u/Angry_Tomato_

I’ve left a 20-year marriage and am back to the dating world. But I am clueless about dating apps and what are the normal protocols for dating any more, particularly when it comes to physical intimacy.

My ex was not physically affectionate all. He barely ever touched or kissed me. Sometimes told me he was repulsed at the thought. Which is weird because I am an athletic, fine-looking woman. But he avoided affection and intimacy.

I’ve recently been on a few dates with a man who is way physically affectionate and it is a confusing adjustment after pretty much NEVER being touched or kissed. Is this normal?

Part of me wants to take it slow over the course of months. Part of me wants to throw caution to the winds and offer to fuck him at the next opportunity.

I hardly know how to properly process.

Three-year relationship with a man. I let him know from the outset that I am sexually exclusive and he said that was what he wanted, too. The last couple years has been bumpy with devaluing and belittling, and him saying he doesn’t have time or money to do anything with me. He even completely blew off my birthday after I pulled out all the stops for his. And then later I knew he was out all night one Friday in early April.

Then two weeks ago on a Friday night he told me he had to work so he could not see me. Instead I caught him in his lie and out at an event with another woman. I dropped him immediately and went no contact. First week or so was sad, but lately I have been feeling good and even went on one date.

Tonight he sends a bread crumb text. When I don’t respond, he flat out invites me to his house to watch TV *AS IF NOTHING HAD EVER HAPPENED*.

WTAF is this about?!?

I told him that after lying and betraying every trust, if he had anything to say to me he could take me out somewhere. Since he clearly has time and money to date, after all. And he said okay to that! 🤯

I am starting to feel clouded again. I don’t know what his motives are. And the sweet, amiable, always available and helpful me is *gone* so far as he is concerned. Whatever he thinks he wants, he’s in for a goddamned battle now.

I have a date coming up. Should I call or text in advance of the planned meeting?

I am very confused about what proper protocols are. We know each other through a friend group that meets on a weekly basis. This is our first outing separate from the group activities.

I do want to take things slowly.

I am ten days broken up from three years of an emotionally abusive relationship. When he became disregulated he would yell at me without any pause, saying the most cruel and hurtful things that you would never say to any friend or partner.

Even when things were calm, he criticized my clothes, my hair, the music I liked, the pace of my walk, my skills and interests, the way I had sex with him. I tolerated it all and just doubled down to try harder. Purchased trips to see his favorite music groups. Made reservations for a special dinner for his birthday. Bought him gifts.

Towards the end I started trying to self-protect and draw back a bit. It came to a head when he lied about having to work one night, and instead I found him at a bar with another woman. I dropped him immediately. I had accepted years of verbal and emotional abuse, but lies and infidelity I will not tolerate.

Ten days of no contact and I am realizing that the yelling was part of the narcissistic shame-rage cycle and he had to punish me for his shame. I am realizing how much emotional abuse I willingly absorbed over the last three years.

And yet I feel *mostly* fine? My therapist seemed to expect my self-confidence is damaged now, but I am not sure whether that is accurate. Mostly I feel deeply tired. I just want to focus on improving my own life now that the burden of trying to fix his train wreck of a life is lifted.

Should I feel more damaged?

Three year relationship with a covert narcissist. I thought he was just avoidant and I explained away all the times went distant or screamed at and demeaned me. This year though my therapist took out her DSM-V and read the nine diagnostic criteria for NPD. I still wouldn’t believe it, not until nine days ago when he fed me a lie about having to work and then I found him with another woman.

I dropped him cold. I am trying to recover my own life now, which I had sidelined while I tried to help him fix all his messes. In the end he deliberately lied and did something he knew would hurt me when I found out.

I am so tired today. I want to work on projects, but all I feel like doing is sitting on the couch. Trying to push through has failed.

This is at least the third covert narcissist in my life. The first was my husband, which took me 20 years to see. The second I recognized is my brother. Now this man, who exploited me for years.

Is the fatigue normal? I want to get stuff done.

My mom who is 80 lives with me. She’s an excellent cook and usually does most of the cooking. The kitchen is pretty much her domain.

Unfortunately, some of the times when she has prepared something for me I end up very shortly running to the bathroom with diarrhea. She doesn’t wash her hands before preparing food, the wooden cutting board sits next to the stove and might get wiled but never washed, and she has told me that she does not believe in germ theory.

The last time it happened was yesterday with nothing more than some stove-cooked oatmeal.

Any tips on how I can build in some improved food safety in this environment? I am considering taking more control over the kitchen, despite the conflict potential.

It’s exactly one week since I caught him cheating and dropped him.

There are events again in the neighborhood where I saw him out on a date after he lied about having to work.

I am suddenly sad (I haven’t really been sad yet, haven’t cried yet, he treated me so awfully for years once the honeymoon period was past…)

And now am feeling the stupid urge to reach out to seek comfort. And I know this is the worst folly, to seek comfort from the one who uncaringly hurt you. It’s trauma bond stuff.

How do I breathe through the pain?

*BEFORE* you start screwing around?!?

Less than a month ago I reminded him that we agreed to be exclusive. I knew he had gone out and gotten drunk and had to have stayed out all night since he was too drunk to drive. He lied and said he sobered up and then drove.

Three days ago I caught him in the same area with another woman, probably the same one. He had made up a lie saying he had his daughter overnight for a sleepover so he couldn’t see me, but instead he had planned an overnight with this woman. I immediately dropped him.

Why didn’t he just break up with me first? He was even talking earlier that same day about wanting to borrow several thousand dollars from me to deal with an unpaid debt. Is that the whole reason he was keeping me around?

He only knows that I know he lied about being home all night with his daughter. He doesn’t know I walked into that bar and caught him cheating. So after a day he texted a mean, petty complaint. I blocked him.

Apparently he is *angry at me* for having caught him in his lie and for the inconveniences of me leaving him. Like not being able to use all my streaming services for free.

Is that the whole reason to avoid the breakup? Continue to simply exploit me for my resources? That isn’t even a *friend*. What a heel.