u/xuxuanan

I don’t really know how to see myself as a person with value outside of what I do for others.

I’ve worked hard over the years (academics, self-improvement, habits, appearance, etc.), but I don’t feel proud of anything. I don’t really celebrate my accomplishments at all, even when things go well, it just feels flat. I also struggle to feel joy in general, like even “good” moments don’t really land emotionally.

In relationships, I’m always the giver, and I am 100% okay with that. I’m used to listening, supporting, and showing up for others, but I feel really uncomfortable being on the receiving end. I don’t feel secure with people close to me, and growing up, I never felt emotionally safe nor did I have anyone I felt I could rely on (which probably plays into this lol) despite having a traumatic childhood, I am doing my best to prove to myself as an adult that there is more to me and that I can feel happy. But it is so hard to. I can find kindness in others, like small interactions, or maybe through media, but kindness doesnt rlly equate to joy for me. I want to be able to live life happily and make the most of my young-adult years, but it feels impossible to feel anything positive towards myself. While I have loathed myself in the past, I just feel neutral and empty towards myself now. Im really just sticking it out to hopefully get a career in Healthcare. That is really all I am hoping for. Otherwise, I feel hopeless.

I feel like I’m just functioning to function. I feel like I need to constantly justify being alive through measuring how useful I am to others. Bc of this, I get deeply depressed if I feel like I didnt give my all to others or failed them. I’m in therapy and on meds, but I’m still trying to figure out how people actually build self-worth and feel genuine connection to themselves.

If anyone has been through something similar (low self-worth + inability to feel joy/pride/celebration), what actually helped you start changing that?

Tw: slight mentions of suicide attempts

My self esteem is awful, to the point I do not see myself as anything but a mere vessel people can use. It is not an appearance thing or an ability thing --> I have spent years building myself to where I do fit the conventional beauty standard, and I have worked hard to get to where I am academically (though it is falling apart within recent months due to my mental health and past attempts.)

I simply just do not see any selfworth. I feel like I am only allowing myself to live for the benefit of others. Unfortunately, I have felt like this since childhood. Growing up, I never felt good abt myself nor did I have anyone who I felt safe with. I have never felt proud of myself or my accomplishments. I do not celebrate anything, and I have been alone through most of my milestones. I just cannot find joy in myself. While I have people who call me a close friend, people who ive known for years of my life, I dont feel at all secure with them. I care about them yes, and I will show up for them (whether to comfort or to entertain), but I feel insecure if I step outside of a "giver" role and more receiver. Tbf, a lot of those close to me dont seem at all interested in me unless I am present to celebrate them or hear them out. I have spoken abt my depression with some "friends" before, and it came with backlash or clear misunderstanding. Trust me when I say nobody would grieve me. I do not have anyone's numbers saved. Nobody checks up on me. I am okay with that. I am just stating this to provide context. Rather than calling people "friends", I just show up for others whenever possible bc thats the only reason I can justify my life.

I simply dont feel as though I deserve anything, and this makes it extremely difficult to be motivated to do anything at all. I do not see much of a future for myself bc either I die early or I dedicate myself to working in Healthcare and that is it. I do not find any joy aside from helping people, but I find sadness everywhere else.

I do try to practice good habits and self improvement , but i feel robotic abt everything, like everything I do is just to check off a box or a sick reminder of how pathetic my life is (ie. All my efforts seem futile. Even if I see physical results, I just dont care abt myself enough to feel anything. Again, my whole life has been life this.) I still do not have any sense of self recognition or identity or pride. I feel completely detached from myself and empty and think I could die at any point and be okay with it.

How do I love myself? I do not know how. I do not think I have ever felt loved by others either. I feel people's kindness, sure, like in smaller interactions with strangers. But nothing enough to make me think im anything beyond a body whose organs could fetch for a nice price. You know? Yes I had a miserable childhood, and I spent my adolescence trying to prove to myself that childhood doesn't make or break my character. But unfortunately, not much progress. Yes I go to therapy and take meds. At the root of it all, I am functioning just to function. I want to like myself and feel genuine happiness from just being alive. I want to make the most of my youth (Im a young adult). I just don't know how or what I am doing wrong. I want to feel okay or something semblance of what most people feel when going about their daily lives.

Tw: slight implications of being suicidal?

My self esteem is awful, to the point I do not see myself as anything but a mere vessel people can use. I am willing to live only to the benefit of others, and this is something I have came to terms with for years. I do not feel sad by the fact I feel no self-love or self acceptance, but I do get sad if I fail others, regardless if im disappointing a stranger or a close acquaintance.

Growing up, I never felt good abt myself nor did I have anyone who I felt safe with. I have never felt proud of myself or my accomplishments. I do not celebrate anything, and I have been alone through most of my milestones. While I have people who call me a close friend, people who ive known for years of my life, I dont feel at all secure with them. I care about them yes, and I will show up for them (whether to comfort or to entertain), but I feel insecure if I step outside of a "giver" role and more receiver. Tbf, a lot of those close to me dont seem at all interested in me unless I am present to celebrate them or hear them out.

I simply just dont feel as though I deserve anything, and this makes it extremely difficult to be motivated to do anything at all. I believe that Im waiting around for people to let go of me as a friend or confidant, bc they are better off without me and I feel like I am not truly seen anyway. But until then, I am willing to be a vessel. I do not see much of a future for myself. Either I die early or I dedicate myself to working in Healthcare and that is it. I do not find any joy aside from helping people, but I find sadness everywhere else.

I do try to practice good habits and self improvement. But i feel robotic abt everything, like everything I do is just to check off a box. I still do not have any sense of self recognition or identity or pride. I feel completely detached from myself and empty and think I could die at any point and be okay with it.

How do I love myself? I do not know how. I do not think I have ever felt loved by others either. I feel people's kindness, sure, like in smaller interactions with strangers. But nothing enough to make me think im anything beyond a body whose organs could fetch for a nice price. You know?