r/MadeMeCry

My boi died today. I was giving him his medicine, and I thought he choked and suffocated, but now after several hours have passed, I think he might have had a heart attack. I had a cat, Buddy, years ago that suffocated in my arms. Scruffy’s body didn’t do the same things Buddy’s did when he 100% suffocated. I believe the stress of being wrapped up in a blanket and forced medicine might have been too much and took its toll on his little heart. I got done giving him medicine and took him out of the blanket and carried him to my room. The whole way I held him like a baby and had my ear on his head to listen to him breathe. He was breathing, but they sounded and felt weak. I got him to the bed and that’s when he was motionless. I tried CPR, and stopped after 10mins. Had dad trying to find a vet that was open, called emergency vet “oh we can’t help assist you with CPR.” Thanks lady 🙄

I wanted to post some pictures of Scruffy to share with everybody. From one of my first pictures of him, to his last one alive. He was such a sweet boi. He was very territorial and sometimes aggressive with people he did not know, but with me and the rest of his family, he was the sweetest boi.

I wrote him a letter. I wanted to post here. I wrote it as if I’m talking to him. I wrote it on paper and took pictures of it before a buried him with it. I used the pictures to copy the words to paste here. I don’t really know why I want to share something so personal, but I guess it’s cause there were similar things I wanted to say here and I figured just copying and pasting would be faster than trying to reword everything I wrote for him.

Letter:

Scruffy,
I loved you so much. I was so happy to become Your dad/mom and take care of you after your mom disappeared and bottle fed you and your brothers and sister.

You were one of my greatest joys and accomplishments that wandered into my life, when I saved you and your siblings all those years ago from drowning in the clogged pipe under our driveway where your mom decided to birth you guys. Today, I feel like your greatest failure. I tried so hard to keep you alive and healthy, to make you better. I am so sorry I failed you. I am going to miss you so much. I will miss your squeaky purr, how you'd smack the trash out of the air when I tossed it, how you'd smuggle your head into my arm and feeling your wet nose on my skin. I remember when you were a kitten I’d be laying on the floor with you guys and you’d crawl up on my chest and look at me and lay down. I remember taking you to GameStop with me and we ate pizza together on my shoulder. You were my little buddy. I even got a shirt that reminded me so much of you and me. I still have it.

I tried my very best to save you. CPR didn’t work. I felt your big paws move, trying to come back, but it wasn’t enough. I loved you so much, I hope you know that. I hope you still love me too, even though I failed you in the worst way possible. I'm so sorry, Scruffy.

My favorite memory is when you gave those vets hell. I
asked them if they needed my help getting you in your carrier. "No.” They Said. Boy were they wrong. I could hear you for 5mins just screaming at them, raising hell, as I waited patiently at the desk, while everyone in the waiting room was looking at the door at all the commotion you were causing. A person came into the office with his pet and heard you and said to me “that’s one angry cat.” I say “yeah, that’s mine” with a smile on my face.

The receptionist came and got me for help. When I got through the door and into that room that was the funiest shit I'd ever seen. Two vets with one mitten each, one with a broom trying to fend you off and sweep you into your carrier, one with a blanket trying to trap you, and one of them had blood on his arm. 5 vets couldn't handle your 32lb raging ass. I say “Scruffy! What are you doing boi?!” You turned your head to me immediately when you heard me say your name. I walk over, talking to you “what are you doing to these poor people boy??”, I take the blanket from the one, wrapped you up no problem and carried you to your carrier. All they could say was "Wow.” Like they were impressed or hadn’t seen anything like it. That's when I knew without any doubt that you loved and trusted me whole heartedly. This is one of my absolute favorite memories of you, and I tell this story with pride. Who else could have a bond so strong with a cat like this? How fortunate I am for your love.

I love you Scruffy boi, I will miss you. You were one of my greatest joys, greatest accomplishments, greatest loves, and I ended up being your greatest failure. Please forgive me.
Your Dad
Wayne

I held you in my arms as I bottle fed you your milk, I held you in my arms as you took your last breaths.

