u/Alive_Cupcake_2851

I'm in kind of a weird spot...normal BMI (close to no muscle mass though) and eating my maintenance calories every day, even though it's a struggle to stay at maintenance due to my high appetite. So here's the thing, I never let myself eat out at restaurants or have treats, or basically go over my calorie budget like...ever. because I lose control and binge super super hard (at least 6k calories during a binge). I know a binge here and there isn't technically the end of the world, but I just can't deal with the guilt and shame anymore so I guess only healthy whole foods for me forever. I really wanted to indulge with food for my first mother's day... but I know how much weight I would gain and how guilty I would feel, so I'm just going to have to miss out on mother's Day.

For my own health, I had a DEXA scan done which determined I have osteopenia and close to zero muscle mass. My doctor wants me to gain a LOT of muscle weight, but here's the kicker: he doesn't want me to gain any fat at all, since my body fat percentage is on the very high end of normal (won't say exact numbers so I don't trigger) and I really don't know how to describe how I'm feeling. Dejected, I guess? All I know is that it doesn't feel good and it's making me afraid to eat or indulge, like I'm about to spiral again all because of these stupid results.