I just want to be curled up on the couch with you watching one of your favorite f#*%ed up movies. In the dark. Some popcorn. Just completely relaxed in the moment enjoying just being with you. Mmm maybe one of these days. Just say the word.
Hey yooou,
Whata day it has been. Really whata week. Is the world on fire? Did I miss the memo? It has been I know but manoman I’ve been feelin its burn. Today I wish I was anywhere but here tbh. Somewhere quite. Maybe in a cabin, deep in the woods, next to a cool pond listening to the rain hit its surface while rocking in a chair on the porch. Not in this over stimulated mess of a city that has been lighting off fireworks since 9am. Dealing with it and what else it freaks out in my place of dwelling has me over today. Honestly, if I could find a place to scream, that would be ideal right about now. Life has made that a feeling that needs to surface. Every point in my life has come to needing to scream. The overwhelm. I don’t think I’ve screamed since I was like a teen. Hah. I guess it’s been buried. If you want to know ask, otherwise I will not burden you with it right now while the space is being given for you to figure out you.
This space here just feels nice to let out random words to you into this void to be mixed in with the world’s words. What I want to tell you I do, eventually. I just prefer the in person experience ya know. Until then this is a release of processing thoughts if you will. Who knows if you are here, or there, or no where at all. I truly don’t. So I just sent these out like a paper air plane taking flight.
I hope the day has been kind to you. I hope your mind has been too. Love you.
My emotions have always been a deep, swirling ocean. Like the tide, they ebb and flow. Some arrive as towering waves before settling back into stillness. Others run so deep that even I have yet to fully explore them.
You may look at the surface and think you understand. After all, who hasn’t learned about the ocean? Who hasn’t felt water in some form?
But knowing water is not the same as knowing the ocean.
We can study it, map it, and stand at its shore, yet we will never fully know all that it holds.
So question it.
Explore it.
Be patient with it.
The ocean is strong, vast, deep, and open. It is far more complicated than it appears on the surface. What looks like a wave from above may be a riptide underneath. What seems calm may hide currents powerful enough to reshape everything in their path.
You may sail my surface any day, but would you be brave enough to dive in?
To explore the depths?
To understand what has lived beneath the waves?
To learn what shaped the currents, what storms have passed through, and what still rests quietly on the ocean floor?
To ask the questions you’ve always wondered, rather than assuming you already know the answers?
Because clarity is not found by sitting on the shore.
It is found by being willing to dive in.
Just so you know,
There is a hall that hangs the photographs of the people my heart has given pieces of itself to, and one section is labeled “Exes.” It’s dusty. I rarely visit, but I’ve come back to show you around. Over time, the photos begin to wear away until pieces of mirrors start to shine through. Some still have sharp shards poking out, pieces I must have missed. Every now and then I go back and break them off before they can cut me again.
I don’t remember the details of their faces, and I don’t go looking. I’ve locked the doors where the photos reside, and what is left are fragments of reflection.
When I think of them, I think of who I was with them, and that is who I mourn. I don’t mourn the relationship, and I do not miss them. I miss the piece of me they took. I miss the me before them, the me you never got to know.
Before it hardened.
Before it broke.
Before rocks were added to my backpack.
There was a version of me who trusted wholeheartedly, who took every chance to dance in the rain, who carried the energy of a thousand suns. Outspoken. Fearless. Full of life.
They are still in there, just a little harder to find,fragmented. Hidden behind a few walls. More cautious. Slower to surface.
So when I talk about my past, know that the sadness you see is not for them, and the longing is not for them. It is for the pieces of me you may never fully see and know, the pieces of me I used to love that became shattered because I gave them to people who did not know how to hold me.
My life has been chaos recently. Honestly probably the best time to take away from me. I’d take it too if I could. Hah. Though within it all I have come with new changes I think will be good? Not so much pressure one might say. I hit a breaking point today and with those come new ideas because I’m not one to wallow in self pity for too long. Within it all, in all the chaos I kept thinking of you, and the memories we have made. They make me smile. They make me wish I could be there again, kind of a happy sad pain. If you get what I mean. Because I’m here and you’re there and we are here. I just have to trust in the process of whatever that unknown space is. The between. I know what I want. I have known this whole time. To make memories and grow old with you. Yup. Does it need to be complicated? I feel like life is complicated enough, I really don’t want us to be. I just really want to be your person to lean on, to come to, to laugh with and then some.
I have found I have to break to fly.
A lot of people refer to this using analogies such as a Phoenix being reborn from the ash, others a lotus flower traveling up and blooming from the murky mud.
For me it’s a bit more detailed.
It feels like getting lost in a dark forest, screaming, crying, taking my fists to the ground to pound while looking up at the sky and exclaiming “WHYY DOES IT ALWAYS END UP THIS WAY?!” Only to start to feel rain come down and splash upon my face, melting with my tears.
That is the moment breaking free hits me. A deep breath, the smell of the wet dirt, the vivid colors of the soaked flora, the cleansing sensation of rain rolling down my skin. Time stands still, the fog settles in. All that matters is myself and what is in front of me. One foot in front of the other I move forward, the only way to move if you want to find your way out of despair.
