u/young-grandma-1030

UPDATE:
Again, I would like to stress that this is my first time posting so I’m not sure if this is where I should update but here it is…..

So first of all thank you for the encouraging comments and kindness, it meant a lot to read that while going through this. To those who were calling me stupid and contributing this problem to me being young-respectfully, you were the furthest thing from helpful. The age I’m getting married at has no correlation with the fact that my mom has been and continues to be a problem.

Now to what happened on Friday. Before going, we both agreed that as mad as my mom made us, we didn’t have any problems with the people invited so we would keep the invite (because what’s done is done) and the goal of this conversation was more to be more open with her than she’s had in the past. We drove over to my parents house and walk in to my mom doing some housework and my dad greeted us when we walked through the door. We had some awkward small talk to begin and finally my mom stops doing stuff and comes over to where we all were. She was standing and leaning on the back of a couch while my dad was sitting in a chair and we were on a love seat. I started by looking at her and saying the ground rules are me and my fiancé will say our part and after we are done she and my dad can out in their input. I asked her how her cousin got an invite to the wedding. She said, almost matter-of-fact that she sent a picture of the invite. Then, I asked her if they were the only ones from that original list (thank you to those who suggested it because that never crossed my mind)- they were. I then began to tell her that after having that initial phone call where we agreed to compromise and she approved the compromised list, I thought everyone who was invited was okay. I told her I would have preferred that she tell me, not my MOH, that she wasn’t satisfied with the guest list so we could have had an adult discussion about changing it. I told her that it felt deceptive and sneaky that she didn’t communicate to me that she was inviting people we said weren’t coming. My mom physically cannot stay quiet because she then condescendingly shook her head and mouthed some words. I told her that it really hurt that she didn’t come to me and from my perspective purposefully kept us out of the loop. When I said it really hurt me, she gave me a condescending half smile- similar to the look we give my 4 y/o niece when she says we’re “breaking her heart” for not giving her ice cream. There was a few points of repeat where I was trying to stress the hurt and deceit that I felt but then I went quiet. She looked at us and said “are you finished?” We said yes and she then started to say how it was a “misunderstanding” she “wasn’t clear” that they weren’t invited. My dad then spoke for the first time since we started and threw in a “you did agree to that list” quickly and quietly. She then launched into saying she asked my MOH for confirmation if they were on the list and thought it was an oversight when she told my mom they weren’t (after texting me and my fiancé to check). My mom then attempted to sound emotional and went into saying that I don’t know the family dynamics and there’s been some rivalry between this guest and another guest so I can’t just invite the one. She said she was trying to do “damage control” and because she didnt want it to “become a big deal”. So to avoid any issues and that she’s kept in touch with this cousin it was important she came. Around that point was where her defense switched from saying it was a “misunderstanding” to she “didn’t think it was a big deal”. She finished her “defense” and I stressed that if she had any questions or concerns with the people we picked, she could have gotten in contact with me and we could have had an adult conversation about it. She continued then to say she didn’t realize it was such an issue (despite me saying that they wouldn’t even be able to rsvp because I was unaware they were even invited). She asked if we were done and issued a half assed “I’m sorry you feel hurt I didn’t think it was that big of a deal” and then asked if that was it and if we were all good. I asked my fiancé if he had anything to add and he hesitated a minute before saying no. I could tell he was pissed but was keeping his thoughts in because he wasn’t in the right head space to say what was in his head. I asked my dad if he wanted to add anything and he said no. So we ended it there-I gave my dad a hug, reluctantly gave my mom a half assed hug and my fiancé refused to make contact with my mom. We left and we barely even got out of the drive way before I started crying. We had a 20 min drive home and I cried the whole way. During the conversation and watching her face, I could see she couldn’t give one fuck that her daughter just told her she felt hurt by her actions. That fucking hurt. My fiancé was pissed because he didn’t take kindly to someone hurting his future wife and clearly not feeling remorse.

