r/Swingers

As my wife and I have been fantasizing and planning when/where to attend our first party I am becoming increasingly convinced that she just wants to have experiences with other women. Below are some of the things I've noticed.

- She has openly expressed that she is attracted to women, and wants to have sex with a woman.

- she has told me she only masturbates to lesbian porn

- She has openly expressed that I'm really the only guy she's interested in, and playing with a solo male is off the table. She will only entertain the idea of another man if he is part of a couple.

- she has openly fantasized during sex and masturbation about going down on another woman, and the other woman going down on her, but has rarely ever mentioned me or another male when she is fantasizing on her own. On the few occasions she has added me or a male it has felt forced. Like she really has to think about what to say.

- when I ask what I'm doing during roleplay she usually says that I am touching her while she is going down on a woman or the woman is going down on her. I have NEVER been interacting with the imaginary third when she is fantasizing.

- she has openly played with a female friend over the last few years and loves it.

- last night while I was away for work she told me she masturbated while imaging someone going down on her while she ate a woman out. Not ME going down on her, or anyone specific. Just her and a woman clearly defined, and then a random imaginary third.

I brought all of this up to her last night, and how it seems the only consistent theme is that she is with a woman while everything else is a fuzzy detail that we will "figure out later".

She told me I am overthinking things, and that all those other details, particularly where I fit into all of this, would just fall into place once we got somewhere and she could feel the vibe. Meanwhile my brain has gone into full stop mode because I feel like she's only entertaining the lifestyle as a way to have experiences with other women, and there are better ways for us to let her explore that part of her if that's the case.

So am I overthinking, or would others have the same feeling I do?

Hey y’all! We’re an experienced lifestyle couple, but we’re brand new to Reddit and figured it was time to actually join the conversation instead of just lurking 😂

We’ve been in the lifestyle for quite a while and have had some amazing experiences, some interesting ones, and definitely learned plenty along the way.

Curious about everyone else: What’s one thing you know now that you wish you knew when you first got into the lifestyle?

I told my wife I want to make it a goal to get to our first club this year. She’s been trying to find some sexy dresses to wear. Shes plus size, with a large chest….which makes clothes shopping in local stores difficult since they rarely carry her size. She randomly buys dresses on Amazon to try and sometimes she’s found some decent ones. Are there any other online stores that are go-to for this kind of stuff, that also have good easy return policies? Thanks.

As a secondary question…as a guy, what should I wear? Would a polo shirt and khakis be enough with some dress shoes? Or do I need a nicer button down collared shirt? I never really feel comfortable in those but I’d wear one if that was the expectation. Thanks.

Yesterday we visited a couple we've had 3 dates with before (2 kink parties, one club visit). We got back from holiday, figured we sort of missed them and decided to shoot them a message if they would like it if we would drop by for dinner and 'whatever else'. We match with them incredible well and just wanted to see them again.

We didn't expect them to have time on such a short notice but we got a very enthusiastic yes. We had dinner and went back to their home afterwards. We had no expectations; perhaps some hugging and kissing (they had to work the next day, me too).

The dinner was as if we've been friends for ages. Coffee back at their place turned into 4 hours of amazing chemistry in their jacuzzi. When we left, because it was getting really late, it was almost as if the 4 of us were 'in love' together.

The chemistry was insane. The other woman is incredibly beautiful. Curly dark hair and the bluest eyes. The moment we saw each other again, "it" was right there. And the same was true for my wife and the other husband. In addition; both women also spent more time connecting and the chemistry there was undeniably too.

We're not poly nor are we going to be. But while we were driving home late at night, we were talking about how this feels like an amazing deep connection with true friends (who've we only known for about half a year). And also that the vast majority of people (who are monogamous) will never ever experience this.

We only started 2 years ago, and our first full swap was just one year ago. Since then we've had ton of fun encounters. But the 2 couples and one single woman we've become very good friends with extremely good benefits with, are what we see as the biggest enrichment in our lives.

No judgement of course to the "just sex" people; we've done that too and it's a ton of fun. But being able to feel this 'at home' with another couple where somehow everything goes and then you leave feeling so connected, that's just next level for us.

