u/Alternative-Cat-9686

if God is all-powerful and created the universe, he is supposed to be able to do anything. if he is all-loving, he wouldn't want children to suffer. so if he has the power to stop it, knows it's happening, and chooses not to, he either isn't all-powerful, or he isn't all-loving.

if God can intervene to answer prayers about everyday things like helping someone win a football game or survive a car crash… why can't he intervene to stop a famine or a terminal illness in a child? if he has the power to do the small things, he has the power to do the big things.

if a human adult stood by and watched a child drown when they easily could have reached out a hand to save them, we would call that person a monster and put them in prison. why do we hold a supposedly perfect, all-loving God to a lower moral standard than a regular human being?

"well, humans cause the suffering because of free will," children die from cancer, earthquakes, and tsunamis. free will doesn't cause natural disasters or pediatric diseases.

i had a follow-up appointment with my gi doctor. my parents were in the room with me while i updated him on my stomach issues, and he adjusted my medication. but then, my parents dropped a bomb. they told him i had stopped going to school.

the doctor looked at us and said that my ongoing stomach issues, combined with my loss of interest in school, could actually be linked to depression.

the second he said it, my head whipped around. i stared out the window, fighting back tears. i have never wanted to escape a room so badly in my entire life. i’ve been secretly struggling with my mental health for years. because my parents have never taken mental health seriously, i already knew they were furious.

as soon as we stepped outside the room, my mom quietly asked my dad if we should schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. my dad just shrugged it off and said, "we don't have the money for it." we checked out and left.

just... wow. who would have thought i’d turn out this way? honestly, it felt inevitable. but now the secret is out, and my parents know something is wrong. what’s wild is that i know they don’t really care… and im strangely relieved.

complete silence and crying with my face covered all the way home.

i feel like they wouldn’t feel bad about my death and for how i was hurting, because they can’t grasp the concept that you can be young and mentally ill too.

i feel that my mom would only cry because she’s naturally more of an emotional person and because she birthed me, so she’ll see me as an extension of herself. not because i was an actual person and what i felt mattered.

my dad would fake it all for sympathy and attention from others. he’d use my death as an excuse for things and mention it from time to time to others to seem like this innocent guy who did no wrong and unfortunately lost his child that way. i refuse to believe he’d see it any other way.

as for my sister, (with narcissistic tendencies) i don’t really know. she might just think i did it for attention. because she’s also felt that way but didn’t actually do it, so she’d see it as a sign of weakness and probably hate me for it/think i’m an embarrassment.

i never had a connection to food, but it feels completely hollow now

anyone else?

i was having a existential crisis moment and those exact words came to mind.

all of this for what? to just die and be forgotten like millions of others have? so i should be perfectly fine with that fact.

i feel like we desensitized ourselves into having that “YOLO” mindset but this is actually disturbing.

if there is no meaning to any of this then why are we still here? what is our purpose, our reasoning?

i want to understand so badly.

i strongly believe that this is hell and the world confirmed that for me.

i could do well with some people as long as everything stays superficial. (more so online) i don’t like talking often though, so others find it eerie and when im quiet for too long. reminds me that some people need to talk all the time. anyway, i don’t like opening up about my true feelings to people irl which is why i anonymously do online. even then its not about very deep personal stuff. i feel like some things are meant to go to the grave.

someone I was once romantically involved with thinks I have an avoidant attachment style. (he was my talking stage) he doesn't know I actually have SZPD. I never committed to him and always told him I dislike relationships, so I don't see any point in correcting him. however, I still check his tiktok reposts and notice he occasionally reposts things about avoidant partners. and it’s usually negative remarks about it. I understand why he makes that assumption, but it’s simply not accurate.

every moment in my life feels dull and mundane. on days without classes, my routine is entirely isolating. i just wake up, play games, listen to music, eat, and sleep. socializing is completely draining. people see me as a quiet or shy introvert, but the reality is that i simply want to be left entirely alone. i derive no fulfillment or value from human relationships. i hardly go out unless it is for school, and whenever i am out i hate every second of it. i feel an overwhelming sense of emotional numbness. even things that are supposed to bring joy leave me feeling completely numb deep down. i have to consciously force my facial expressions just to blend in and avoid being misjudged. i have minimal daily contact with two people online and my sister, but i dont actually enjoy it. i am completely detached, and life in general seems entirely meaningless