The clarity that is found in the mind amongst being in the fog. Allowing only what is needed to be seen and to matter, that as I move the rest will slowly come into view. To trust each step, to trust myself that I will find my way.
With each movement brings a little burst of sunshine through the clouds because it can’t rain forever, even in the darkest places sun can still find its way in.
I have found I have to break to fly.
A lot of people refer to this using analogies such as a Phoenix being reborn from the ash, others a lotus flower traveling up and blooming from the murky mud.
For me it’s a bit more detailed.
It feels like getting lost in a dark forest, screaming, crying, taking my fists to the ground to pound while looking up at the sky and exclaiming “WHYY DOES IT ALWAYS END UP THIS WAY?!” Only to start to feel rain come down and splash upon my face, melting with my tears.
That is the moment breaking free hits me. A deep breath, the smell of the wet dirt, the vivid colors of the soaked flora, the cleansing sensation of rain rolling down my skin. Time stands still, the fog settles in. All that matters is myself and what is in front of me. One foot in front of the other I move forward, the only way to move if you want to find your way out of despair.
The clarity that is found in the mind amongst being in the fog. Allowing only what is needed to be seen and to matter, that as I move the rest will slowly come into view. To trust each step, to trust myself that I will find my way.
With each movement brings a little burst of sunshine through the clouds because it can’t rain forever, even in the darkest places sun can still find its way in.
I hoped you were here writing about love.
You cannot be found.
I hoped you felt as strongly as I did about us.
I felt the turn away.
I hoped that we would get to spend so many more moments together making memories.
I don’t even know if I’ll get one more day.
I have always been one who has been full of hope and dreams.
Now they just seem so silly to me.
Who am I to believe when nothing is in front of me.
Maybe that’s why I always have.
Every human judges, whether we want to or not. It’s human nature. What matters is what voice you choose to follow. The first reaction is often automatic. The second is intentional. The first tells you what you’ve learned. The second reveals what you believe.
Which one do you listen to?
Your mind will do anything to keep you safe, even sacrifice your happiness. So do things scared.
Life feels like a dream state lately. Some days feel more like nightmares while others feel like floating on clouds.
I think this is the first time I don’t have a definite direction or plan. I also think this is the first time I’m not following someone else’s blueprint.
I finally let my true self ask questions to you, not restrained. It felt nice to breathe again. Those are the conversations I’ve been wanting to have from the start. The type of relationship I’ve been wanting to have with you.
You stayed in it with me while we both took turns being vulnerable, staying in the discomfort, but allowing ourselves to be seen. Who you are keeps unfolding in my mind, it’s a beautiful thing I am so honored to witness.
There is something about you that makes time melt away, makes the day not feel heavy, like life can be just right whether we are just wrapped on the couch or getting lost on adventure.
This is only one side of the story. I’m still learning yours and how you feel in all of this. I know what I feel for you is genuine love. I’m still learning how to be more vulnerable in actually saying it.
I look at a photo of you, and my heart breaks. How I wish things could have gone differently.
I wish I could have held you tight through the dark nights and the storms and soothed you to sleep. I wish I could have been the one to listen to your passionate ideas, so full of life, and the one to cheer you on through them.
I wish I could have been the one who, after a long day, sat on the bed with you and talked about the roller coasters of life. I would have been the one to run after you when you got upset, hold you tight, and let your tears flow. I think about the many adventures we could have gone on and the countless amazing ideas that brain of yours holds.
I would have looked at you with a twinkle in my eyes, carrying the unconditional love I have for every little piece that makes you who you are. All of your muchness. The crazy clothes. The wild ideas. The laughter over nothing. The passionate tangents. The intense empathy that knows no bounds.
You are such an amazing, beautiful human. Maybe no one ever told you that. I wish I had been there so I could.
As I look down at the photo, I realize I am looking at myself as a child. I was there, but no one was there for me.
The crickets chirp in the spaces we leave between. I lie here and wonder if it’s your guard creating the distance out of fear that I may have changed, that I may not be the same or act the same this time. I know mine keeps trying. I keep doing the opposite. Until today. I was too tired today, and I let it win this round.
You are right. I’m not the same. We are all forever changing. My feelings for you, though, are like a heavy rock in a stream, unmovable. Through distance, silence, words unspoken, and uncertainty, here I lie with the same fire I have felt for you since day one.
I want to be wrapped in your arms and look at that smile across your face as you say, “Whaat?” while I stare into your eyes with all the words that get stuck in my throat. I want to comb my fingers through your hair as you tell me about your life since we last met. I want to go on random adventures that I have a lifetime to get through with you.
I want to continue getting to know you. To listen, learn, stand beside you, and be there for you.
I love you. I am always missing you.
Why heeellloooo thereeee pewpew,
“ I hear it calling outside my window…this is going to be the best day of my liiiiifeee”
That’s the song that’s playing in the back ground.
What’s the nickname? Idk I just made it up.
How’s your morning going? Learning any new words today that Mr. Google had to help you with?
