u/wolfeonyx

I attempted two years ago, and at first I was mad that I made it out alive. Then I got over it.

Then I'm back here again. Mad.

The same heartbreak that caused it two years ago is happening again this week and I just want to leave.

I had so much hope that this time was different. All I wanted to was to be someone's choice. From childhood to this day, I knew I can do anything I put my mind to. I can work hard. I can make art. I can build a legacy. I can get in shape.

But I can never make someone love me. And it sounds so pathetic, but I feel like the one thing I crave the most is what's always out of reach for me.

I wanted to be married before I hit 30. I wanted to have a kid or two. I wanted to live in a house I paid for.

And I thought I was getting close to that when the person I loved so deeply came back for me and made plans with me.

Then I find myself constantly on trial. Never enough. My mistakes became who I am, not what I had to do to survive. My reactions became the only thing that made the relationship unworkable. Everything became my fault. I feel less than. I feel unwanted. I feel second to ghosts. I feel like someone who just happened to be there when he needed an escape from grieving something else that mattered more to him. I never got shown off. I never got introduced to his parents. My milestones never got celebrated openly.

And I healed from it once, and it was grueling. But coming back to promise me a future he can take away so quickly is cruel. He knew how badly I wanted it. He knew how much I struggled to get to where I am. And he just dangles a carrot in front of me and starves me of the warmth I need from him. Suddenly, this isn't working. He's not giving up, but sometimes he feels forced to like me. I don't understand people like that. How feelings can come and go. How someone can tell me one day I am their favorite person in the world and the next say they aren't proud to have me.

Death is a mercy. It's not the solution to my problems, but it's the most merciful way out because I am in such immense pain, I cannot even breathe without crying first. My life is a mess. I can't see anything else but mess. And I want to leave. This world is far too ugly for me to live in it longer than I should have.

I wish I could just say

Fuck You

once. For being such a huge disappointment. For starving me emotionally. For bringing your toxic past's pattern into my space.

Unlearn that shit. I fucking hate who you are when you default to 0°. If you want to be loved, learn to love properly.