Thanks for reading my post. I don't really have anywhere else to write this, so I hope this might inspire some ;)

Like the title says, my girlfriend and I are completely new to the lifestyle. It has always intrigued us, and we are planning on going to a swinger’s resort sometime next winter. The problem is, we have researched them and are not exactly sure what the best ones are. Are there certain resorts that are more catered to couples? I’m 24, and she’s 21, and we are wondering what ages are common for people at these resorts? We really want to try a full swap, so we want to know if most couples at these resorts are looking to do the same? 

It’s Hump Day! Ask anything you’ve been curious about the swinging lifestyle. Whether you’re barely dipping a toe in or already have the T-shirt and the stories, feel free to ask. Experienced folks, your stories and advice make this better. Not a hookup thread, just a safe spot to chat and learn.

If you're brand new, here are some resources to start with:

[Welcome to the sub!](https://reddit.com/r/Swingers/s/3YXk3ie2dK)

[Swingers Sub Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/s/2BdZ6Qriaa)

[Here is how to search this sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/s/T7DMht2bSp)

me and my gf of 4 almost 5 years have been chatting about cuck/swinging fantasies we both have, ive booked her a surprise trip to Paris in a month or so and plan on proposing there! I’m hoping there is a decent scene in Paris we can explore and I’m hoping we could have our first experience. we both decided if it was ever to happen it would be abroad or away from our home. does anyone have any suggestions or advice for me?

So, i am a single male in his 30s, trying his luck in swinging. I had only one mfm encounter which went pretty well, and one meeting with a middle aged woman as a bull, without the husband. I had sex with a lot of different girls one on one. I usually need a lot of time to cum, basically i can cum whenever i want.

So tonight i was texting with a couple in their 40s, saying they want a guy to come over and fill her pussy. I had to send my face photo, my dick photo, tell my experience, tell if i smoke or not (i don`t). She asked if i know how to turn a woman on (i mean...i guess?), she asked if it ever happend that i couldn`t get hard (i am a male who lost his virginity at 15 and had troubles with anxiety all his life, yeah of course it happened, i am not a machine, but i know my rituals to prevent it). Of course i said that i shouldn`t have problems getting hard if i like the girl. She wanted to see a recent selfie, she wanted to know if i jerked off today. She said one condition is i need to fill up her pussy. She said no kissing, just sex. You fill me up and you go. I asked if i can spit in her mouth, she said no, i said okay. She sends the adress and again writes: you come already hard and you fuck me, my husband watches and you fill me up and then he will continue.

She said call me, i call her, we chat a little, i say i can be there in 1 hour. She calls me again in 10 minutes saying they are horny and i should hurry up. While driving i get a picture of them having sex. I text i`ll be there in 25 minutes. Again i get a text: are you close? I answer: i need 15 minutes. Next message: Just so you know, if something is off when you come, we cancel everything, sorry i should tell you in advance. I said no problem, but what does that mean? She said: we can turn you down if we don`t like you in person. I said no problem. I finally arrive, find the block and apartment. They open, he already naked. I say i just need to wash my hands and take a piss. I ask is everything okay, they say yes, we can start. He says if you do anything inappropriate she can stop everything. She`s already naked waiting for me. Of course i am not hard, i start eating her pussy to turn myself on (and to calm myself down!) and i can taste it is filled with lube. She starts sucking me, i am still not hard. I manage to get a semi erection, i penetrate her and cum in less than 30 seconds. I said i came, they say, okay we will continue. They have sex while i take my stuff, no goodby, nothing. I get one word text after some time: disaster.

I answer: "I agree - it really was. The list of requirements, conditions, and questions was so extensive that anxiety would be lower in any job interview. " They didn`t answer.

So yeah... that was my second mfm and it was quite an awfull experience.

I've been thinking about something that probably applies to a lot of women in swinging, especially women who need a lot of clitoral stimulation and don't get much pleasure from penetration.

We tend to talk about this as though it's mostly a technique problem.

>"Tell him what you like."

>"Use your hands."

>"Add a toy."

>"Communicate better."

All true.

We also see a lot of people asking: "why are all the women bi?"

