u/whatshouldidohoney

My (f21) boyfriend (31m) has made a comment about my lifestyle and my future that really brushed me the wrong way.

I have recently moved out to US from overseas with a work and travel program for students. I’ve been experiencing a lot of hard time adapting to this new environment. I am a big visionary so I do see this experience as a way to expand my experience in this world and achieve better things for myself and others. This feeling has been crystallised in the past few weeks because of the tremendous shift from one place to another and the struggles that came with it.

On our recent phone calls with my boyfriend who is at home I’ve been expressing some of my struggles and he has repeatedly mentioned how coming here was a bad idea (knowing that I cannot go back without making some money at least to cover the debt I got into in order to come here). I would’ve understood and seen it as neutral if he did not imply that this is something that people that waste their lives do, that I will turn out being older and hating my younger self for making such decisions (his own words).

It really bothered me so I tried drawing a boundary and letting him know that this experience should not be disqualified in that manner because regardless of the struggles, I am also learning a lot of new things about myself and the way I see the world. I also mentioned that this experience has helped me with building more confidence and being more hopeful about my ability to create great things about my life though they’re not crystal clear yet.

After this, he looked really annoyed with the things that I was saying and said that “I should enjoy it while it lasts because once I’m back home, I’ll go back to Zero.”

I am struggling to see it as a good-willed comment. Am I taking it too seriously? Could you please share some perspective?

I am currently in an unstable relationship (read my last post as an instance of its dysfunction) and am planning to leave to a whole new country for a few months (not because of the relationship). I partly want to break up with him now since things have not been going well at all. But partly, I just want to vanish from his life and not even tell him anything so I won’t have to deal with the aftermath of a breakup right before I leave to a different place.

I have to admit part of the reason I want to withdraw like this is because he is really avoidant, and these people do not reflect about their behaviour through normal communication but through sudden withdrawals like this.

My (21) bf (32) was casually making “funny remarks” on my facial flaws and I was getting hurt so I told him that he is being so mean multiple times and he just would go on and laugh at my reactions and brush them off by justifying himself with “making neutral remarks, not necessarily insulting me”. After trying for several times to signal that I am getting hurt, he kept going and even held my face down analyzing my face and laughing at me. At some point I lost my temper and hit him (did not hurt him but it is still something I totally disagree with and regret)

Then he became really distant and kept dismissing me when I said I want to communicate about the whole thing. He would just outright dismiss any attempt I was making to communicate and when I apologized for hitting him, he said “yeah never do that again. You’re so overreactive at mere words that don’t even mean any harm and then you try to communicate for every little thing.” I rejected his remark that it was “harmless” and he responded with “Are you really that insecure about that flaw? I was just pointing it out, I didn’t even say it’s ugly, it is normal. I think you’re just spoiled and used to people treating you like you’re perfect in every way; looks, intelligence, taste and you are surprised when I don’t see you that way because you’re not because you’re human just like the rest.”

Part of me wants to believe that I actually overreacted and it was just a stupid joke but then part of me interprets this whole thing as him trying to humble me (which if it isn’t true I guess he is right and I am more entitled than I should be.)

My (21) bf (32) was casually making “funny remarks” on my facial flaws and I was getting hurt so I told him that he is being so mean multiple times and he just would go on and laugh at my reactions and brush them off by justifying himself with “making neutral remarks, not necessarily insulting me”. After trying for several times to signal that I am getting hurt, he kept going and at some point I lost my temper and hit him.

Then he became really distant and kept dismissing me when I said I want to communicate about the whole thing. He would just outright dismiss any attempt I was making to communicate and when I apologized for hitting him, he said “yeah never do that again. You’re so overreactive at mere words that don’t even mean any harm and then you try to communicate for every little thing.” I rejected his remark that it was “harmless” and he responded with “I think you’re just spoiled and used to people treating you like you’re perfect in every way; looks, intelligence, taste and you are surprised when I don’t see you that way because you’re not because you’re human just like the rest.”

Part of me wants to believe that I actually overreacted and it was just a stupid joke but then part of me interprets this whole thing as him trying to humble me (which if it isn’t true I guess he is right and I am more entitled than I should be.)

Today I had to apply for a scholarship, so I went and asked the student services officer for three things: confirmation of semester registration, my grades transcript, and a document stating I’m not currently receiving any scholarship.

While preparing the transcript, the woman working there suddenly said I had already applied for a scholarship so I am not eligible. That confused me and I started thinking maybe I had and forgotten, so that confusion gave her the right to further insist on that. When I asked her to show me where it says that, she avoided answering and instead resentfully said, “With your average grade, of course you applied.” I told her that’s just her assumption and that it’s literally her job to provide the document.

She closed the window, took about five minutes, and handed me the papers. When I checked, she had given me two “no scholarship” documents and skipped the confirmation that I’m an active student. I went back and asked if she forgot it—she turned red, avoided eye contact, and insisted she gave me what I asked for, claiming the scholarship document works as proof of being a student. I said I would still need the proper one. She had it already printed and just handed it to me abruptly, then slammed the window shut.

After that point I was extremely irritated and told her she should be embarrassed of her irresponsibility and she should fix the issues she has with herself. She said “you are the one that visibly has issues, as it is you that is visibly aggressive” and I told her that “it is you that is visibly insecure for seeing someone do better than you probably ever did.” And left.

Now I do still think that till the end I was on the right but immediately assuming her behavior steamed from insecurity makes me feel like a bad person because what if it did not and I just made a person insecure by highlighting ‘I have achieved more than they ever did’