u/Aggressive-Cup-9084

How’d you get through it..

How’d you get thru it.

I’m of the world more than I am in Christ and I have no problem with it or living in the flesh and the moment and having a hardwired heart I have no issue , how do I care again

How to I return to Christ after years of avoiding and backsliding and I mean emotion wise hardened like an apostate , I drifted suddenly and quickly and I’m of the world really , I want to get out but not badly enough that when I say or pray or try to surrender that it’s not fully genuien , on my knees asking to surrender and the second I feel myself losing control I must go do something of my own will, wether it be music food people tv, I hate losing control and I hate feeling alone and I feel alone now I’m trapped in my distractions and self coping and pity , I wish I missed God but I’m so hardened , I want to miss him he’s my dad dude and I’ve just like haven’t missed him this whole time idk , and I should miss him

You know when Christ saves you and everything just feels great and simple and you despise sin And the Holy Spirit dwells within you and you just live day by day waiting for Christ’s return? Well ive been astray now for almost 2 years if not 2 years already , so much sin so much hardening of the heart , idk what to do

all my posts are very long and tend to get minimal responses , still responses and appreciated responses but not many so I’ll keep it short , how does one return to Christ when have genuinely known and loved Christ and left or backslid from him? Someone who once loved him and now is so far from him I don’t remember his presence or his voice or how to genuinely pray or repent my heart is so hardened from avoiding him and conviction and hardened from the disgusting things I’ve done, and I don’t mean disgusting as in spritually I mean as even the world is disgusted by the things I’ve done, so I mean ya it’s more than just hardened , and I avoid God and then I tell him I love him and I surround myself with Christian music and podcasts and I talk about Christ when ppl ask and I offer Bible study with friends but I’m no where near him and I avoid him all day and smoke and drink and still fornicate and play my video game for like 15 hours a day just avoiding , yooo someone help bro I mean only Jesus can idk I miss him fr , I’m pretty much an apostate in my heart I just haven’t said it with my tongue , and I’m like easu , I only rlly have a pull to Christ or think about him when i remember 1. What he gave me /gifts , 2. I’ll go to hell , 3. I know it’s wrong , like if it wasn’t for those I’m almost certain I’d just brush him off without a second thought I’m so serious , it’s like I never met Christ , I sometimes even have thoughts ab him that are wicked and I do not know if they are from me sometimes I have thoughts of “renouncing “ and I just don’t understand. I’m also having a difficult time feeling remorse for hurting God even though I know what sin does to him, I just don’t feel the Holy Spirit giving me these feelings anymore , and when I do I always seem to hide myself

How to repent with a genuine unmotived heart? One might say repentance is simply a full change in direction , others would say it’s truly feeling sorry, others would say it’s both I would say it’s both , and I’m struggling with both to be honest. When Jesus first forms a relationship with you and you him the whole world flips and shuts down, soon nothing and nobody has anything to offer besides Jesus Christ and you wouldn’t have it any other way, no matter the hard ships he will deliver you, well I must have forgotten that when I was a baby sprout because once I was in what I believe was my first wilderness season or some season of God testing my faith because while he turned my life around and my habits around and my loves around I still hadn’t rlly been tested, of course I chose Christ he’s CHRIST HES ELOHIM , so of course you soon must be tested for Christ , no? For Christ must break you like job was broken in some shape or form. Well I did NOT realise that my friends , I like to believe if I did this never would’ve happen but that’s putting faith in myself and what I know and honestly maybe that’s why I’m where I am friends . Well during this season I began to feel very lonely so I asked God for a girlfriend. I told him I longed for a woman’s presence and affection , I longed for physical touch & of course I was only 17 and recently saved so where did I really think this was going? That he was going to give my other half my yolk? At 17? How immature , so of course when I ran into an old ex I assumed it was God answering my prayers!! So I went fully into that relationship unprepared, inpatient , not understanding , and not ready. And when our first hardship came our first adultery incident , did I run to God and say ABBA this cannot be the woman for me she is not loyal please help me leave? No I didn’t I said abba I love and care for this woman I’m sure I can help her , I’m sure you can help her through me of course , but I was so mistaken. After maybe almost a year or 8 months we were going to break up , and me knowing I was going back to this feeling this dread that I didn’t understand , convinced her to not leave and also let me live with her because well that feeling that I was avoiding always seemed to stop when I was with her, so see now I’m living with her and engaging in consistent sins that are slowly starting to no longer convinct me, I would convince myself I’m still convicted and I was okay and I’d return soon and I’ll be ready soon dad and don’t worry dad I’m just in to much pain give me a bit I’m sure you’ll give me a bit, turned into 2 years, of unrepentant sin , hardening of the heart, and disgusting actions , utter defilement to the name of Christ I mean I wanted to save this woman and for all I know the name of Christ is tainted in her mind forever because what type of man of Christ manipulates lies yells breaks demeans and undermines and so much more ?? NONE for JESUS WOULD NEVER. Forgive me

always hear pray repent and turn, everytime I try to pray I get sweaty and fearful or I feel nothing at all, everytime I say I repent and cut myself off from the world , friends , tv, ex girlfriend I feel alive and on the right road and then the loneliness kicks in and before I know it I’m spending 2 weeks with my ex who I recently lived with for 2 years ( yolking with her was the foundation of my backsliding from Christ in the first place) yolking with the world kinda messes your entire walk if your as weak as I am I mean Weere Litterly not supposed to be of this world yet I thought maybe God would save her, I think the answers right infront of me, cancel out all distractions all worldly things , probably never talk to her again unless she needs someone to talk to ( I dnt know I still love her) and talk to Jesus day and night, it just isn’t easy anymore and it was never promised to be easy but when I hit my knees and pray everything around me feels so dark so lonely and so disconnected, it’s like I know I’m signing up for 0 distractions and straight raw dogging my pain and trauma with the Lord, not something that comes gradually or unexpected with joy for deliverance of my past life like once before .. did I answer my own question?

always hear pray repent and turn, everytime I try to pray I get sweaty and fearful or I feel nothing at all, everytime I say I repent and cut myself off from the world , friends , tv, ex girlfriend I feel alive and on the right road and then the loneliness kicks in and before I know it I’m spending 2 weeks with my ex who I recently lived with for 2 years ( yolking with her was the foundation of my backsliding from Christ in the first place) yolking with the world kinda messes your entire walk if your as weak as I am I mean Weere Litterly not supposed to be of this world yet I thought maybe God would save her, I think the answers right infront of me, cancel out all distractions all worldly things , probably never talk to her again unless she needs someone to talk to ( I dnt know I still love her) and talk to Jesus day and night, it just isn’t easy anymore and it was never promised to be easy but when I hit my knees and pray everything around me feels so dark so lonely and so disconnected, it’s like I know I’m signing up for 0 distractions and straight raw dogging my pain and trauma with the Lord, not something that comes gradually or unexpected with joy for deliverance of my past life like once before .. did I answer my own question?