u/Anni_88

Assalamu alaikum, I know the title is a bit messy but I'll go into details now. Please help me if you can, I'm in the lowest of my life.

First of all, I'm a revert muslim Alhamdulillah, but ever since childhood I prayed to God and searched for Him in religions and spirituality. I know I wasn't praying to Allah, but my prayers were always sincere.

Shortly, I'm at the point where I'm terrified of the future and of my life, because ever since I was born, all I face (factually, I swear) is 4buse, bu11ying, r4pe and such traumas. I know many have it worse than me, so don't take this as an "I'm at the worst situation ever, pity me" post, but as a genuine cry for help.

Even before I reverted, I was a person with an overall hopeful outlook (whenever my father abused me, I prayed to God with sincere hope that He would send help to me, etc), I always do my best to make people feel that they're not alone and help whomever and however I can. As islam came to my life, I did my best to level up even more, so I stick to the fard prayers and Witr and Tahajjud also, give sadaqah even when I barely have any to give from, if I see someone in physical or emotional need I turn to them immediately, and I constantly try to educate myself on islam. I make lots of duas and work on my yaqeen too.

But I noticed that whenever I pushed myself to just stick around with life, and give it another chance, to get better (and actively put in effort to make it better), it takes an even worse turn that I never even saw coming. Example, I was born half-paralyzed, from this my father thought I'm unworthy of living, so he started 4busing me for two decades. With muscle therapy my legs got good Alhamdulillah, but I was a very clumsy girl and fell every time I walked or ran, which lead to lots of bu11ying at school, from students and teachers. There were years where I was crying walking to school, knowing I'll be picked at, and crying on my way home, knowing I'll be 4bused there. It was extremely heavy.

And then, I saw that no one comes to save me, not even as a child. My family members told me to not burden my mom with my father's actions on me, and my mom herself told me to just bear it and stop whining. I got a metaphor from a closed one that was "(my name), just because your cow got ki11ed, you shouldn't hurt your mother's by complaining to her".

Then, I got locked up by a friend I trusted and r4ped for days. It was terrifying. I hope you see the pattern I'm describing. Whenever I genuinely felt it cannot get worse, it got worse, and now I'm just terrified of future. I pray so much to Allah to help me, the dua always in my sujoods is "rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer", I cry for forgiveness and try my best efforts in every area of my life, but I feel like Allah forgot me. I don't need a huge miracle, but I would need something for my heart, so I can keep going. I was so patient and resilient, but the help did not come. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I hear so much about answered duas and prayers and I'm so happy for those people, but I cannot figure it out why I cannot get a bit of mercy, why none of my duas go accepted (and I know the 3 ways Allah answers duas, but you know what I mean).

I've lost hope and now in Dhul Hijjah I'm trying so much to show Allah that I'm still here with faith, and I'm so scared because even in Ramadan I was doing my very best and not even my tiniest dua got accepted (which was an ice cream on a very sad day of mine). Now that the day of 'Arafah is coming, I'm trying to prepare my heart and give it some hope, but I cannot anymore. How can I hope again? Please help me anyone, I need some kindness.

Assalamu alaikum, I know the title is a bit messy but I'll go into details now. Please help me if you can, I'm in the lowest of my life.

First of all, I'm a revert muslim Alhamdulillah, but ever since childhood I prayed to God and searched for Him in religions and spirituality. I know I wasn't praying to Allah, but my prayers were always sincere.

Shortly, I'm at the point where I'm terrified of the future and of my life, because ever since I was born, all I face (factually, I swear) is 4buse, bu11ying, r4pe and such traumas. I know many have it worse than me, so don't take this as an "I'm at the worst situation ever, pity me" post, but as a genuine cry for help.

Even before I reverted, I was a person with an overall hopeful outlook (whenever my father abused me, I prayed to God with sincere hope that He would send help to me, etc), I always do my best to make people feel that they're not alone and help whomever and however I can. As islam came to my life, I did my best to level up even more, so I stick to the fard prayers and Witr and Tahajjud also, give sadaqah even when I barely have any to give from, if I see someone in physical or emotional need I turn to them immediately, and I constantly try to educate myself on islam. I make lots of duas and work on my yaqeen too.

