u/2BTransparent

I hope my cautionary tale can help a younger woman frozen and stuck in an unfulfilling and abusive marriage.

TLDR Me /F65 him, 64/M64. Married 32 years. Finally realize some things cannot be fixed even when love is there.

Getting a LOT of therapy prior to marriage is so important. Our traumas can make a partner seem perfect, when actually what you are attracted to about them is that they somehow give you something you lacked growing up. My parents were cruel and abusive and pushed me away growing up. It left me feeling very unlovable.

I was never so happy than I was my husband I agreed to marry. And during my 1.5 year engagement my partner was affectionate and supportive of me. Never a mean bone in his body. FYI I had not met his (extended) family until right before we married, they lived far away till when we married. After I met them things shifted away from me and have never returned.

My husband (STBX) was/is charming, sweet and funny. Super bright. Everything I never had to stand by me in a very hard childhood. I could not believe my good fortune someone as kind and lovely as he was would marry me.

But then as life dished out challenges over time, post marriage, I realized things were very off. But I stayed. I was desperate to make our marriage work. I had a huge fear of abandonment. So I stayed and I tried to fix things on my own.

For instance he could never bring himself to stand up for me to his emotionally abusive family. They treated me like a punching bag in his face to show him they disapproved of his choice of wife (me) and they wanted me to see they still had emotional control over him knowing he was paralyzed in speaking back to them. After now 32 years he has never said “Boo,” to them.

I felt like I was unlovable and just kept trying to get him to turn a leaf and stand up for me.
I can’t even begin to describe the years of snark, insults, petty snubs and put downs I’ve stiff upper lipped in his family. They were even more overt in being mean than my misogynistic, closeted dad - who my mom worshiped and did whatever he said.

Now I just don’t care about WHY people would do this.

And I’ve stopped caring if STBX will finally man up and create a boundary with his f’d up family. Unfortunately I just no longer care. Which means I also don’t care about him either.

At this point I have ceased caring what those tarantulas think about me or anything and I’ve ceased caring if he will protect me from
harm. He won’t and never has. He’s a marshmallow person who seeks to keep the peace with everyone putting me in trouble’s way all the time. I now have zero true love for him. I duked it out all this time waiting for the day the kids will have flown and grown and his parents weren’t making so many demands that triangulated our marriage but in the end all it did was teach me nobody changes unless they really want to change and to honor your guts. As a trauma survivor I did not know all the many times things felt “wrong” was truly a RED FLAG till much much later. Now I’m 65 and had enough time and perspective to see how many years I’ve sold myself short.

All the insults and rejection and cruelty I experienced growing up made the in-law abuse feel familiar enough that it froze me from leaving. Maybe it was all my fault. It must be if two sets of parents loathed me.

and I just tried to explain to my husband with several different couples therapists over decades help us and explain to him that his non action and very destructive to me. Now? I’m just burnt out.

My bad. I chose to stay and that was my decision. It really took my turning 65 to finally see everything clearly.

The moral of my story is, if you think something is unfair and that say so but your spouse does nothing to change, GO! Don’t delay waiting and hoping he/she will change. Unless people beg for forgiveness and show you they go to therapy but actually ARE WANTING to do the work, unless they are actively doing what they say they want to do, then you are wasting your youth and time on a taker. A passive-aggressive taker. Move on. Save yourself. Find joy elsewhere.

I’m leaving finally. But I’m worn out.

I hope my cautionary tale can help a younger woman frozen and stuck in an unfulfilling and abusive marriage.

Getting a LOT of therapy prior to marriage is so important. Our traumas can make a partner seem perfect, when actually what you are attracted to about them is that they somehow give you something you lacked growing up. My parents were cruel and abusive and pushed me away growing up. It left me feeling very unlovable.

I was never so happy than I was my husband I agreed to marry. And during my 1.5 year engagement my partner was affectionate and supportive of me. Never a mean bone in his body. FYI I had not met his (extended) family until right before we married, they lived far away till when we married. After I met them things shifted away from me and have never returned.

My husband (STBX) was/is charming, sweet and funny. Super bright. Everything I never had to stand by me in a very hard childhood. I could not believe my good fortune someone as kind and lovely as he was would marry me.

But then as life dished out challenges over time, post marriage, I realized things were very off. But I stayed. I was desperate to make our marriage work. I had a huge fear of abandonment. So I stayed and I tried to fix things on my own.

For instance he could never bring himself to stand up for me to his emotionally abusive family. They treated me like a punching bag in his face to show him they disapproved of his choice of wife (me) and they wanted me to see they still had emotional control over him knowing he was paralyzed in speaking back to them. After now 32 years he has never said “Boo,” to them.

