u/According-Weekend792

Last year I was prescribed Vyvanse and it triggered a 3 month long manic episode and an 8 month long depression which resulted in a hospitalization for suicidality. Ever since my manic episode, I have been experiencing akathisia or some sort of other psychomotor agitation every single day from the moment I wake up to the late afternoon/evening. It subsides as the day goes on.

It is so fucking exhausting to push through that I will try to take mid-day naps so I don’t have to be conscious. Usually it stops after I take a nap.

I get plenty of sleep. I sleep every night for 10+ hours and yet I still wake up tired from managing this. The other week I was at school and I had an online therapist appointment. I slept the whole night, but the restlessness came up in the middle of my appointment, and it was so all consuming that I fell asleep in the middle of the appointment and then proceeded to sleep for another half an hour. The nap didn’t help and I spent the entire class bouncing my leg and swiveling in my chair, fighting to pay attention to anything but this feeling throughout my entire body. There are no cognitive distortions paired with it, and it is entirely physical.

Some days it feels like my entire day was spent just trying to not react to this sensation that I can only describe as doom, agitation, inflammation… I don’t even know. I’m getting so fed up with this. It’s been a fucking year. How can I possibly be a functioning adult when my goal is to be the least conscious as possible so I don’t feel like hot garbage.

Even an objectively good day does nothing. Whether I’m at school, work, or doing fun things it still happens…

The first time I tripped on shrooms, I probably took 2 grams. It was lovely. It was fairy themed, the world was glittering, I sat in the grass and watched the bugs skitter around. The sun was amazing, and I felt a loving spiritual embrace from the universe and was visited by various spirits and archetypes who reassured me about my existence and purpose.

I had one other good experience with my friend. I felt this sense of “you know what, this living thing isn’t so bad”. No visuals.

My last and third good experience was the most visually intense. I watched a movie from my childhood with my family and giggled a lot.

However, the past few times have been so utterly uncomfortable and terrible. My nerves feel inflamed, I can’t control my emotions, I get uncomfortable, sensory overloaded, and I get this frantic urge to clean my house. Like, my house looks unusually filthy to me and it’s very distressing. This deep sense of hopelessness and neurosis. It makes me feel hysterical. I also tried to go to the museum with my friends and my psyche just felt… irritated.

I just trip sat with my friend and they had the same uncomfortable feeling I’ve been experiencing lately.

I’m wondering, is it just this batch that I grew? Is it a set and setting issue? Can you overuse mushrooms and they get mad at you?

Just…Have any of you guys started out with good experiences and then it slowly fell off into misery?

I’m just mostly venting… I starting growing to help my depression. I’ve been having a difficult summer and just wanted something to help ground me to my purpose. I’m taking it weirdly personal even though that’s not logical at all. Maybe I’ve put them on a pedestal as a cure. I just wanted to feel profound closeness to the universe, and I feel dejected recently.

Interpret this how you wish. Will Venmo $15 at least for the victor of boobified Patrick Bateman.