But I noticed that whenever I pushed myself to just stick around with life, and give it another chance, to get better (and actively put in effort to make it better), it takes an even worse turn that I never even saw coming. Example, I was born half-paralyzed, from this my father thought I'm unworthy of living, so he started 4busing me for two decades. With muscle therapy my legs got good Alhamdulillah, but I was a very clumsy girl and fell every time I walked or ran, which lead to lots of bu11ying at school, from students and teachers. There were years where I was crying walking to school, knowing I'll be picked at, and crying on my way home, knowing I'll be 4bused there. It was extremely heavy.

And then, I saw that no one comes to save me, not even as a child. My family members told me to not burden my mom with my father's actions on me, and my mom herself told me to just bear it and stop whining. I got a metaphor from a closed one that was "(my name), just because your cow got ki11ed, you shouldn't hurt your mother's by complaining to her".

Then, I got locked up by a friend I trusted and r4ped for days. It was terrifying. I hope you see the pattern I'm describing. Whenever I genuinely felt it cannot get worse, it got worse, and now I'm just terrified of future. I pray so much to Allah to help me, the dua always in my sujoods is "rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer", I cry for forgiveness and try my best efforts in every area of my life, but I feel like Allah forgot me. I don't need a huge miracle, but I would need something for my heart, so I can keep going. I was so patient and resilient, but the help did not come. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I hear so much about answered duas and prayers and I'm so happy for those people, but I cannot figure it out why I cannot get a bit of mercy, why none of my duas go accepted (and I know the 3 ways Allah answers duas, but you know what I mean).

I've lost hope and now in Dhul Hijjah I'm trying so much to show Allah that I'm still here with faith, and I'm so scared because even in Ramadan I was doing my very best and not even my tiniest dua got accepted (which was an ice cream on a very sad day of mine). Now that the day of 'Arafah is coming, I'm trying to prepare my heart and give it some hope, but I cannot anymore. How can I hope again? Please help me anyone, I need some kindness.

Please somebody read this, I beg. I really want to talk this out and ask if life gets better. Does it? I have no one to turn to so I could use any kindness and advice.

I'm 24 years old, young yes, but legit since the beginning of my life it's just a huge downhill slide, and whenever I think it cannot get any worse, it gets sooo much worse. I was born half-paralyzed (lower body), and my father saw me as a being unworthy of living. He was very abusive with me (emotionally, verbally and physically) throughout my life since childhood. The health problem I said has vanished thanks to muscle therapy, but my father stayed the same. My mom always brushed my problems off, I could never turn to her and she never protected me against my father. When I asked other family members' help, they just told me to shut up, not to complain, and to never bother my mother with my things again. So there I was, left alone from the age of 10. I cried every single day and prayed to God to save me.

In school I was constantly bullied by teachers too (I was a very quiet girl, got my work done but I was visibly weak so people were picking on that), so I had many years when I was walking to school crying, anxious about what waits for me there, and then crying on my way back home too, not wanting to be there either. It was an extremely heavy period for me.

I had few friends but sooner or later they left my life, we didn't argue but I think I was too gloomy to be fun around.

Years went, and all my life felt so suffocating that I tried to kill myself multiple times. I had to go to therapies (the first one was at the age of 8), but they weren't really helpful. I did all the exercises and self-work stuff they gave, but none of those helped with the abuse and bullying.

Then I met a guy, we got together in LDR and were in it for 5 years. I was (am) a very loyal person and loving also, but as we could meet only once a year, it couldn't really work for longer. We were looking for apartments to move in together but he broke up. It broke me so much.

A day after the breakup, I was locked up and raped for five-six days, by a person I thought was a friend. It killed me.

After that I was suicidal and hated myself more than ever, and when I had the courage 9 months after the incident to tell my close family, they shamed and blamed me. I went to therapies but the mental health care in my country is pathetic so I couldn't go from square 1 to 2.

