u/witchypunkz

I’m 24 residing in 10301 currently getting my bachelors in social work, I wanna do something peer recovery related but I also don’t mind working in the trades or doing anything else really, I’m honestly pretty desperate. Any suggestions would be helpful. I’m also a transgender man so hoping for something queer friendly

What do you fellas think, too much? If you were a girl, how would you feel reading this?

“You don’t have to respond to this message if you still need space but I really need to get this off of my chest. I’m about to take the risk and be hella vulnerable, I hope you don’t interpret this message as me pressuring you to get back together bc that’s not my intention, I just want to have a real talk. I’m sorry if I’m being too intense, I’ll try to learn how to dial it back. I’m trying to learn how to feel for you more casually. This isn’t the letter I wrote this is just stuff that’s been stuck in my head.

I’m going to a fertility specialist soon so I can freeze my eggs and it really has me thinking about my future. Losing you was one of the greatest mistakes I’ve ever made. You complete me, I’m hardly a person without you. You and your family made me into a better man. I’d chop off a limb with no anesthesia just to feel you wrapped around me, the feeling of your heartbeat against mine. There’s no greater feeling in this entire world than being yours. You’re the only person in this world that cared enough to save me and I believe you still care. I’m so grateful for you, I’m so proud of the person you’re developing into. You’re my hero, my knight in shining armor. I know we have our flaws that I won’t deny but outside of that our love story is beautiful. I can’t imagine myself building a life with anyone else, it makes me sick. I don’t want to be half a person, like you said I want us to be two complete people and I hope I can make it there eventually by working on myself but right now I am so miserable.

I feel so empty, it’s a constant burning heat that just gets stronger the longer I’m away from you. It feels scorching and freezing at the same time. I don’t have the support system that you have and it’s really difficult. I fantasize about us growing apart and then coming back together stronger than before. I just want you to be aware of my intentions. I’m moving out of my house into an apartment next year after I get top surgery and I’m cutting ties with my mom so you won’t have to deal with her. When you told me you wanted to grow old upstate I imagined making a home for you at my house.
Going to Virginia in the summer. Road trips where you don’t have to drive. I would love you forever even if you get old fat bitchy and bald.

I wish you could tell me exactly where I went wrong so I could change it but you never made the effort apart from my obvious faults and that really frustrates me. I guess it’s not really your job to anyway. You’ve shut down so much it’s as if everything we worked for was nothing but a learning curve & it’s entirely my fault. I think you’re taking the easy way out bc you’re afraid, hurt and frustrated. I felt so betrayed when you told me you didn’t want to get married, that’s something you should have been up front with me about before we even started dating. It really bothers me that you wanted temporary attention more than you wanted a future with me and it really bothers me that you believe you should’ve checked out as soon as I stopped conveniencing you.

I’m frustrated that I feel like I’m taking full responsibility for why this didn’t work. I feel like I’m feeling it most deeply. You shouldn’t have left earlier because I actually do have potential to be good for you you’ve just never really given me a chance to be. I know you’re not ready right now and I will give you all the time that you need, even if you never love me again I’ll learn to accept it but I will never stop loving you. I will never stop trying to change this. I think deep down you don’t want me to quit. I hate that you think I’m full of shit.

I want to be someone you can rely on, someone you can grow to trust again. I think we could have a beautiful future together even if we never get married, I’m willing to compromise because there’s no one else I can imagine my future with, there’s no one I would be happier with. I believe we’re stronger together. Nobody else could ever compare to you. How you make me feel is supernatural. Everything we’ve been through we can make through. I know this isn’t what you want and I would never pressure you into doing something you’re not entirely sure about but I want a future where we can create someone that’s half of me and half of you, I want someone to call us mommy and daddy. I think we could learn so much from each-other and from that experience.

If your genes are what you’re worried about we’ll figure it out, I know for a fact they’ll turn out beautiful and healthy(I’m hoping for twins two birds one stone) & if you really don’t wanna go that route I promise we don’t have to. I want you to feel completely in control of your future but not in a way that burdens you. I feel like you’ve let your past define your future and you’re not allowing yourself peace and happiness & you’re not accepting change. Or maybe you’re just only accepting change and peace that doesn’t include me, I don’t know.

I know it’s a huge decision to make so I’ll give you years to consider it. I’ve got it all planned out if you do want to. I’ll carry him/her so you won’t have to deal with it and my genes have no genetic diseases so I think it’ll even out. I know you think you’re bad luck but I think I’m the luckiest guy in the whole entire world for even just a moment with you. I live with less regret knowing that even the small amount of time we shared was so worthwhile. Even if you don’t want kids bc I understand how that would be risky and abnormal my mind is already made up, you’re truly the one for me Stacy. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you, I want to spend the rest of my life worshipping you.

