r/Swingers

We have been in the LS for about 7 years now with involvement around the world. The biggest cringe phrase we hear anymore is that LS people are “non-judgemental” or LS spaces are “no judgement zones.” Do people really believe this? In our opinion, it simply means people just don’t say anything. We all clearly have what we define as normal, right, wrong etc. we think that people in LS are constantly judging others but just know better not to say anything. Or maybe it’s just the term judgement is blurred with the term preference? If we all didn’t judge then wouldn’t connections be easier, sex happen more often and people be less anxious? Aren’t we all pretty much just a cross section of the rest of the world with an extra filter on what we say?

This is the female half of our couple, and I have to say, it is so hard to find attractive, fit and clean men in the scene. The women are absolutely gorgeous! So many of them take time for their appearance and also take time to pick a nice outfit. The men are often sloppy with big bellies, grotesque toenails, no effort in outfit and look like they haven’t cared to work out in years. Why is there such low effort in the majority of men? My spouse and I both work hard to be an evenly matched fit and attractive couple but have yet to find this in others. We even live on the west coast where people usually take fitness more seriously.

A few years ago, I posted as a non-swinger looking for thoughts from people in the lifestyle about people who are not in the lifestyle attending your events. That would be us. We have a lot of swinger friends, enjoy hanging with our swinger friends, and enjoy parties filled with swingers.

When I mentioned this on a forum a while ago, I didn't get many replies, but those that I did get were negative. They tended to be along the lines of "get lost!" And while I totally understand that, I wanted to do a better job of explaining this time around and see what you thought.

We are firmly in the "over 40" age demographic. For people who love to dance, drink, and party, the options are few and far between. And if you like to go to themed parties and dress for the theme, the options are nonexistent. My wife loves to dress sexy, flirt, dance, and just about everything associated with the lifestyle except the actual "lifestyle". I am similar.

So, with that said, would you tolerate people like us showing up to your parties, or would it upset you? My friends make it sound like it's no big deal and encourage us to come, but then again, they are our friends. I'm curious to see what a non-friend would think.

My fiancée and I are both 24 and new to the lifestyle. We’ve done MFM twice now and honestly had a great time both times. The issue hasn’t been during — it’s been after.

For context, my fiancée is very outgoing and naturally friendly/social, and she’s also very attractive, so we understand that attention can come with the territory. But both situations ended up feeling way too personal way too quickly.

One example: one guy started texting her constantly asking to meet again multiple times. We may have been open to seeing him again, but then it got weird fast. We mentioned we were going out of town to watch our alma mater in the CFP, and he said he could buy a ticket and come with us. We told him no, that it was just something for us. The next week he invited my fiancée (not me) on a vacation to Florida. At that point we both felt it crossed a line, so we blocked him.

The second guy wasn’t quite as extreme, but he kept asking to hang out 2–3 times a week. He saw on social media that my fiancée and I were out at a club with friends and asked which one so he could come. I told him no, we were out with friends. After a couple weeks of that behavior, we blocked him too.

So, I guess my question is: is this common when you’re newer to the lifestyle and meeting single guys, or have we just had bad luck? We’re very into the experience itself, but the attachment/clinginess afterward has been a huge turnoff.

**1-Star Review – Absolutely Do NOT Recommend Pandora Resort**

I stayed at Pandora Resort with my wife hoping for a relaxing getaway, but it turned into one of the worst experiences of our lives. I would not recommend this place to anyone — even if it were the last resort on earth.

The biggest issue is safety. My wife was sexually assaulted while we were there. The staff’s response was completely inadequate, and it ruined our trip entirely. No one should have to go through something like that on what’s supposed to be a vacation.

The cleanliness is an absolute nightmare. The cabins are full of mold, which was obvious the moment we walked in. The hot tub/jacuzzi had no chlorine at all, and the pump wasn’t even working. I’m someone who normally repairs things for free when I see them broken, but the condition here was beyond help. The electrical system is terrible too — constant flickering lights, outlets that didn’t work, and it felt genuinely unsafe.

On top of everything, the management is a huge problem. Celina seems to cover for the people she likes and ignores legitimate complaints. The owner is equally unresponsive and unprofessional. It’s clear they don’t care about guest safety or basic standards.

We left early and will never return. Pandora Resort has serious issues with safety, maintenance, cleanliness, and management. Save your money and go somewhere else. This place is not worth the risk.

**Update: ** I’ve reported the assault to the proper authorities. Guests deserve better.

Let's see if it's a geographic problem.

In my region (PNW) we find a good number of sexy partnered men in the lifestyle. That is not my rant. Also I've found most single guys are fit, pleasant, and very careful to respect boundaries. But I do have a complaint: lumberjack beards! They disqualify so many men. I just do not want to get with a guy whose beard could soak up a whole bowl of soup.