This wasn't meant for any of you, and honestly I was never gonna post this originally. It just doesn't feel right, and its really long too. Only I think she knew what she was doing to me, when his daughter wrote back "Please do... in his Honor."

With that said. l now title;

Only wish he could have read it.

Dear LCpl (redacted sorry) USMC Retired. I only hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. Now while I can't speak for the latest generation, not negating them or their service. I simply find myself too many years removed. But will none the less assure you there are those out there who still value "True Patriotism". I'd count myself among them.

Now let me just say, I'm not a Vet. I've never served. My career began and ended at Great Lakes Naval, as medically 4-F. So while I don't... I Can't understand. I'm gonna give it a try none the less. I wana take you back in time with me...

You see my parents once took me to D.C. when I was about nine years old. My young self just didn't take any interest. I just wasn't having it. Call it wasted effort on an unappreciative child. But then I had my first "You gotta see it" moment. Kinda like the Grand Canyon you gotta "experience" it, you just gotta "be there". I always thought this was just bullshit. Until years later I stared into a mile deep hole in the ground, but I digress. More than 30 years later I remember this night well. It was around Christmas time and very Cold! My mother had stayed in the room. Not that I wanted to go, but He was on some kinda "mission" and "no" simply wasn't a valid response.

It was well after dark by the time we got there, and the entire park was vacant except a few trying to stay warm in their makeshift dwellings. The air was dead silent, talking eerily quiet. My Father wouldn't tell me where we were going. He'd only say "Come on! Want to show you something." So I'd follow, past a strange statue with cans of beer, an packs of smokes at it's base. Don't people just steal those? I look up an ask. He chuckles, and we just keep on walking.

Then all of a sudden there it was... Five times taller than me. A towering, neverending megalith of a structure. Jet black, yet the characters etched would shine in the pale light. Imposing to say the least, yet all this is lost on me. I was tired, cold, and surly cranky. We'd continue on what seemed like forever until, all of a sudden my father just stops. Like he knew where he was going the entire time.

He'd pause for a moment then kneel, quietly say a small prayer. Stand, Kiss his fingers, and touch them to the Wall... I don't understand we're not a much of a religious family, and this is very unusual. With wet eyes he'll call me over, pointing at something. Now looking back I'll say I'm completely unprepared for whats about to happen. But as is often the case, Life... Simply has it's own plans for me tonight.

So with great trepidation I'll follow his finger and there it was. My Name... It's right there?!? On The Wall. Now I'm just beyond puzzled. Why!?! What's it doing there? Seeing my confusion, he quickly regains his composure and explains, well everything. Where we are. What this place is. Why it's so Important... And lastly "Who" his Big Brother, my Uncle really "Was". You see I knew I'd been named after him but that was all. Only my father never really spoke of him before. I think it was just too painful. But in that moment, teary eyed he told me my Uncle's "story" and time would just kinda stop...

Now it's different. Now I look to my left, the Names won't stop. Look to my right it's the same they only grow smaller in the distance. Now it clicks... Now I understand, an Im tearing up too. But I can't, not now anyways. Emboldened by the strength in my father's eyes I manage to regain my own composure, say my own prayer for my Uncle. An on the tips of my toes I'll touch his name the same as my father.

As we walk away still teary eyed all I can do, hold his hand allowing him guide me. While I watch the Names as we pass. I'll try reading them at first but theres too many, they'll just pass too quickly. Now wondering, Who they were? What were their story's like? Do they have Kids?... Do they have Brothers? Did they find Brothers?... The questions won't stop and never have. I think I've already aged a bit by the time we got back to the hotel that night. So, while some might sneer at a life of Sacrifice dedicated to the Service of others. I Won't. Not me... Never me...

P.S. Rest in peace Dad. Thank you for helping me become the Man I am today. An I'm still working on the promise I made you that night. To one day earn the Name you gave me.

Now if you made it down this memory with me. I'll simply say and then leave you with...

I Thank you for your Service and Sacrifice. Now on behalf of a Greatful Nation, I Vow not to let your story go untold.

"Lives of great Men remind us all. We can make our lives sublime, And departing leave behind us footprints on the sands of time."