But I think there's another piece that gets overlooked: the sexual incentives of MF and FF encounters are fundamentally different.

For most men, penetration isn't merely something they're doing for you. It's one of the primary things they personally want from sex. Penetration directly stimulates them.

That creates a very natural overlap when the woman also loves penetration. He wants to penetrate her. She wants to be penetrated. Everybody wins.

If you're a woman who mostly gets pleasure from clitoral stimulation, though, that overlap gets smaller.

Maybe penetration is pleasant but doesn't do much for you. Maybe you tolerate it because your partner enjoys it. Maybe you'd genuinely rather spend most of the encounter kissing, grinding, receiving oral, giving oral, using hands, playing with toys, etc.

There's nothing wrong with that.

But it means an MF swap can contain a built-in mismatch.

The guy can absolutely love eating you out and making you orgasm with his hands. Plenty of men do. But at some point, he's also probably going to want the activity that directly stimulates him: penetration.

Now compare that with FF play.

Another woman can spend an enormous amount of time doing the things that actually work for you without sacrificing the primary way her own genitals get stimulated. There isn't a penis in the equation creating a competing desire to transition toward penetration.

Yes, women can enjoy fingering someone or using a strap-on. But that's not physiologically equivalent to a man penetrating someone with his penis.

A man can literally remove the partner from the equation, replace her with a Fleshlight, and still enjoy penetration because the act itself directly stimulates him.

A woman isn't generally putting on a strap-on alone in her bedroom and thrusting into a Fleshlight because penetrating the Fleshlight is physically stimulating her nonexistent penis.

When a woman enjoys penetrating another woman, much of the reward is usually elsewhere: her partner's reaction, giving pleasure, dominance, intimacy, visual arousal, the psychological experience of being the active partner, etc.

That's an obvious, but not commonly talked-about asymmetry.

And I think it explains something I've noticed in swinging.

Some bisexual women who aren't especially penetration-driven seem to naturally gravitate much harder toward FF play. That doesn't necessarily mean they're secretly lesbians, that their husbands suck in bed, or that they're "doing swinging wrong."

FF sex may simply line up better with the things their bodies actually reward.

Meanwhile, women who genuinely love penetration probably have a huge structural advantage in conventional full-swap swinging. A relatively inexperienced male partner can provide something they intrinsically enjoy without needing to perfectly reproduce a highly specific stimulation pattern.

Obviously there are massive individual differences here. Some women love penetration but still need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Some don't care whether they orgasm with every new partner. Some women are phenomenal at communicating exactly what they need. Some men are extremely patient and attentive. Some women aren't interested in women at all.

I'm not trying to sort every woman into a neat box.

I'm saying that if you're a bisexual woman in the lifestyle thinking:

"Why does swapping with men seem kind of mediocre, while playing with women feels effortless?"

or:

"Why do I need so much more specific attention than everyone else seems to?"

you might not be bad at swinging.

Your sexual reward system may simply have less overlap with what a typical male swap partner is there to do, and substantially more overlap with FF sex.

That seems like useful information to know about yourself instead of repeatedly trying to force yourself into the version of swinging everyone else appears to be doing.

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Edit:

I think people are reading the FF comparison as an endorsement of bisexuality or as me saying women should prefer sex with women. It isn’t.

The point is not “women don’t like penetration.” The point is that men are much more likely to treat penetration as a central requirement of sex, while women vary much more in how important penetration is to them. That difference matters before anyone gets naked.

A woman might love penetration and consider a good hard fucking a major part of what she wants from a swap. Another woman might enjoy it but not care much about it. Another might actively prefer sex centered around slow, gentle clitoral stimulation and barely care about penetration at all.

Those are very different sexual partners. And men need to be just as honest. If what you really want is penetration, and you don’t particularly enjoy spending a long time doing extremely soft, precise clitoral stimulation, say that. Don’t claim you’re “into anything” and then discover halfway through sex that the kind of sex she wants is work you don’t enjoy.