Today feels like a weird day, it’s felt like a weird week.
Honestly I miss seeing your face in it.
Did you know just seeing it would make my day brighter? Isn’t that crazy. Wild stuff. Truth.
You just do that to me peeew.
Feeling a lil hollow lately. Maybe I always am?
Hmmm. Thoughts.
Anywhose its cheeze itz
Just writing to say have a supburbious dayo! Even if I may be the last thought on your mind. Perhaps. Who knows.
I don’t.
You are always the first on mine.
Miss. You. Always.
Tadala fo now!
Well hellooo you,
What are you up to? What did you eat today? Hope you are eating alright and your body isn’t putting up a fight.
I think of about a handful of questions I want to ask you each day and they leave my brain the moment I go to text you to make conversation.
It’s like the universe enjoys the sound of crickets.
Maybe one was “did you ever play with ant hills as a child?” Or “ would you prefer to be stuck in a submarine or a rocket?”
Pointless. Yes. But any reason to talk to you.
Maybe I’ll see you soon
One can hope.
Always. Missing. You.
Heey yoou,
I just wanted to say I miss you…every single day. I want to know when I’ll get to see you, kiss you and see my favorite smile again. I miss seeing jt as often as I use too. It aches a little when I think about it.
I’m just leaving this here unsent and unread because I know saying it feels burdensome when circumstances keep things limited.
Have a goodnight, wish upon a star tonight.
I’ve read a lot of letters about how someone wants to reach out and put a wedge into the relationship of the person they have fallen for but that person is taken.
This is just some of the lessons I’ve learned in my life about moving on from that feeling.
If I were to say I was a better match for someone than the person they’re with, that would make me selfish and not actually caring for the person I claim to love. Fight me on this if you want, but make it to the end first.
If I were truly in love with this person, I would want what’s best for them. It’s always good to think highly of yourself, yes, but at the same time, you aren’t the perfect cup of tea for everyone, even for the people you love. Everyone has flaws, and it’s easy to find flaws in the person they’re with because you’re looking for failure where you believe you would soar.
The thing is, you don’t know how they connect on a deeper level. You don’t know how they talk behind closed doors. You don’t know how they communicate without words. You only know what you see, what they choose to share with you, and what your own warped, biased perception allows you to see.
If you truly love someone, you would ask: Are you happy? Do they make you happy? Do they make you feel safe? Can you be yourself when you’re with them?
If the answer is yes to those questions and perhaps many more, then let them fly free.
Just because you wouldn’t have that type of relationship, date that person, or understand that dynamic doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It simply means it’s not for you, and that’s okay because it isn’t yours to have.
So wish them happiness and move forward with your life. Let yourself find someone who meets you on those levels. There is someone out there who is not the one who doesn’t see you the same way. There is someone who does and always will.
Go find them.
I miss your voice and the little jokes you tell to make me smile. I miss catching your eye with a sideways glance and sharing a quiet laugh because no words need to be spoken. I miss the feeling of wanting to kiss you in the most mundane moments simply because I’m so happy to be spending them with you.
I miss holding you in a way I’ve never held anyone else. I miss listening to your heartbeat when I rest my head on your chest. I miss how we forget time exists when we’re together.
I always thought I was good at distance. For so long, I believed I was.
But I’ve realized that was only because I’d never had to go without you.
They were never you.
And that makes all the difference.
Have you ever heard of a double bind in the brain created by your inner critic? What the inside of my brain feels like most days:
Step right up, ladies, gents, and everything in between! Come on in and see the Inner Critic at work under the big top!
Watch as it tries to work itself out of the double bind. Will it be assertive and blow up everything it has ever known by speaking its truth? Or will it self-abandon, shrink smaller than a pea, and never achieve anything?
Watch as it squirms in pain either way. Will it change, or will it stay the same? Place your bets!
What we do know is that the Inner Critic likes to keep itself safe and will sabotage happiness to stay there, no matter the cost.
Buy some tomatoes to throw at the end of its final act to help the shame really sink in as it hurls its own vile words at itself!
Marvel at the Amazing Mind Reader! It knows exactly what everyone is thinking without a shred of evidence!
Gasp at the Great Fortune Teller! Predicting rejection before the conversation has even happened!
Behold the Human Shame Cannon! Launching insults at itself and calling it protection!
And now, for the grand finale: the critic creates the show, sells the tickets, narrates the catastrophe, and then hands the audience ammunition to throw at the performer.
The only problem? The performer and the critic are the same person.
Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately tonight’s performance has been canceled. The performer has decided to go live a life instead. Refunds are available at the door.
The critic will undoubtedly protest. It will call this reckless, irresponsible, and dangerous.
But that’s only because the show cannot continue without its star attraction.
Every time my mind tries to assume what you’re thinking or what is happening, I am going to let it float out into the ether.
I have no control over it. I have no solid proof of what you’re thinking or feeling. So why am I allowing myself to feel fragile because of it?
All I truly know is me. I know my intentions. I know my actions.
I know how I show up.
I need to stay grounded in that.