PSA for reasonably fit dudes: please for the love of God trim your beard so ladies like me will want to fuck you. (Unfortunately ladies who love the ZZ Top look, apparently a surprisingly large group, won't want to fuck you anymore.)

And another problem I am having is that lots of attractive and interesting guys just don't bring it that hard in the bedroom. Or at least not nearly as hard as my husband. Yes I do pivot back to my husband and we often enjoy a bit of FFM fun while the other guy is resting but that's not as exciting to me as a more well balanced dynamic.

The last couple of ladies we played with got this look like they hit the jackpot and were eager to schedule another playdate. I enjoyed spending time with them and their witty, well groomed partners but I'm really looking for more play in my playdates.

Anybody else want to gripe about this with me? 😂 Beard gripes also welcome! (Pro or con, your choice.)

Hey everyone,
My husband and I (52) have been in the lifestyle since before we got married, so we’ve been at this for over 22 years now.

Over the decades, we’ve been lucky enough to build up a really close group of trusted friends.
They’re truly deep, long-lasting friendships that also happen to be spicy.
Since Covid we haven’t really hit up the clubs anymore, and we only play maybe 2 or 3 times a year now, always at private events.

Our absolute favorite thing we do is a big group vacation every June.
We rent a house in Tuscany for two weeks with our core group, usually about 6 to 10 couples.
It’s just amazing quality time where we can all relax, hang out, and be totally free with people we trust completely.
Now that the vacation is coming closer, my husband and I were talking about how incredibly grateful we are for this group with the same taste for high quality experiences and how much we share the same values.
It made us curious: are there other established groups out there doing this exact same thing?
Or did we just get super lucky building this over the last 20 years?
Would love to hear if anyone else has a "chosen family" like this and does regular trips together!

My GF and I have wanted to get a bit adventurous by having an MFM.

But she is only comfortable at the moment with giving/receiving oral and no vaginal penetration. In time she wants to do DP but with only the other guy in her ass.

We’re wondering what would be the best way to have our first encounter?

1. Go to a club in Berlin and see whether there’s a guy who’d be down for a BJ. This could allow us to have no strings attached. If it doesn’t work out like we hoped we can leave without things getting awkward.

2. Or the second option is arranging it in advance with a guy and it being a bit more structured in a hotel.

How have others started and what option would be best in your view?

I’m curious how others here handle this.

I’ve had oral HSV-1 (cold sores) pretty much my whole life. It used to flare up only a few times a year, but since my partner and I became more active in swinging with others, it seems to get triggered much more often and that worries me.

Of course I am not active if I feel symptoms coming on or have an active cold sore, but mentally I do worry a lot about possibly transmitting it to others. Especially because I sometimes develop a cold sore 24-48 hours after contact, even if it was “just” kissing. It already ruined one really nice club night for me. I had a great experience with someone there, but about 30 hours later a cold sore appeared and I completely spiraled because I had no way of contacting the woman I had kissed and briefly gone down on that night.

We’re also ramping up our experiences a bit, and I really enjoy giving oral (both man and women). So I’m trying to find a balance between being responsible and not constantly being stuck in anxiety/fear around HSV transmission.

I’ve read that some people use suppressive therapy with valacyclovir or acyclovir to:

• reduce outbreaks
• and possibly lower transmission risk as well

So I’m curious:

• do others here use suppressive therapy?
• daily or only around dates/events?
• what dosage?
• has it helped?
• and how do you personally approach disclosure with oral HSV-1, considering how incredibly common it already is?

Mostly interested in real-life experiences from people in non-monogamous/swinger spaces. I’ve already done a lot of reading on the medical/statistical side of this, so I’m mainly looking for practical experiences and perspectives.

And yes, I’m aware that a large part of the population already carries HSV-1, that a first outbreak can take weeks or even months to appear, and that suppressive therapy is never a 100% guarantee.

I also understand that swinging always involves some level of risk. I’ve done a lot of reading on this topic already. But having dealt with this virus myself for most of my life makes me very determined to do whatever I reasonably can to reduce the chance of transmitting it to others who still don't have it.

Thank you for sharing your experience!

When my wife and I got into the LS, we did so primarily wanting novelty, some level of anonymity and detachment after the fact. We did repeat some partners in the first couple years but for the most part we were "sport fuckers."

Over the years, this has pretty much 180'ed and we find ourselves deeply enjoying intimacy, sensuality, closeness and barrier free play with our partners.

With a few of them we've experimented with swapping beds overnight entirely and spending the night sleeping with, cuddling, intermittently fucking and being close to one another's partners, which has been really great. There have also been a few instances where we've all shared a single bed cuddled up in a puppy pile overnight.

How common is this? I realize this is probably avoided by some because of the risk of emotional attachment, and frankly that is a real concern, but one we've found ourselves increasingly comfortable with when the 4-way trust is there.