I felt like I was unlovable and just kept trying to get him to turn a leaf and stand up for me.
I can’t even begin to describe the years of snark, insults, petty snubs and put downs I’ve stiff upper lipped in his family. They were even more overt in being mean than my misogynistic, closeted dad - who my mom worshiped and did whatever he said.

Now I just don’t care about WHY people would do this.

And I’ve stopped caring if STBX will finally man up and create a boundary with his f’d up family. Unfortunately I just no longer care. Which means I also don’t care about him either.

At this point I have ceased caring what those tarantulas think about me or anything and I’ve ceased caring if he will protect me from
harm. He won’t and never has. He’s a marshmallow person who seeks to keep the peace with everyone putting me in trouble’s way all the time. I now have zero true love for him. I duked it out all this time waiting for the day the kids will have flown and grown and his parents weren’t making so many demands that triangulated our marriage but in the end all it did was teach me nobody changes unless they really want to change and to honor your guts. As a trauma survivor I did not know all the many times things felt “wrong” was truly a RED FLAG till much much later. Now I’m 65 and had enough time and perspective to see how many years I’ve sold myself short.

All the insults and rejection and cruelty I experienced growing up made the in-law abuse feel familiar enough that it froze me from leaving. Maybe it was all my fault. It must be if two sets of parents loathed me.

and I just tried to explain to my husband with several different couples therapists over decades help us and explain to him that his non action and very destructive to me. Now? I’m just burnt out.

My bad. I chose to stay and that was my decision. It really took my turning 65 to finally see everything clearly.

The moral of my story is, if you think something is unfair and that say so but your spouse does nothing to change, GO! Don’t delay waiting and hoping he/she will change. Unless people beg for forgiveness and show you they go to therapy but actually ARE WANTING to do the work, unless they are actively doing what they say they want to do, then you are wasting your youth and time on a taker. A passive-aggressive taker. Move on. Save yourself. Find joy elsewhere.

I’m leaving finally. But I’m worn out.

TLDR Fiscal infidelities. Over a 32 year marriage.

TLDR Cheats on taxes twice, each time gets worse depletes our savings.

Says he loves me but over time lies continue and he refuses to save money or EVER discuss retirement (I’m 65, he is 64.) He wants to keep doing his “fun job,” which isn’t lucrative but something he says he wants to do as long as they let him.

I’m sad, disillusioned and don’t think I can’t remain his wife but leaving, too, makes me sick with fear and worry. It is precarious at my age to leave with a health issue and with no savings.

I have not been able to work much, and only have SSDI due to a serious autoimmune disease but pulled off the full time job raising our two kids with plenty of complications, health wise. Autism, life threatening food allergies, bipolar disorder, OCD, it’s been a lot as a mom.

Meanwhile my husband is often away working at a glamorous though not necessarily lucrative “dream job” in the entertainment sector. He is sympathetic but offers no help respite or fair and loving compensation in the form of time alone together or dinner parties with friends or anything, etc.

Now my children are adults and have never seen dad whisk mom away ever or even throw one birthday party for her. They don’t know what that looks like.

I have been a three decade+ SAHM, formerly a passionate, talented artist and a loving, devoted mom who used her creativity to feed and dress the kids in style with love so they would never feel poor despite having no extra income but always making them feel good about themselves and celebrated.

He never discusses feelings, he is upbeat, breezy and kind yet not substantive. He is funny and warm yet 100% conflict averse. The good cop at all times. 100% I had to be the heavy weight at home.

I always assumed despite flaws he was still transparent, honest and good. Just oddly awkward about “emotional conversations.” I thought we had a slightly okay arrangement I would handle most/all of the family and emotional work, dole out the discipline he would go to work even if it meant being away from home often, day and night and that’s okay as long as I have a husband kinder and more steady and trustworthy than mine ever was. It meant we had kids that I could love with abandon which made up for a lot. It meant I would gladly compensate because who else would want a sick wife who also brought no notable income to the table?

After the second decade of marriage, which did have ups and downs, I wasn’t perfect, I nagged him more and more the less I felt seen and heard. I’m not proud of being so obviously unhappy and demanding to his shut door act. I know our growing conflicts were making the kids sad.

In 2015 the State Tax Franchise froze my bank account and took my money - completely out of the blue.

I called him at work that day and ask, “why did the bank say the IRS froze my account?” He calmly said, he had no idea but I should go and call them to figure it out.

It turned out that he never paid property taxes and lied to me to hide this. The state tax franchise woman on the phone said they go after the spouse when it’s clear the husband isn’t responding to them.

His actions cost us our 401k that year. And we still had to ask for help from our parents.

