r/Unclejokes

Community Cervix

Sounds to me like he got off too easy.

I came in 2nd afterwards.

Apparently, going on a date shouldn’t be called “I’m having a beer with my flatmate”

"I'm so sorry, babe" he replied. "I wasn't thinking straight."

I can’t jelly my dick in your ass

“You know, one would have been enough.”

"This is the brewery," says the voice on the other line. "Your husband's dead."

"What happened?" asks the woman.

"This morning, shortly after arriving at work, your husband slipped and fell into a vat and died of drowning."

"My husband's been dead for six or seven hours, and you're telling me now?!"

"He hasn't been dead that long. He died only five or ten minutes ago."

"Impossible! People don't take that long to drown!"

"Well, you see, he climbed out of the vat three times to take a leak."

Putin dies and goes to hell.

After a few years, he gets one day off for good behavior.

He decides to visit Moscow, walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

Curious, he asks the bartender:

“Is Crimea ours?”

“Yes, it is.”

“And Donbas?”

“Ours too.”

Putin leans in.

“What about Kyiv?”

“Yep. We got that too.”

Putin smiles, clearly pleased with what he’s hearing. He finishes his drink and asks:

“Excellent. How much do I owe you?”

The bartender replies:

“Five euros.”

Knowing the brunette can’t swim, the blonde dives into the pool and rescues her from drowning.

After the party, the blonde goes home, feeling proud of herself for saving someone’s life. Just as she arrives home, the phone rings.

The brunette’s husband is on the other line. “I used to think blondes were dumb,” he says, “but I guess I was wrong! Unfortunately, after you rescued my wife, she hanged herself.”

“She didn’t hang herself,” replied the blonde. “I hung her up to dry.”

One had a tale of two cities, and the other has a sale of two titties.

It gives new meaning to the term “Fist a Cuffs.”

If I'm going to be impotent, I think I should look impotent.

I’m worried he’ll never finish his sentence

they read lips