I would not call us polyamorous, we definitely enjoy variety and novelty, but feelings of love have formed, which we don't necessarily fear. For the record, we only do the overnights together and it's usually 2 beds in the same room, except for one couple we'll spend the night in different bedrooms with. We don't play separately.

Do many of you guys do the same or do you prefer to part ways after play?

Ok please don't attack me, insult, belittle I just need some advice.... I f(39) have been with my man(39) for 22 years we've had ups and downs like anyone really. Nothing about swinging has ever been talked about until recently. I have caught him talking to ppl online about meeting up and it happens often. He tells me he wants to swing and that what he does on his phone isn't any of my business and that it isn't real it's his fantasy land. Ok well I'm just not ok with that cuz it hurts me. But then he says he wants to start swinging that it'll help our relationship. But idk if he is serious or if he is just looking for permission to be able to fuck someone other then me. I was told that if there is jealousy and problems in the relationship to start that bring in others is not how to fix it?? I just wanna be happy with him and the swinging thing I could do but I think we need to heal from this first. Any advice??? Thanks

We are doing our first weekend trip with another couple yay!

We are renting a camper at a lifestyle camp ground for the guys birthdays. But we want help making it specail.

We are a soft swap , parallel play style couple ( very new to LS)

The camp ground has 2 dances while we are there. Us girls already plan to match for at least 1 of the dances, but we want the bday boys to have a GREAT bday.

Any ideas.

Us girls are blanking lmao

Thanks in advance ❤️

Edit: girl play whenever usually all the time. The guys cant penatrate.

It’s Hump Day! Ask anything you’ve been curious about the swinging lifestyle. Whether you’re barely dipping a toe in or already have the T-shirt and the stories, feel free to ask. Experienced folks, your stories and advice make this better. Not a hookup thread, just a safe spot to chat and learn.

If you're brand new, here are some resources to start with:

[Welcome to the sub!](https://reddit.com/r/Swingers/s/3YXk3ie2dK)

[Swingers Sub Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/s/2BdZ6Qriaa)

[Here is how to search this sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/s/T7DMht2bSp)

My wife and I will be in Cabo this weekend. Any suggestions/advice on how to determine if another couple might be interested in connecting?

MF Couple from Tiverton Rhode Island here! 30 and 29!

We're curious how often other couples are swinging. With it being called the 'lifestyle' we wonder if people are doing this regularly. We dont have a lot of opportunities because New England isnt super swinger friendly, and the local clubs are...so so. We typically go to Secrets Hideaway in Florida once a year for our anniversary but we're curious how other couples fair with locations like ours where its not very common compared to other areas. Just wondering what the average is, really if its truly a lifestyle and very often or if its more like us and its a special occasion! Happy Swinging!

My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years. He was previously married and was apart of the swinging community. He is much more sexually open and comfortable than I am but after giving it considerable thought I know that wouldn’t be an interest of mine to share my partner with others. I am on the other hand curious and open to an exhibitionism and being watched. My partner is always asking me what I’m into and what I want to try and even though I am completely comfortable with him sexually the topic of sex/kinks makes me extremely shy and I’m trying to open up more and communicate better about my desires and trying something new. Looking for any advice on how to bring up the conversation and what questions I could possibly ask(since he does have more experience in the lifestyle than I do). And also looking for opinions of those in the lifestyle and their thoughts on couples who don’t want to share but want to be apart of the community and watch/be watched.

I just can’t seem to cum with a condom on. Anyone else have this issue and figure something out?

TL;DR:
My partner and I wanted a shared kink/ENM experience with a straight dom/sub couple, but the setup naturally split into separate pairings and the other woman unexpectedly introduced a much deeper emotional dynamic with me. Now my partner fears it’s turning into parallel solo experiences, while I feel overwhelmed trying to manage a dynamic I never wanted to become this emotionally heavy.

Full context:
I (41M) and my partner (45F) are relatively new to emotionally layered ENM/kink spaces. We’re both bi/pan and usually imagine group intimacy as collaborative and fluid

The other couple is very straight and role-defined:
•he is a seasoned sadistic dom
•she is his long-term sub into heavy D/s, CNC etc.

My partner was excited about exploring submission with him because he’s experienced, restrained and psychologically grounded

But importantly: she wanted it to feel like a \*shared experience\* between us. She wanted me around co-domming, suggesting, watching, participating, grounding her when uncertainty/newness makes her tense. That excites me too as it fulfils my fantasy of watching her and relishing the moment

But structurally the room naturally splits into:
• my partner + the dom
• me + his sub

So it already started feeling less like a shared mesh and more like two parallel dyads

Initially I imagined my interaction with the other woman staying lighter/playful/tender while the emotional center remained on me and my partner exploring together

Then things became more layered. The other woman started joking in the group about feeling left out while discussions focused more on my partner’s dynamic with her dom. My partner suggested maybe I should help include her more

I openly said in the group that I’m autistic and genuinely struggle with rapidly shifting emotional focus in multi-person situations, but I was open to hearing what works for her

At one point her dom said:
“She’ll do what I say.”