My life before you was horrible and you know exactly how to heal me from the inside out. I hope I can do the same for you. I will never let this die, you belong to me. I think about someone else touching you and I want to murder them. I know you feel the passion we’ve shared and I would do anything to keep that flame going, even if you think it’s already gone. I swear I’ll be anything and everything you need & have always wanted, I’ve never wanted anything more. It’s all I wish for. I’m not ashamed of begging.

You’ve never known what it’s like to love me when I’m at my best and I think it would be a completely different experience. I know this commitment requires more than just words. It takes time, patience and dedication and money and power and sobriety. I promise to be everything you need, I’ve written my vows hundreds of times now just so I can get it right. I’ll make sure to become the best thing that’s ever happened to you as you have for me. I’m tired of being an uncertain pussy. I can handle the pressure. I would never make you feel alone or unloved ever again, I would never make everything your responsibility. Even the things you hated doing you still did and that’s how I know you truly loved me.

I feel so gross about violating every boundary you’ve established. I feel so guilty prioritizing my impulses above things that are actually important. I promise to make the effort to never do that again. I promise I’m being sincere. I’ll stop picking fights with random strangers and playing with my life in general. I love you, I love you more than anything. I would rather die than lose you. I don’t care if I’m being too clingy. Staying apart for now is fine because I know we need it despite the fact that it’s fucking torture sexually but Please don’t forget about me. I know I can fix this. I’ll never let my flaws and my trauma overpower my love for you. Just give me the chance to make this right if that’s even possible, you won’t regret it. A future with you is my dream come true.

You’re not alone, I’ll make sure you’re never lonely and I’m not saying or doing this because I pity you, it comes from a place of utmost respect and admiration. I don’t want to confuse you I just want to be honest with you before it’s too late. I don’t think you realize how perfect you truly are. Any moment you could slip away from me and then you’re gone forever, that’s my greatest fear. If I stopped being authentic about my intentions by pretending to want to be just friends I’d spend the rest of my life regretting it. I don’t want you to be happy with someone else because that could never be a reality for me. I’ve tried putting myself out there and I fucking hate it, maybe I’m just not ready but I never want to be ready for that. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, you’re beautiful in every single way. I could never do better than you despite all of the things you have trouble accepting. You’re the love of my life and I swear I will prove it to you. & I’m not saying this in an attempt to trap you forever. I just think I deserve another chance eventually. I don’t deserve you but I really want to. Us never speaking again, you moving on is something I really don’t want to accept. I will if I truly have to, but I won’t be content. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable doing even if it means saying goodbye.”

What do you fellas think, too much? If you were a girl, how would you feel reading this?

“You don’t have to respond to this message if you still need space but I really need to get this off of my chest. I’m about to take the risk and be hella vulnerable, I hope you don’t interpret this message as me pressuring you to get back together bc that’s not my intention, I just want to have a real talk. I’m sorry if I’m being too intense, I’ll try to learn how to dial it back. I’m trying to learn how to feel for you more casually. This isn’t the letter I wrote this is just stuff that’s been stuck in my head.

