r/AutisticDatingTips

I had been dating a neuro diverse man for about six months I am not neuro diverse myself. He is also not diagnosed he’s self diagnosed (problem #1) On top of all of this he also has never dated anyone in his 30+ years of like for longer then a few weeks. (Problem #2) Once we started to get to the six month mark he started to act a little fishy, started to pull away, pick up more work things like that. A week before my birthday he let me know that he was having thoughts of uncertainty about the relationship I thought okay let’s call it here but nevertheless agreed to “meet half way” well after a few more conversations and then him saying he struggled to feel a “connection” it got worse. Then came my birthday. He is very weird about birthdays he does not celebrate his own and purposely disappears from the world (deep childhood trauma I suspect) part of his fishy behavior I suspect had to do with the fact that my birthday was fast approaching. Long story short he did not show up to dinner and never wished me a happy birthday and has just completely disappeared off the face of the planet. All of this has left me very confused and angry at myself for even allowing it to go on this long but nevertheless here we are now. Another lesson learned.

So, well, I should probably try to explain my situation 😅 but before i start, i should also mention, i have adhd (inattentive type) and a strong suspection for autism ₍⑅ᐢ..ᐢ₎ also, english is not my native language, so i'm sorry for any mistakes ๑﹏๑

i never had a real relationship before, only what we call "getting-to-know-you" phases in my country (yk, the stage where you see if you're compatible.) I think it was called "dating phase" in english, so i'll refer to it as that in this post ( ⑅ 𓈒. .𓈒 ︡𐑠. So, yeah, i've had mutliple people be attracted to me, i am not a virgin and i had dating-phases with 2 people, but they both broke things off, and i think i know the reason why: it's my personality qwq. I guess i'm conventionally pretty enough for people to think i'm attractive, but my personality is what's unattractive to them. (btw, the 2 ppl i had dating phases with, and the guy that took my virginity, were also neurodivergent, in case that's important).

Because whenever i'm around my crushes, i just somehow start acting really childlike, idk, it's hard to explain. I don't do straight up baby-talk, i think, but i enjoy giving them nicknames that are kinda cutesy variatons of their given names, or, idk qwq i also act relatively childlike in my day-to-day life, such as talking about myself in 3rd person (irdk why i do this, it just feels more comfy to talk about myself that way ahdjdgjd), or sometimes not saying full sentences. Sometines i also tend to act more mature, when i'm with friends who are more childlike themselves, but with other friendgroups, the childishness comes out more. i think it's a mask that i sometimes wear because it feels nice, but it's also kind of part of my personality? 😅 because when i'm with my family, i feel like it's a mix of me being mature and childlike.

But the childishness just explodes to extremes when i'm around people i have a crush on, like, i just get th hugee urge to physically cling to them, and idk, i noticed i just act more like a child, like, i either get bouncy and excited, or i just, idk, get shy in the way that a child would? Maybe it's also a way of fawning, because i realized i tend to do this more when i'm nervous? But i'm not sure, i kinda don't even really know what fawning exactly means, tbh qwq

But, well, i really guess the overall childlike-ness is what turns them off, eventually 😭 for example, i'm still friends with the guy that took my virginity 4 years ago, but we didn't do much else in that direction anymore, because he said once, now that he knows me more, he kinda sees me as a kid 🥲

On top of that, i know it's not healthy, but i think i kinda like being infantilized a little by my romantic partners? ;-; (at least, as long as they don't tell me what to do, bc i hate getting my freedom restricted). i know that it could be, because my dad wasn't present when I was little. he wasn't abusive at all, he just was working all the time when we were kids, and only sometimes read a book to us at night, and my mom had to take care of the rest, alone (sry to my mom at that part 😅)

But, i just think that if i ever want to have a real relationship, i'll have to act more like my age, but i don't know how to do that, at all  ( ͒ ́ඉ .̫ ඉ ̀ ͒)  the word "adult" has had a negative association for me ever since i was 15, i think, and idk how to turn it into something positive, now that i'm supposed to be an adult, myself (╥﹏╥)

And also, once, one of my ex-crushes told me, that anyone who is sexually attracted to me, is a pedo 😭 (luckily this person is out of my life, but sometimes i feel like he might have been right 🥹)

I hope this post makes sense or anything (ᵕ ´ ∇ ˋ ˶)

You've all probably heard this before. I've started using dating apps and I don't know what to expect.

