All my attempts to socialize are a failure. I suspect Im in spectrum.
F19.All my life I have been observing how I, being a seemingly beautiful, interesting and creative person, do not see interest in myself from others. No one believes that I have never had friends or a boyfriend, I do not remember a dialogue in my life lasting more than a couple of sentences. It's as if I don't exist. I try to forget about it and live on my own, but something is missing. I have very strange hobbies in the form of eternal viewing and creating NSFW art (it was very harmful for me) and a strong hyperfixation on doom. I'm also fond of sports, but I'm a huge lewdy person and I don't want to communicate with people like me, especially guys. Before I looked good, my life was even worse. I don't want to remember it. Bullying and sexual abuse may have influenced the lack of socialization. Yes, maybe I'm cringe, but it saves me from suicide.