I’m going to a fertility specialist soon so I can freeze my eggs and it really has me thinking about my future. Losing you was one of the greatest mistakes I’ve ever made. You complete me, I’m hardly a person without you. You and your family made me into a better man. I’d chop off a limb with no anesthesia just to feel you wrapped around me, the feeling of your heartbeat against mine. There’s no greater feeling in this entire world than being yours. You’re the only person in this world that cared enough to save me and I believe you still care. I’m so grateful for you, I’m so proud of the person you’re developing into. You’re my hero, my knight in shining armor. I know we have our flaws that I won’t deny but outside of that our love story is beautiful. I can’t imagine myself building a life with anyone else, it makes me sick. I don’t want to be half a person, like you said I want us to be two complete people and I hope I can make it there eventually by working on myself but right now I am so miserable. I feel so empty, it’s a constant burning heat that just gets stronger the longer I’m away from you. It feels scorching and freezing at the same time. I don’t have the support system that you have and it’s really difficult. I fantasize about us growing apart and then coming back together stronger than before. I just want you to be aware of my intentions. I’m moving out of my house into an apartment next year after I get top surgery and I’m cutting ties with my mom so you won’t have to deal with her. When you told me you wanted to grow old upstate I imagined making a home for you at my house. Going to Virginia in the summer. Road trips where you don’t have to drive. I would love you forever even if you get old fat bitchy and bald. I wish you could tell me exactly where I went wrong so I could change it but you never made the effort apart from my obvious faults and that really frustrates me. I guess it’s not really your job to anyway. You’ve shut down so much it’s as if everything we worked for was nothing but a learning curve & it’s entirely my fault. I think you’re taking the easy way out bc you’re afraid, hurt and frustrated. I felt so betrayed when you told me you didn’t want to get married, that’s something you should have been up front with me about before we even started dating. It really bothers me that you wanted temporary attention more than you wanted a future with me and it really bothers me that you believe you should’ve checked out as soon as I stopped conveniencing you. I’m frustrated that I feel like I’m taking full responsibility for why this didn’t work. I feel like I’m feeling it most deeply. You shouldn’t have left earlier because I actually do have potential to be good for you you’ve just never really given me a chance to be. I know you’re not ready right now and I will give you all the time that you need, even if you never love me again I’ll learn to accept it but I will never stop loving you. I will never stop trying to change this. I think deep down you don’t want me to quit. I hate that you think I’m full of shit.
I want to be someone you can rely on, someone you can grow to trust again. I think we could have a beautiful future together even if we never get married, I’m willing to compromise because there’s no one else I can imagine my future with, there’s no one I would be happier with. I believe we’re stronger together. Nobody else could ever compare to you. How you make me feel is supernatural. Everything we’ve been through we can make through. I know this isn’t what you want and I would never pressure you into doing something you’re not entirely sure about but I want a future where we can create someone that’s half of me and half of you, I want someone to call us mommy and daddy. I think we could learn so much from each-other and from that experience. If your genes are what you’re worried about we’ll figure it out, I know for a fact they’ll turn out beautiful and healthy(I’m hoping for twins two birds one stone) & if you really don’t wanna go that route I promise we don’t have to. I want you to feel completely in control of your future but not in a way that burdens you. I feel like you’ve let your past define your future and you’re not allowing yourself peace and happiness & you’re not accepting change. Or maybe you’re just only accepting change and peace that doesn’t include me, I don’t know. I know it’s a huge decision to make so I’ll give you years to consider it. I’ve got it all planned out if you do want to. I’ll carry him/her so you won’t have to deal with it and my genes have no genetic diseases so I think it’ll even out. I know you think you’re bad luck but I think I’m the luckiest guy in the whole entire world for even just a moment with you. I live with less regret knowing that even the small amount of time we shared was so worthwhile. Even if you don’t want kids bc I understand how that would be risky and abnormal my mind is already made up, you’re truly the one for me Stacy. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you, I want to spend the rest of my life worshipping you. My life before you was horrible and you know exactly how to heal me from the inside out. I hope I can do the same for you. I will never let this die, you belong to me. I think about someone else touching you and I want to murder them. I know you feel the passion we’ve shared and I would do anything to keep that flame going, even if you think it’s already gone. I swear I’ll be anything and everything you need & have always wanted, I’ve never wanted anything more. It’s all I wish for. I’m not ashamed of begging. You’ve never known what it’s like to love me when I’m at my best and I think it would be a completely different experience. I know this commitment requires more than just words. It takes time, patience and dedication and money and power and sobriety. I promise to be everything you need, I’ve written my vows hundreds of times now just so I can get it right. I’ll make sure to become the best thing that’s ever happened to you as you have for me. I’m tired of being an uncertain pussy. I can handle the pressure. I would never make you feel alone or unloved ever again, I would never make everything your responsibility. Even the things you hated doing you still did and that’s how I know you truly loved me. I feel so gross about violating every boundary you’ve established. I feel so guilty prioritizing my impulses above things that are actually important. I promise to make the effort to never do that again. I promise I’m being sincere. I’ll stop picking fights with random strangers and playing with my life in general. I love you, I love you more than anything. I would rather die than lose you. I don’t care if I’m being too clingy. Staying apart for now is fine because I know we need it despite the fact that it’s fucking torture sexually but Please don’t forget about me. I know I can fix this. I’ll never let my flaws and my trauma overpower my love for you. Just give me the chance to make this right if that’s even possible, you won’t regret it. A future with you is my dream come true. You’re not alone, I’ll make sure you’re never lonely and I’m not saying or doing this because I pity you, it comes from a place of utmost respect and admiration. I don’t want to confuse you I just want to be honest with you before it’s too late. I don’t think you realize how perfect you truly are. Any moment you could slip away from me and then you’re gone forever, that’s my greatest fear. If I stopped being authentic about my intentions by pretending to want to be just friends I’d spend the rest of my life regretting it. I don’t want you to be happy with someone else because that could never be a reality for me. I’ve tried putting myself out there and I fucking hate it, maybe I’m just not ready but I never want to be ready for that. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing, you’re beautiful in every single way. I could never do better than you despite all of the things you have trouble accepting. You’re the love of my life and I swear I will prove it to you. & I’m not saying this in an attempt to trap you forever. I just think I deserve another chance eventually. I don’t deserve you but I really want to. Us never speaking again, you moving on is something I really don’t want to accept. I will if I truly have to, but I won’t be content. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable doing even if it means saying goodbye.”