r/SchemaTherapy

A while ago, my therapist told me (M26) something that genuinely changed the way I see my life. She told me “You cannot fully heal in complete emotional isolation.”

We’re doing Schema Therapy, and for the first time I’m beginning to understand how much damage chronic emotional suppression can do to a person.

I’m Iranian and I grew up in an environment where self expression was always reciprocated with harsh punishment. By the way, to add insult to injury, I’m gay. my homosexuality has only worsened my situation; as you know, Iran is one of the (if not the most) deadliest countries for gays.

So for me, humor, spontaneity, softness, vulnerability and basically happiness felt dangerous very early on. Over time, I became extremely hyper-vigilant and emotionally self-censoring. I learned how to appear composed, serious, untouchable. People often perceive me as calm or intimidating, but internally I’ve spent years operating like someone constantly waiting for emotional danger. If you’ve watched the series “Desperate Housewives”, Bree’s character basically sums me up.

The strange thing is that therapy IS helping.

A lot, actually.

I no longer hate myself the way I used to. I’m less internally violent toward myself. I understand now that many of my behaviors were survival mechanisms, not personality flaws.

But we recently hit a wall in therapy:

I genuinely do not have a safe person in my life.

No one I can consistently trust emotionally.

No one I can fully unmask around.

No one whose presence makes my nervous system feel calm instead of alert.

And apparently at some point, healing stops being purely internal work. Human beings need emotionally safe connection. The nervous system needs evidence that not every relationship will eventually become humiliating, controlling, invasive, or unsafe.

So now I’m in this very strange position where I’m trying to learn safe connection almost from zero as an adult.

I’m Iranian, and being gay in a small town makes me stand out in ways that have often made social environments feel psychologically exhausting. I think years of feeling misunderstood, watched, stereotyped, or emotionally “othered” made me retreat deeply into myself. I became hyper independent, private, and self-contained… which protected me, but also isolated me.

I used to work as a freelancer English tutor until the government shut down the internet and now internet is being sold for astronomical prices, and my being here just goes to show how urgent my situation is.

I’m not posting this for pity or attention; I’m just asking:

Has anyone here ever had to build the concept of “safe connection” completely from scratch as an adult?

And if you did, how did you find your people without losing yourself in the process?

A couple of weeks ago I wondered if there was a list of schemas that were more common in autistic people, I searched the subreddit but couldn't find anything. Luckily I just found this study, so I'm sharing it here for other folks.

Research exploring EMS in Autistic individuals identified the most common EMS presenting in this group as emotional deprivation, insufficient self-control and vulnerability to harm and illness (Oshima et al., 2015). Other highly endorsed EMS included social isolation defectiveness/shame, failure, and mistrust/abuse (Oshima et al., 2015).

Prevalent EMS identified in ADHD individuals include failure, defectiveness/shame, emotional deprivation, subjugation, emotional inhibition, insufficient self-control, and social isolation (Kiraz and Sertçelik, 2021; Philipsen et al., 2017).

Notably, the current research is limited in the fact that no studies have explored Autism and ADHD together in various schema profiles"

I started schematherapy about 3 months ago and we're currently in the phase of identifying schemas, modes and life events that are linked to it. And also building trust.

I read and heard that in the treatment phase there's the imagery rescripting. I was wondering, do you always go back to events in your childhood when you do this? I'm wondering how much space and attention there is for events that happened in adult life, since most of my traumas happened after 18.

Hello everyone. Ive had a chronic personality problem and I’m very much wondering what modes fit with this+ how I can tackle it. I’ve got a crippling need for validation by the opposite gender (and in general). I find it quite hard to come home after a long day and see no text messages from girls. I mean, I survive and do my stuff anyway- but It never seems to fade. I do many fun and meaningful things in a day, I realize romance isn’t the only fullfillment in life, but I still feel quite empty whenever I have no romantic anticipation.

Especially when I’ve had contact with a girl for a period time and then not anymore, it feels like a hard reset. im convinced there’s a mode active here, but I’m not sure which. Any insightd and do you have some schema therapy advice?

I'm finding elements of schema therapy that have been incorporated into my talk therapy really helpful. However, I've noticed that a seemingly significant part of the approach involved analysing your childhood to see where things stem from and what traumas might have led to where you are no etc.

Am I the only one who not only doesn't have any trauma but didn't even have that bad of a childhood? If you are, do you ignore thee parts of the therapy or do you try go digging hahahha

Thank you!

Hello! Thanks to everyone and for this group for existing and sharing. We can do it 🫶

I have had schema therapy in the past year, love it, still working on it.

I know my main schemas and modes, but just now I got a trigger that usually makes me feel REALLY BAD

That is when I am with my partner and other friends, and they ask my partner about their life/job/whatever and they share some brand new important news/information casually to them, while I have not heard that before.

My mind races, “why does my partner not share this funny story from last week with me”, “why share it with Jon Doe before me”, “I didn’t know you were looking for a car”, things like that

I feel excluded, ignored, clueless, naive, not important, or like the other recipients of the info are more important

I shut down, close up, vulnerable child af, try to not annoy but take my distance

Just wanted to rant a bit, and wonder what schemas fit here bc abandonment doesn’t seem to be it

I’ve been seeing my schema therapist for 3 years now and I’m a bit confused about something in the therapeutic relationship and wanted to ask if this is normal within schema therapy.

My therapist reaches out to check on me fairly regularly between sessions, especially when I’m struggling. She never pressures me, never crosses boundaries, and honestly has been one of the safest people I’ve ever known. I’m autistic, have severe trauma, and basically don’t really have anyone else in my life, so sometimes those check-ins make me feel less alone and more emotionally held than I’ve ever experienced before.

At the same time, it also feels very vulnerable and intense for me emotionally, because I’m not used to someone caring or staying present. I think part of me keeps wondering whether this level of contact/checking in is normal for schema therapy specifically, or whether my situation is unusual.

She’s never done anything that felt manipulative or inappropriate, and I genuinely can’t fault her clinically. I think I’m more confused by the emotional impact it has on me than by her behaviour itself.

Is regular therapist check-in/contact something that can happen in schema therapy, especially with severe trauma/attachment issues, autism, etc. Or is this outside what would normally happen in this modality?

I have spoken to her about it, despite her reassurances, I continue to feel confused.

You sit in the chair, and the what happens? How does a session actually looks like?

I read a lot of technical stuff about the modi and the schemas but what actually happens in a session