-Richard Winters, 101st Airborne Division

With my greatest regards, yours truly (sorry redacted)

If you've made it this far. I'll salute you for your reading prowess and rededicate this to any Active Duty or Veteran. So keep your head down out there and, Godspeed to you.

As I type this, I reach into my pocket an pull out a seemingly insignificant piece of tin. Not sure why I carry it, but I assure you it held tremendous value to its owner. You see I'm holding his 25 year coin.

To anyone out there struggling with addiction. Simply know you can do this, others have and so can you.

My father was the definition of a stand up, fall down Drunk for many decades of his life. But one day he decided he'd had enough.

I'll remember this night well. I was about 10yrs old too. An He'd passed out in his chair again. I was just trying to wake him, I dont remember why. So for some reason I started shaking him, and he half woke up. He kinda growled at me... Then he leaned over and he Bit me.

Now he had no memory of it, and I'm not sure if it was the marks on my arm... Or the Doctor explaining to him how few people survive mere hours with the amount of alcohol that was in his blood.

But I do know, that was it his Rock Bottom.

On June 28th, 1998 he had his last drink. That was by no means his first attempt at sobriety, but it would prove his last.

From that day on he became the Man he always knew he could be. Gone were the days of drunken abuse. He'd transformed himself into a loving husband and a caring father.

Now... I've got the memory of him sinking his teeth in me. But I can also vividly recall the day years later when I'd open my own business.

You see he didn't get around too well by this point. But he wasn't gonna miss this day for anything. I can still remember how hard it was for him just getting in the door... And I'll always remember the look in his eye when he took my hand an quietly said "I'm Proud of you Son"

You see, He became the Man he always wished he could be. An on October 6th of 2023 he achieved his life-long goal. He'd leave this world a Sober Man, loved by his friends and family.

Rest in Peace Ol' Man. I Love you, and I only wish you could know how Proud I am, and always was of you.

Honestly, don't know why I'm posting all this, maybe because I don't get to tell him this particular story, I don't know. But I'd made a promise to myself years ago...

To live to be half the man my father was.

Now, to any reading simply...

"What one man can do, another can do."

I'll warn you first. This is long, and can get too Real... Only too Quickly. So If you continue? Remember, I tried to leave you a disclaimer.

But if my story should help you in any way, simply know, I'm Honored. What's your about to read was written in the moment. The hardest moment of my life actually, and has not been edited since.

I simply looked over for a split second, and my brain just couldn't understand what my eyes... Had handed it to process. So I chose to write...

The rest of this is actually a repost originally titled,

"She's in the other room, I think she's gone."

Now, with that said;

I don't know what to say. I don't know what im asking. I don't know what to title this post. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I don't really know what I expect to gain for that matter. But mostly I don't know what I'm doing out here, instead of being in there with her.

The only thing I know right now, I Love my Mother.

An as I like for my posts to be clear, concise and understandable to most anyone, I shouldn't be here typing yet.

Honestly I just discovered this sub less than 5 minutes ago, And my time would probably be much better spent reading than typing. No one might ever read this I'll probably just hit discard.

Yeah this one's gonna get long, an I'd better start making sense soon. I've gotta nutshell this somehow, That shouldn't be hard this isn't an original story after all. Ok,

My mother's been on Hospice care since early February, and she just doesn't eat. Not that, that's what put us here. Was a combination of early stage lung cancer, congestive heart failure, and frequent hospitalizations.

But no It's her complete inability to ingest food anymore that's gonna be her end.

She just can't eat, She has a strong appetite. Tells me what she'd like for dinner and I'll either prepare it myself or order it from out. But as soon as I put the food in front of her, her stomach turns the smells an everything just turn her off and she can't eat.

I get nibbles, bites, I can't remember the last time she eat even half a plate of food. All I do is throw away rotten leftovers. She's been sustained this long off of tapioca pudding & less than half an ensure a day.

Me real quick, I only signed up to be her POA originally. But hospice came, It was time to find a caregiver. And as I found myself in a transitionary period and was unemployed anyway. I couldn't think of anyone better than myself. Only I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This just started wearing on me a lot faster than I thought it would.