The reverse matters too. Imagine a woman who specifically wants Dick-with-a-capital-D penetration finding out only once the swap starts that her partner has a one-inch penis. Could they still have enjoyable sex? Sure. He has fingers, a mouth, toys, and plenty of other options. But if substantial penetrative sex was an important part of what she wanted, she would probably wish she had known that before agreeing to the swap. That isn’t about shaming his body. It is about disclosing a sexual variable that could materially affect compatibility.

The same principle applies when a woman doesn’t particularly want penetration, needs unusually gentle stimulation, dislikes oral, loves oral, needs toys, wants rough sex, hates rough sex, or anything else that significantly changes what sex with her looks like.

“Communicate” is not enough.

Know what you want. Know what you actually enjoy giving. Tell people the important parts before sex. Keep communicating during sex. Talk afterward if you want to do it again.

The goal isn’t to make everyone compatible. It’s to find out who already has enough overlap that neither person has to discover a major mismatch halfway through the encounter.

TL;DR

The broader point is just: stop treating major sexual preferences like information people are supposed to discover during sex. Talk about them before committing to a swap and stop setting yourself up to be with incompatible partners.

This stuff doesn't get talked about. Hell. A lot of people aren't even aware these sexual pleasure differences exist across the female population.

We are traveling from New England to Colorado in mid September to early October in our motorhome. We are looking for fun places, people and things to do along the way. Lifestyle and nudist suggestions are welcome. Our route can be anything along the north half of the country (think i-70, 80, 90). Due to fuel prices we'd like to stick to convenient locations. Places like northern MI and Minneapolis would be too far of a detour.

The recommendations don't have to be RV specific but obviously that's convenient.

Places we've already been to and are looking for similar: Scarlet Ranch, Secrets, Pandora, Caliente, Haulover, Playalinda, the woods, MAR and private events.

Considering the Korral or TJ's Landing in PA to start trip.

Mooch-docking locations are also a consideration. We love meeting other like minded folks!

Hi. My partner(50m) and I(51f) have dabbled in the lifestyle for a few years. A Few soft swaps, 2 full, one mfm. My partner is very attractive man and an extrovert . Tall and muscular. I am athletic (not slim) and pretty …but I struggle with body dysmorphia, anxiety and feel my partner is way more attractive than me. We don’t play often because I struggle to meet men that I want to play with. My partner is way less picky. He tries to reassure me that he is fine moving at my pace. We have a lot of fun at clubs and take overs but mostly just do our own thing. Though he gets most of the attention and is a social butterfly . I feel a bit invisible. At a recent takeover We met an extremely attractive couple( female half is like a 10/10) in their mid 30s at a takeover. Honestly her beauty and body are quite intimidating. They reached out after the event and we have started chatting. They seem interested into a getting together for a full swap. But my only reservations are they have only done multiple mfms and only one full swap that they said wasnt good. I am in my head thinking they really only want my partner. The male half has made a few references about all of us pleasing his wife. I mentioned that we have only done 2 full swaps. First one wasnt good because the husband was more interested in watch his wife with my partner and that i struggled after that experience . Hoping they would get the hint that would not be tolerated if that was their intent. Though I made light of it so not to dampen the mood. The second full we had was an amazing experience and have become good friends them.
So as it stands I am nervous about another husband poacher. My partner understandably wants to at least meet up and see what happens. But he understands my reservations and doesn’t want to see me get hurt. How would you navigate this situation? How can I prevent another poacher? I am trying not to over think things but I keep thinking negatively. It sucks cause I really want to play.

We just don’t want other people’s stuff on us.

We don't want to start another debate about protected vs bareback but we wanted to see how other couples that prefer bareback handle STI testing. For those of you who play raw and require test panels, how fresh do those results actually need to be for you to feel good about diving in? Do you stick to the same timeline for a brand-new match versus a regular couple you’ve been seeing for a while, and are you checking fresh receipts before every hookup? What about singles? Curious how you all balance keeping things safe without killing the mood

My husband is about 4" and he has voiced his nerves around how potential partners may react or feel about it.

I'm looking for some feedback on personal experiences, so that we know what to expect in this LS setting.

Thanks guys!