She replied:
“So I’m a sheep?”

And he replied:
“Yes, you are, slut.”

That clarified how established and asymmetrical their D/s dynamic already is !!

The next day she privately messaged me saying the more she imagined “dom/sub” dynamics between us, the more tense her body became. She described sex as emotionally deep/raw/primal, said “the body keeps score,” wanted slowness and uncertainty instead of predefined roles, and basically wanted to let things emerge naturally between us instead of treating BDSM as the starting point

It was honest and thoughtful. But now everything feels psychologically reorganized

Because now:
• my partner fears this is becoming “parallel solo experiences”

• I feel pressure to emotionally include/manage someone I originally thought would stay inside her existing dom/sub structure

• the original fantasy of sharedness/voyeurism/co-domming feels blurry

• the emotional bandwidth required suddenly feels massive

And honestly? I’m overwhelmed.

I’m not emotionally fascinated by the other woman. I’m not trying to rescue her or build another relationship

I wanted:
To witness my partner exploring something intense/new
stay emotionally connected to her through it
engage lightly/playfully/tenderly with the other woman
keep the center of gravity on me and my partner

Instead it now feels like I’m somehow responsible for ensuring another person feels emotionally included/safe while simultaneously trying not to lose my own partner in the room

My partner has now said:
“If this becomes bandwidth allocation and emotional management, then this stops feeling like a shared experience for us.”

And I think she’s right

At the same time, I understand the other woman’s perspective too: she likely doesn’t want to feel like a side character while her dom and my partner have a more clearly defined dynamic

So I genuinely don’t know how experienced ENM/kink people navigate this kind of asymmetrical setup

Questions:

1. Has anyone dealt with a situation where one person wanted emotionally emergent intimacy while the others approached things more structurally/playfully?

2. Is this a compatibility mismatch between fluid bi/pan dynamics and rigid straight pair structures?

3. At what point does “being considerate” become emotional over-functioning?

4. Is overwhelm itself a sign the structure may simply not fit what my partner and I actually want?

5. How do you preserve “us-ness” in group play when logistics naturally split everyone into separate pairs?

I flaired this as single female discussion, although that makes me uncomfortable. But I think that’s the best flair.

I am someone assigned female at birth. This means I have a vagina and breasts (At least as of this post, I do eventually want top surgery).

I am very sexual and I thoroughly enjoy engaging with the lifestyle when I can. But I do struggle as a transgender person (for educational purposes: nonbinary falls under the transgender umbrella because a nonbinary person does not identify with their sex assigned at birth). Also for educational purposes: “cishet” means cisgender and heterosexual.

I am actively and regularly looking for play partners, and so I seek different communities to meet my needs.

I rarely play with swingers. And I’m wondering if swingers when seeking a single play partner are only interested in vuvlar anatomy that belongs to a cisgender woman. What I mean is that I wonder if swingers are primarily heteronormative.

Are swingers interested in playing with someone with vulvar anatomy that is transgender/nonbinary?

So I’m a person that has a vagina, and likes to use my vagina, but I also take testosterone as gender affirming healthcare. This means I have started to grow facial hair. I also do not conform with “feminine” grooming standards, so I don’t shave my armpits, legs, or vulvar region. (Honestly I wish more cishet women did this too, but that is another topic for another sub).

I find that I am a willing, able, open and slutty unicorn, but swingers are too heteronormative to be interested in me. So I’m seeking advice. I am located in a major metropolitan area (near/in Los Angeles County, and I can find play partners, but I never find cishet couples to play with.)

Should I just stop looking for cishet couples to play with? Should I just stick to the communities where I have had the most success (typically bisexual men and gay men on Grindr… but other communities are welcoming to me)?

Please be kind. I’m not trying to debate the validity of my identity with anyone. Instead I’m trying to figure out if THIS community is a community where I should spend my energy on.

I will say that what I need when I have sex is: (1) not to be feminized (don’t call me feminine pet names); (2) I love queer relationships, so if both the woman and man are interested in me it feels very queer for me. In my mind, I’m having a gay experience with the guy and a lesbian experience with the woman; it totally fulfills my nonbinary slutty desires. (3) and that’s its! I really just need to be acknowledged as a person that is not quite female and not quite male… and then I want all the slutty fun. But I have not had luck so far.

——

Again, any advice that is not bigotry is welcomed.

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Edit: to be clear I am absolutely okay with one time encounters. I have zero issues with a single encounter. I am not seeking an on-going relationship. That is too much for my desires. Where I struggle is with advocacy for my sexual needs (primarily: no feminine pet names). But otherwise, a one time encounter is totally fine.