Stop. Honestly my only real gripe in this entire situation. I really wish someone had have told me about the classes that were available to me back when I had the time to take them anyway.

I can't explain. it's a special kind of (insert your choice expletive here) that the first diaper I ever change is on my mother. I never had kids.

Okay enough background, Gonna skip to today, Well yesterday morning I guess.(IDK it's been one long fu*kin day for me now.) Gonna hurry up and get to the end the sun's coming up again.

She woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. On a level that we haven't reached before. (Idk if I'm even allowed to talk about drugs, don't care gonna continue) I gave her a full dose(as prescribed) of morphine and her dose of lorazepam, Both liquid. It took longer than I would have liked for her to finally pass out asleep.

She's this bad so I've decided to stay up make sure she's okay through the night.

If I'm honest her cries of pain we're affecting me more than I realized. Now it's eerily quiet. She could have had another dose hours ago.

Okay. Here goes, Probably the only part of this cluster worth reading.

How do I put this, I think it happened. I was just making another cup of coffee and then I went to check on her and...

Her eyes are wide open, and I don't think her chest is moving. And instead of being a Man and checking for a pulse. I came out here, pulled out my phone with a thought. Sure enough I was right there's a sub for everything so I just started typing.

I've been out here for a while now, Too long In fact. This post has also grown too long.

Just. I love you Mom.

An I've done my best. I only hope my best was good enough. I miss you so much already. I don't think my hearts ever gonna be the same.

Simply, I thank you for just being my Mom.

Well here goes I've got a man up. Go see if what I believe to be true is true. Oh ya lastly,

To any Nurse out there. I thank you for what you do. I don't even know you, but I thank you, for helping anyone in my situation in their time of need. To the rest of you I simply thank you for reading.

I think im almost done crying. I have to stop for now, gotta man up soon.

Now. With all that said, I'm ready to go back in there.

(My 1st comment about 5 mins later)

Can I just tell you guys how much I wish I was just a Troll. I wish I was just a asshole that just found this kinda thing funny.

But no this is just my life as it unfolds in real time. Raw. Unpolished. An all too real. So I'll just pickup where I'd left off.

I turned off the music I'd left playing, put myself real close to her looking, hoping to see that chest moving, Or hear the raspy sounds of her labored inhale.

But no It's exactly as I thought.

They gave me a hotline to call when this time came I dialed the number now I'm waiting on the nurse and I'd assume a Coroner.

I guess if anything I should be relieved. I don't think she suffered much, And this road only got darker.

Anyway right now I just wish I was a troll with a twisted sense of humor. But no, now I've got some people on the other side of the country to wake up.

That was it. How it ended, Sorry.

I guess if you've made it this far with me I'm gonna try to impress upon you a couple of things I know to be true.

Simply it's never too late, till it's too late.

You can call em up right now, an say it. Say the words.

You might live to regret not saying it.

If you're not close with em for whatever reason. You should consider trying to reconcile your differences now...

Because we're never guaranteed a tomorrow, Later.

This is Malakai. He turned a yearold last month. Friday night he consumed dental floss. By the time l noticed how he was, it had already done things to his insides. The vet used words I had to Google in the parkinglot. They were kind but honest. A procedure has to happen by Tuesday morning.

l've moved everything l could move. Sold what l could. l've been sitting in the parking lot for hours because I can't make myself leave him. He's probably confused in there.

If everything isn't lined up as of the day after, there isn't another option. Tuesday morning is it. l have never felt so much of nothing before.

If you've got a cat at home, give them an extra attention today. l really would like to say l could do that now.

I posted this on my running social media accounts as I’m just days away from the 3 year anniversary of quitting alcohol, nicotine and adderall.

I figured this might inspire some people here maybe. This post isn’t to say that alcohol is bad, but that I had a bad relationship with it, and if someone else out there also has a bad relationship with it, that it is possible to get clean and have a life you can’t even imagine.

Although this post is somewhat about sobriety, it is still a glow up imo and the sobriety aspect is just the cause of the glow up.

I’m so grateful to be here. Thanks for stopping by✌🏻