u/-Windows7

For the past 2 years I've been thinking about if im asexual or not i've been searching about it and trying to qet to understand it more but I end up more confused and I don't see much that fits me so please if you know help me out

Why i believe im asexual

1-Im mostlv never comfortable with anything sexua whether it's content. talk or iokes I alwavs try to avoid it whenever I talk to someone or clarify that im not comfortable with it

2-I've never developed any crush in my life never understood why people did or what went through thier mind when they sav that

3-I don't understand beauty standards or what's being called attractive. Whenever im in group and thev all agree that someone is attractive i alwavs feel odd or left out i even sometimes say that they aren't which people tell me i have bad taste

Why i believe i may not ( my confusion):

1- i actually would like to have a partner i don't mind if I never ,but im mostly leaning towards wantin

2-i somewhat have a tvpe or preference. I mostly find myself attracted to men with bigger bodies but cute feathers like having round face or cheeks kinda makes me feel warm

3- i like romance. Cute ideas or dates, teasing and playing around, cuddles ,huas and kisses . I find myself feeling butterflies whenever I think about it

4-I find my partner attractive to look at? Im not sure if this is attraction or appeal. I just find myself feeling happy whenever I see him and it brings me warms when 1 look at him and his body

5-i enjoy company and emotional bond and i feel like this is my core feeling of warmth and romance. I care alot about the personality and i don't find myself getting "attracted" to anyone unless after spending alot of time together and getting to know them much

However as soon as anything turns sexual I feel like shutting off i almost rarely find myself getting turned by it

For the past 2 years I've been thinking about if im asexual or not I've been searching about it and trying to get to understand it more but I end up more confused and I don't see much that fits me so please if you know help me out

Why i believe im asexual:

1-Im mostly never comfortable with anything sexual whether it's content, talk or jokes I always try to avoid it whenever I talk to someone or clarify that im not comfortable with it

2-I've never developed any crush in my life never understood why people did or what went through thier mind when they say that

3-I don't understand beauty standards or what's being called attractive. Whenever im in group and they all agree that someone is attractive i always feel odd or left out i even sometimes say that they aren't which people tell me i have bad taste

Why i believe i may not ( my confusion):

1- i actually would like to have a partner i don't mind if I never ,but im mostly leaning towards wanting it

2- i somewhat have a type or preference. I mostly find myself attracted to men with bigger bodies but cute feathers like having round face or cheeks kinda makes me feel warm

3- i like romance. Cute ideas or dates, teasing and playing around, cuddles ,hugs and kisses . I find myself feeling butterflies whenever I think about it

4- I find my partner attractive to look at? Im not sure if this is attraction or appeal . I just find myself feeling happy whenever I see him and it brings me warms when I look at him and his body

5- i enjoy company and emotional bond and i feel like this is my core feeling of warmth and romance. I care alot about the personality and i don't find myself getting "attracted" to anyone unless after spending alot of time together and getting to know them much

However as soon as anything turns sexual I feel like shutting off i almost rarely find myself getting turned by it

This is kinda odd for me whenever im waiting for the bus or waiting for someone or even eating out alone i always pretend to be on my phone

Sometimes I just wanna sit there and look around at the nature but I don't wanna look like im lonely especially when I look around and find people having their own thing to do

I had one time a random person came up to me when I was sitting alone gazing into the place offering me to come and sit with thier friends instead of alone

I kinda felt embarrassed about it ever since then I pretend to be staring at my phone screen even if it's blank or closed

I have anhedonia and im scared it will soon be depression.

I was alone most of my life and neglected since I was the middle child and the stereotype was real for me. I honestly always craved making genuine connections with friends since i never got to get that from my family. And it wasn't that I was hard to be around I was the complete opposite. People liked me and admitted that I was unique and enjoyed my company

But things changed after the pandemic. I never understood what happened it became harder and harder to connect with people and it almost felt like no one cared anymore about connections. I soon started to cope with daydreaming and playing video games trying to make up for what I've felt

During college it was fresh for me i managed to make a friend group and for the first time in my life I got to feel what it felt like to be loved by people to be cared for .but unfortunately that didn't last and the ground ended in betrayal and hurt for me

Going back to my old coping mechanisms didn't work for me because how can I go back after I experienced life and true feelings. I soon stopped finding joy in anything and it became harder and harder for me to be happy.

The friends I was left with weren't as close to me and given my state It was hard for me to try to maintain the friendships . I wasn't super close for them to listen to my problems and if I did it felt like traumadumping

After few days of talking to one of them about my problems they ended up telling me that they don't wanna continue further with me because they didn't sign up for that so they left . Im now scared of trying to talk about my feelings with any of my remaining friends trying to at least get over what I have before talking to them. But it's truly hard for me to do this all alone on my own

I've always manged to do everything alone I've always manged to get back on track but this time im afraid I can't do this alone .

Im scared of losing myself. Im scared of losing what I have left

But what hurts me the most is ..who's scared of losing me?