal and I’m the crazy person. Are these omissions acceptable to others?

Summary:
I’d like to preface this whole conversation with the fact that my husband is a great guy and is always trying to help people. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10 next week. He’s 39 and I’m 37, I was further along in school and career in our younger years because he took some time to figure himself out, party, do the enjoy life thing. But now, we are decently similar career wise. I maybe make 2x what he does, but everything has always gone into one account and there’s no issues with that or anything. I travel a couple times a month for my job and work out consistently, he travels occasionally but we are both in a demanding field and work a lot. My husband has had adhd his whole life, depression, and his dad had bipolar/other things and while my husband has never been diagnosed, I can see some episodes of mania. We have a beautiful young daughter who is likely on the spectrum so she has been a bit challenging.

So recently, he’s been having a lot of verbal outbursts, getting angry at everything. Again, work is stressful and he is older than some folks at his level because he was a little delayed in starting his career and I think it kills his ego with our wage gap even though he’s never come out and said it. I’ve become a bit untrusting towards him and started snooping. Between the snooping and him telling me things, I’ve found out that he has had guns in the home for 7 years without telling me, he has been on adderall and downloads apps and deletes them so I don’t find out when he’s getting his prescription and most recently, he’s decided to co-sign for our nieces student loans without telling me. Other weird things I’ve found out he’s been lying about. He has pushed his father not living with us as my fault - his father requires round the clock nurse and medical care and is no longer mobile. He struggles to even help me with our daughter before work and I do most of the back and forth to school and bedtime etc because he struggles with multitasking. He also gets upset that I work out in the AM because he dosent want to have to wake up and be alert for our child, telling me I should just work out at home. With him, things seem to be a moving goalpost and things are always my fault. Our daughters issues etc are my fault for not doing enough.

When I confronted him on the loans and not consulting me(seems everyone in his family knew, and he didn’t bother to disclose to me though everything in our finances is combined), I said that it’s kool if he wants to do that but I should have the agency to financially separate accounts etc and hedge my risks, he flipped out as he has been, threw a drink at me and lots of mean words. He apologizes the next day for the yelling and admits the adderall use etc. says he’s going to change but when I don’t immediately give in he continues to flip out and of course shows that he never intended to do the work on fixing himself that he claimed he would.

For the record - I would have been more than happy to help our neice but in the right way - ie, have her take the loans out and then we help her pay when she graduates. The issue isn’t the money, it’s the lack of bringing your partner into the discussion. Even if we didnt agree and he ultimately chose to do it, I’d feel better knowing he told me. He thinks that we have different “value systems” and I’m selfish even though I’ve been an active financial and time participant in all our neices and nephews lives. I do think he tries to play the hero complex thing esp when things aren’t going well in other aspects of his life.

I don’t want to make this seem one sided. I am 100% an intense person, im a stubborn only child, and can be rigid at times and so in no way am i saying this is all a him thing.

But, im just not sure that anything going on is okay and need some help on how others would see this situation because many of my friends aren’t married.

Advice needed: Need advice on lies in a marriage.

TLDR: He’s making it seem like it’s all no big deal and I’m the crazy person. Are these omissions acceptable to others?

Summary:
I’d like to preface this whole conversation with the fact that my husband is a great guy and is always trying to help people. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10 next week. He’s 39 and I’m 37, I was further along in school and career in our younger years because he took some time to figure himself out, party, do the enjoy life thing. But now, we are decently similar career wise. I maybe make 2x what he does, but everything has always gone into one account and there’s no issues with that or anything. I travel a couple times a month for my job and work out consistently, he travels occasionally but we are both in a demanding field and work a lot. My husband has had adhd his whole life, depression, and his dad had bipolar/other things and while my husband has never been diagnosed, I can see some episodes of mania. We have a beautiful young daughter who is likely on the spectrum so she has been a bit challenging.

So recently, he’s been having a lot of verbal outbursts, getting angry at everything. Again, work is stressful and he is older than some folks at his level because he was a little delayed in starting his career and I think it kills his ego with our wage gap even though he’s never come out and said it. I’ve become a bit untrusting towards him and started snooping. Between the snooping and him telling me things, I’ve found out that he has had guns in the home for 7 years without telling me, he has been on adderall and downloads apps and deletes them so I don’t find out when he’s getting his prescription and most recently, he’s decided to co-sign for our nieces student loans without telling me. Other weird things I’ve found out he’s been lying about. He has pushed his father not living with us as my fault - his father requires round the clock nurse and medical care and is no longer mobile. He struggles to even help me with our daughter before work and I do most of the back and forth to school and bedtime etc because he struggles with multitasking. He also gets upset that I work out in the AM because he dosent want to have to wake up and be alert for our child, telling me I should just work out at home. With him, things seem to be a moving goalpost and things are always my fault. Our daughters issues etc are my fault for not doing enough.

When I confronted him on the loans and not consulting me(seems everyone in his family knew, and he didn’t bother to disclose to me though everything in our finances is combined), I said that it’s kool if he wants to do that but I should have the agency to financially separate accounts etc and hedge my risks, he flipped out as he has been, threw a drink at me and lots of mean words. He apologizes the next day for the yelling and admits the adderall use etc. says he’s going to change but when I don’t immediately give in he continues to flip out and of course shows that he never intended to do the work on fixing himself that he claimed he would.

For the record - I would have been more than happy to help our neice but in the right way - ie, have her take the loans out and then we help her pay when she graduates. The issue isn’t the money, it’s the lack of bringing your partner into the discussion. Even if we didnt agree and he ultimately chose to do it, I’d feel better knowing he told me. He thinks that we have different “value systems” and I’m selfish even though I’ve been an active financial and time participant in all our neices and nephews lives. I do think he tries to play the hero complex thing esp when things aren’t going well in other aspects of his life.

I don’t want to make this seem one sided. I am 100% an intense person, im a stubborn only child, and can be rigid at times and so in no way am i saying this is all a him thing.

But, im just not sure that anything going on is okay and need some help on how others would see this situation because many of my friends aren’t married.