We got 5 min from home and my dad calls me. I answer it and try to sound like I wasn’t crying. He said that he wanted me to know his silence during the conversation wasn’t him endorsing my mom but he wanted her to lay in the bed she made for herself. And then he told me, in probably the most defeated voice I’ve heard from him, that she’s not actually sorry for what she did. I then had the urge and asked him if he thought she would ever feel sorry and he sounded even more upset. He said he honestly didn’t know. They’ve been having some trouble in their marriage (in part because of how my mom is-hence this situation) and he definitely is feeling the weight of this on top of that situation. We got off the phone with him and I proceeded to cry more. The only good thing is my fiancé got me a mango-Rita alcohol infused slushy and, while I still cried a lot that night, it was a nice treat lol

So that’s pretty much it. My fiancé does want to have another conversation and, respectfully but firmly, rip my mom a new asshole for hurting his future wife and her own daughter. As of right now she’s just lost my respect but she is still invited to the wedding. I know most of you said I should uninvite her but that doesn’t sit well with me and I would appreciate it if that’s one decision you guys leave your opinions out of. My fiancé says with 100% certainty that him talking will make a difference. My hope on that is dwindling but he’s got some hard truths to tell her that I do things she needs to hear regardless of if it changes anything. Not sure if that’s the update you guys wanted but that’s what happened. Thanks again for all the input, it is appreciated.

Hi! Long time listener but this is my first post here! A little backstory, my mom and I (21 F) have had a rocky-ish relationship (oldest daughter to a boy mommy iykyk). She has always been very opinionated, rude, and manipulative. She is the type to make passive aggressive jabs just to make a point that I messed up and has never been shy to take any opportunity to tell me what I’m doing wrong with my life. She once said that when I was getting my CNA certification, that she was “GOING to give me money for the course” but since I got a tattoo a couple months before I “clearly didn’t need the money”. The kicker….? I never asked her for money and that conversation was them asking how my course was going. My dad has usually been the type to blindly back her up but as their relationship has gotten rocky itself has over the years (partially due to him being more passive and her walking all over him) he’s seemed to stop blindly backing her up when she does things like this.

Now to the real issue that started months ago. When I got engaged to my fiancé (27M) in December last year I had a gut feeling there was going to be at least some problems with my mom, but I was hoping for the best. Most of the planning went well, still stressful, but well. The main issue started a few months ago when we had solidified the guest list and my parents came to me and my fiancé asking us to invite 22 extra people as a “favor” to them. 6 were my dad’s pick and 16 were my mom’s, so I told them we would compromise and I could do 10 out of the 22. We double checked the 10 picked and it was confirmed by both parents that they were okay with the ones chosen. We thought all was well until a week ago when my MOH told me my mom was talking about the guest list and how she was unhappy with it (and that she didn’t get her way with it). My MOH shut her down and I thought it was over and we just needed to have a conversation with them at some point. Yesterday morning, my fiancé told me that she was texting my MOH about the guest list again, so being frustrated, i knew we needed to talk sooner than later. I sent a text to her, my dad, and included my fiancé stating that if they had any issues with the guest list to come directly to me and my fiancé. My dad called me almost immediately and told me he had nothing to do with anything relating to the guest list and he had no idea my mom was complaining about it. I told him we had already assumed that and putting him in the text chain was to inform him of what she was doing, as well as warn her that she’s not as sneaky as she thought. Yesterday evening, I got a notification that someone (who was apart of the 12 people not invited) bought us a gift via Zola. Since the only way to access it is by having the direct link, I knew my mom had taken a picture of the invite and sent it to that person. Both me and my fiancé are angry because she went behind our backs and manipulated the situation to suit her. I called my dad and told him what she did. He sounded defeated and told me that if I needed him to be with us when I talked to her he would do that but it was my choice.

My fiancé and I have already set a date and time to talk to her (tomorrow) but there’s one bit of conflict. My fiancé thinks uninviting the guests who my mom invited, and making her do it, is the best way to punish her and show her that her actions have consequences. I’m torn because I want her to feel the embarrassment and the burn but I also don’t want these family members to feel hurt by it unnecessarily. So Reddit, AITAH if I uninvited them and make her do it as a lesson that deception isn’t okay?