That event was ugly and bad. It shook us.
I felt he’d never want to suffer that again. We went into therapy. Said it would never happen again, he’d learned from his mistakes.

In 2020 my mother had a terrible accident, brain damage from botched surgery which 18 mos later became Alzheimer’s. The kids finally were on their own so I had flexibility. I often flew across country to care for mom. She has nobody else. I am an only child.

I start spending long periods of time away and warn him “Please no money mistakes again. I had to put my name on mom’s bank account now, because I’m her POA. “

No, of course not he says, looking bewildered and hurt.

From Covid’s start till now I am away from one coast more than I am at home. He doesn’t seem to particularly miss me much. During this time, though, I have little idea about what’s in the mail. I just trust him to handle everything. We spoke every day.

A few mos ago, while on the coast at my house I intercept a letter from IRS. It said we owed for 2024. I inquired what that meant.

He says no worries it must be clerical error and he’ll fix it. My gut is in a knot though. I suspect something is off. It is my biggest fear and he knows it. But to want to trust him. Nobody as smart as he is would dare go through what we endured over our non-payment of property taxes a decade earlier.

I wait for his follow up. He says he accidentally used the wrong SS# number, all fixed now. Good to go.

My instinct prompts me to hire a tax professional pronto. I find one for 3K who tells us he is going to phone the IRS that afternoon in a three way call w/us on speaker phone.

Husband hears this plan and jumps up from his seat and come stand very close
to me and says, “Well, if you’re doing that then you really won’t like what I’m about to tell you.”

“There’s more.”
“More what,” I ask.
“Years,” he says, arms folded looking down with a scowl.
“How many?” I ask.
“Uhm…2,3 I think.”
I yell, “You are a liar!”
“Yes I am,” he responded coolly.

There was no remorse.
There hasn’t been remorse since.

He says “Not everyone grieves the same way as you do,” after stonewalling, changing the story and defensiveness.

“Excuse me, but if you had just lost your dream job , there’d be remorse.”

“You don’t know that.” He says in a voice that is seething. He glares and retreats into more silence.

Later that day the IRS confirms no taxes on any kind paid after 2021, basically just when I visit mom regularly after her accident and Alzheimer’s. It would have continued if I had not dug for answers. He is one of most respected people in our corner of the universe. Kids think he is Superman.

We are behind in taxes for nearly four years with my name being on my mother’s bank account which I specifically insisted he respect by being extra cautious and careful with our taxes. She been so generous with us but was now becoming very ill and needed every penny of her life savings for her care. He knew this. And every year lied to me about our taxes.

Now kids are flown and grown, only thing they left behind are memories and their college loan debt.

Now I learn he has lied about our taxes for years. There was no confession moment from him. I had to pay 3K to a tax pro while husband sat and watch me do this keeping mum to later learn we owe upwards of 50k to the IRS. Because he hasn’t paid taxes since 2021.

We have no savings no retirement plan, nothing and he acts like my discussion now of a divorce regarding all his lies makes me a less kind and loving person.

I am still the only caretaker for my mom and it still has me far from home.

My husband has never once debated helping me. This too seems like an unexpected slap in the face.

I don’t feel like I can continue in this marriage but I’m not sure if divorce would serve me well. I hung in there so long believing smart people learn from their mistakes.

Now I’m realizing I probably just wasted a lot of my life with the wrong person. But he makes me feel awful about leaving him. Though not sure why, marital life has not been a bed of roses. But we eat dinner and watch TV together, great. It’s just all the other stuff we share that feels painfully awkward or extremely uncertain or just plain fraudulent. But TV and dinner? We got that part down, baby.

Now I am 65, no savings but feel such disrespect for his continued actions that I don’t feel I can get past it all. I do not know clearly how to proceed. With health issues and no foreseeable monetary security net whether I stay or go. It is all so sad and I feel so stupid.

TLDR husband has history of not paying bills and taxes. I get dinged for it when he does. I’m on disability. He works a job he covets.

But there have been multiple times of financial infidelity. I am terrified to leave. We might not have perfect marriage but I never leave.

Please advise.

I’m scared to get started 2with filing but I need to. His antics are draining all our income. First in the past our savings. Now? my mother’s money, too.

10 years ago he secretly withheld paying property tax. The state came down on me the wife hard. Bc they said it’s the way to get the attention of an avoidant husband who refuses to talk or write back the Tax Board about missing taxes.

That cost us tons from the 401K, bc no savings. Said he was sorry. Then rear ended a woman in a Mercedes after “forgetting to pay car insurance.” I had it in autopay but he had taken it off for some reason and said ge forgot to put it back on.