I [20F] got diagnosed with autism about a year and two months ago now. And I got diagnosed with ADHD and OCD in 2021. I did GCSEs, Alevels and I passed first year of uni, going into second year next year. I’m doing a STEM degree. I struggled throughout some of it but I made it through because I always do.

My autism affects me everyday. I try to hide it with beauty and fashion. It works I believe. I always get told I’m beautiful. “You could model” “You’re autistic? Really? You don’t look autistic” Despite struggling I still do everything a person would usually do. I think I cope remarkably well and I’m very proud of how far I’ve come.

But every relationship I’ve been in has ended badly or I’ve had my feelings really hurt. My last boyfriend Sa’d me. Coercion. It’s a complicated situation and my parents support me with it and hate him. But they also say I’m naive. I’m innocent. Make it feel like it’s my fault for not realising what he was doing. Say that my autism makes me more trusting.

So he was 7 months ago. I believe I’m ready to try dating again. And I want to say, with my ex, I was not a handful. I was an amazing girlfriend. I would get us tickets for things (even if sometimes he didn’t show), I’d comfort him. I never lashed out at him or even got any kind of angry at him. I’d even comfort him when he was a bad boyfriend. Even if I felt it. I was so so kind. And I can say for a fact. I was not a handful with him. If anything he was the handful, and he was not neurodivergent.

My parents tell me I’m a handful. “You’ll find the right one one day, someone who can handle you” “you’re alot to deal with, sweetheart” “It takes someone with alot of patience to deal with people like you”

I want to preface that my parents are wonderful and have helped me through so much and love me deeply. But it just feels hurtful when they say that. Maybe I was a handful 6 years ago when I was un medicated and simultaneously going through puberty. But I know I’m kind and gentle and loving and generous because I’ve been told that by friends my entire life. My friends don’t think I’m a handful. They say I handle my neurodivergence remarkably well and don’t let it define me.

Sometimes I feel like people are incapable of loving me gently. I feel maybe I’m the problem and something about me just screams “hurt me”. I just want to be loved gently though. Someone who doesn’t find me “a handful”. I don’t know. I’m typing this now because I just got cancelled on for the second time by a guy who I actually really like. He’s the first guy I felt something for after being so numb for a while after my evil ex. Yet I still told him it’s ok and we can rearrange. Maybe I have no self respect. I’ve even helped this guy through stuff.

And I’m not innocent. I’ve had a a consensual sexual encounter and made out with a few guys in a club. I’m capable of functioning. I can last in a loud club for a five hours without it being too much. I don’t know why people still treat me like I’m not. I have to always weigh up telling people I have autism because then if I do get a little overwhelmed so they’ll understand. Or not telling them because it’s like exposing my neck for an attack during the battle of Hastings.

I don’t think there is someone out there who will love me gently because I just think it’s too easy to hurt me. I think I’ve probably contradicted myself in this whole essay. I’m starting to accept it now. I’m a very self aware person so it makes my therapy feel silly cause what more can they tell me? Oh well. I’ll probably go to the cinema alone today instead of seeing the guy and stuff my face with popcorn to try and get over the ache in my chest from being stood up again.

so i've had a few relationships in my life, only 2 "serious" ones that lasted a long time (first being 5 years, 2nd being a year in a half)

none really worked out

I have also had A LOT of crushes and usually fall for people super fast

I only just recently figured out that I have audhd i wonder if some of my issues in relationships have been in relation?

anyone else feel the same or have had specific issues in relationships because of having autism or adhd (hopefully that makes sense im not super good at wording stuff)

The chat is flowing, the banter is there, but the date still hasn’t been suggested.

Some people think chemistry is better found in person. Others think you should take your time before making plans.

Sydney daters, where do you draw the line?