My husband and I (both in our 40s) have been in the LS for a while and we’ve noticed something that keeps coming up. It’s getting really hard to find couples where the woman is straight. Almost every couple we talk to, the woman is bi (or at least bi-curious), while the guys are usually straight.
We’re not against bi women at all, but we’re specifically looking for full-swap couples where the woman is only into men. It feels like those couples are becoming rare.
Is this just our experience, or has the lifestyle shifted a lot toward bi women over the last few years? Would love to hear from other couples (especially ones with straight women) if you’re seeing the same thing.

If you’re a couple who attends a club event and know many other people there, are you enjoying dancing/chatting/meeting new people and then playing with whatever couple or person you connect with that asks first (or you ask first) or are you trying to play multiple different times?

Are you a one and done or do you play multiple times with different play partners?

My wife and I went to a lifestyle club for the first time and it was great. Spent a lot of time watching others play and then we went into an open room and had some fun. The experience of seeing others around watching us as we fucked was incredible. Afterwards we continued to watch some other couples in the open beds, when another couple approached us asking if we’d like to play. Said we were down for parallel or soft swap and then we were off.
They were very nice to help us ease into things since it was our first time. I’m sitting next to the other wife talking a little when we both notice that our partners are already heavily making out. We look at each other and went right to it too. No full penetration or oral but a lot of tit sucking and fingering was involved.
It was a great first experience. No regrets. Can’t wait to do it again. So glad we got some bucket list items checked off, especially my wife getting both of her tits sucked at the same time. That look on my wife’s face is one I will never forget.

Has anyone had a partner want to leave the lifestyle?

So a little background,  very happily married for 24 years.  She is my best friend.  About 3 years ago we entered the lifestyle.  Admittedly it hasn't always been easy, we have had ups and downs.  There have been some very emotional moments and some fantastic moments.

We both agree it has brought us closer together, improved our intimacy and communication.  

Over the last few months she has wanted to take a step back and not play with others.  Last weekend she told me she doesnt want to be in the lifestyle anymore and it has been very difficult for me to wrap my head around.

I feel like we had just begun to figure it all out.  It seemed like many of the bumps early in our journey were behind us . We did have a medical scare before we hit the brakes a few months ago. 

Here my issue, I am having a hard time with the decision.  Of course I respect it but I don't understand it.  We have had many long talks about it over the past couple of days but I am having a really hard time. 

She has assured me nothing is going to change but I dont see how that is possible.  I have already seen changes since our break began.  She has always been shy and introverted but she was embracing her sexuality and becoming confident in it.  Since the break began she has gone back into her shell.

I am scared we are going to lose what we have built.  I dont want to lose my sexy vixen of a wife or the intimacy of reconnecting.  I have never felt so close to her. The last 3 years have had some tough times but also some od the best moments or our marriage.

She has said she is willing to continue but it would be for me and not because she wants to.  Of course, I declined that offer.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?  How did you learn to accept it?  Why does it feel like she is throwing away all of the good parts?

Hello! Threesomes (MFM) have always been a fantasy of mine. My wife has recently been open minded and we went to a lifestyle club this weekend to dip our toes into the water.

We met a couple around our age and we hit it off and ended up doing a soft-swap. The issue, the guy that we swapped with (and I’m not sure how to gently or delicately put this) was not able to satisfy the oral portion. Meaning, I was behind, and she was going down on him and was left very unsatisfied. Not by the experience, but the individual we were with. We did end up in the larger play area with quite the audience later that evening and left feeling very good about ourselves and that entire experience.

Chatting the next day, soft swapping is definitely something we would do again, but with the right couple. We’d even look to find another participant for the threesome.

So now where do we go from here? We live in an area that isn’t well known for the LS community. It’s here, but with both of our professions, if we ran into someone from either of our works, it would not end well for our jobs.

We will be booking a trip to Riviera Maya next year, and will travel back out to this LS club on a day trip eventually. Do we look on some of the recommended apps for events or other couples locally?

I appreciate the answers and conversations around this.

The do's, the don't's, your own experience, what has happened to you that my partner and I can learn from?

My partner and I created a private swingers subreddit for the Sacramento area and beyond where only approved couples and women can join. We want to create a legit group to start hosting events, bar crawls, meet and greets, takeovers, etc.

We don't want our group to go stale or bad; Any advice is appreciated!