More out of the 401 K.

Then 4 years ago I put my name on my mom’s bank acct bc she has Alzheimer’s and specifically said he can’t screw up bc I’m an only child and her caregiver so my name is on her entire savings. He acted insulted I felt I had to ask.

This spring I discover on my own (intercepted mail) that he had stoped filing any income taxes for the past three years.

Lied to my face last month when I asked what was going on.

I only got the truth when I hired a tax relief guy to investigate. On the way to call the IRS then he fesses up.

He lied twice to my face to me. I called him a liar he calmly responded. “Yes I am. “

No remorse, no tears just very sheepish he got caught. Lots of blame game on his end. Said he was grieving differently than I would expect him to. Sharp and angry with me about it all.

6 weeks later as we try to dig out from under this mess there has been no authentic moment of remorse. No “I’m so sorry you got hurt. what can I do?”.

I paid a company to help us file and he’s moved on. He’s chipper. Says he’s actually relieved he no longer needs to lie anymore

There are a few unusual moments of some overly nice gestures which I feel are to get me not to divorce him. But it makes me sad.

We are married 34 years now. And he did this? Now he is paying attention to me with kindness? Before I felt invisible.

I do want to divorce him because my trust is shot but am in the middle of dealing with health issues. Cataract surgery and knee replacement

I need to get on my feet before I start the process. I have no real savings and he doesn’t either even though he makes good money doing a job he loves.

But I fear his angry response when I file. It’s just I can’t trust him anymore

Any advice?

Had Cataract surgery a week ago for left eye and two weeks ago for right eye. Very painful eyes. Very sensitive to light. Very burning and bad.

I keep going back to eye doctor and they say to increase the steroid drops to every hour now and ditch the antibiotic ones. My surgeon is out of town for a week.

Don’t know what to do.

I am afraid that this situation isn’t healing normally. Vision blurry, super light sensitive and painful.

Does anyone have experience with recovery from cataracts like this?

TLDR Sjögren’s started during my 1990s treatment for Endometriosis with the injections of Depot Lupron.

My Sjogrens leaped into existence after the first shot. And no OBGYN would affirm the two were related. But I know my body and I know the timing of the collapse of health in my life, so I dug deeper for answers and met with a famous, now retired rheumatologist at Harvard that confirmed the FDA dropped the ball allowing this med on the market bc so many of his patients got deathly ill after taking it.

His his theory and the short explanation of my connection to auto immune disease was that it occurred only after contact with Depot Lupron which for women was not a good thing to have yet is a great med to treat prostate cancer as it immediately blocks all hormonal activity.

However he said that many women, who have a complex hormonal systems, it has a catastrophic effect in their bodies. Depot Lupron shuts down the pituitary gland so quickly and severely that it makes the the metabolic system believe it is in menopause or post menopause. Hormones, he said, are scheduler of age/time related medical issues, so he said that so many of his patients got autoimmune issues, like Sjogrens, because their bodies believed they were way past menopause due to the shock to the system
and so our specific age-related conditions they simply were predisposed to get later in life were kicked into motion by the Depot Lupron.

I was put on 3.75mgs (I think. Need to double check my records for exact amount) of Lupron once a month for 9 mos. straight.

It changed my body for the worse every which way, but while on it I sure didn’t get my period, which they said was the goal of Lupron, it was to “rest my ovaries.”

As my Harvard doctor informed me, the entire reason it was on the market was because it was very lucrative. He said I was given Lupron to “rest my ovaries,” when a simple time tested alternative would have been far less toxic medication to do this, like a simple $12 prescription bc pill. His point was a bc pill could do the job we were given a drug that shut down our pituitary gland to do. Something far less shocking to our complex hormonal system could have done the same job, with less risk to women.

However Lupron, which was made by TAKEDA Abbott at that time, was billing of insurances close to $2k per injection and charging patients somewhere around $700 a shot for this drug then considered to “off label.”

But none of this medication background were we told of. Conversely, we were told we were making up any connection between our sudden bouts of memory loss, fatigue, bone and joint pain and our trajectories of autoimmune disease was a coincidence.

They talked me into staying on it until I finally refused to ever take it again.

And since then? The costs of my now very expensive medications for a disease I believe I may not have had at all prior to taking large doses of Lupron and are astronomical.

I am not posting to stoke the fires of fear mongering, or to advance tiresome conspiracy theories. I am merely sharing my experience here incase this helps another woman or man connect the dots on the reason they may have gotten this autoimmune disorder when they did.

I hope I am one of the rare unlucky few who reacted to Lupron this way, but if there is anyone else out there that also got SS during their treatment with Lupron I would be interested to hear their story.