Then, I met the man I thought I would marry. He said I gave him more love than anyone before in his life, and that I gave him so much within 11 months as no one before, that I was as selfless as his own parents, with him. I truly loved, love this man. But it got revealed that for 10 months he has been actively betraying me and lying to me, about another woman. It killed me.

I feel absolutely hopeless about my life. I was always searching for God in different religions and spirituality and did my best to be a good person, always help others and not to turn bitter despite the things happening to me. I tried so much with my studies, hobbies, to not just live life but actively build life. But despite all my genuine efforts, hopes and prayers, I find myself in darkness and I cannot get out. I feel like I'm thrown in an extremely deep well and the walls are so slippery and smooth that I cannot climb out without help anymore. I'm tired.

And I always heard from people that it's darkest right before dawn, that when you lose hope, something great happens, etc etc. I truly believed this, waited and put in effort to see that good coming. But I find that I've been living in this darkest shit for so many years now, my soul is ripped by all the trauma, I suffer from memory loss, panic attacks, and that small good is still not coming. I'm waiting for a miracle and praying so much for mercy, but there is none. Please somebody help, i'm open to hear advice or anything that gives me hope. Just please say something to me.

Please somebody read this, I beg. I know many have it worse than me, but I really want to talk this out and ask if life gets better. Does it?

I'm 24 years old, young yes, but legit since the beginning of my life it's just a huge downhill slide, and whenever I think it cannot get any worse, it gets sooo much worse. I was born half-paralyzed (lower body), and my father saw me as a being unworthy of living. He was very abusive with me (emotionally, verbally and physically) throughout my life since childhood. The health problem I said has vanished thanks to muscle therapy, but my father stayed the same. My mom always brushed my problems off, I could never turn to her and she never protected me against my father. When I asked other family members' help, they just told me to shut up, not to complain, and to never bother my mother with my things again. So there I was, left alone from the age of 10. I cried every single day and prayed to God to save me.

In school I was constantly bullied by teachers too (I was a very quiet girl, got my work done but I was visibly weak so people were picking on that), so I had many years when I was walking to school crying, anxious about what waits for me there, and then crying on my way back home too, not wanting to be there either. It was an extremely heavy period for me.

I had few friends but sooner or later they left my life, we didn't argue but I think I was too gloomy to be fun around.

Years went, and all my life felt so suffocating that I tried to kill myself multiple times. I had to go to therapies (the first one was at the age of 8), but they weren't really helpful. I did all the exercises and self-work stuff they gave, but none of those helped with the abuse and bullying.

Then I met a guy, we got together in LDR and were in it for 5 years. I was (am) a very loyal person and loving also, but as we could meet only once a year, it couldn't really work for longer. We were looking for apartments to move in together but he broke up. It broke me so much.

A day after the breakup, I was locked up and raped for five-six days, by a person I thought was a friend. It killed me.

After that I was suicidal and hated myself more than ever, and when I had the courage 9 months after the incident to tell my close family, they shamed and blamed me. I went to therapies but the mental health care in my country is pathetic so I couldn't go from square 1 to 2.

Then, I met the man I thought I would marry. He said I gave him more love than anyone before in his life, and that I gave him so much within 11 months as no one before, that I was as selfless as his own parents, with him. I truly loved, love this man. But it got revealed that for 10 months he has been actively betraying me and lying to me, about another woman. It killed me.

I feel absolutely hopeless about my life. I was always searching for God in different religions and spirituality and did my best to be a good person, always help others and not to turn bitter despite the things happening to me. I tried so much with my studies, hobbies, to not just live life but actively build life. But despite all my genuine efforts, hopes and prayers, I find myself in darkness and I cannot get out. I feel like I'm thrown in an extremely deep well and the walls are so slippery and smooth that I cannot climb out without help anymore. I'm tired.

And I always heard from people that it's darkest right before dawn, that when you lose hope, something great happens, etc etc. I truly believed this, waited and put in effort to see that good coming. But I find that I've been living in this darkest shit for so many years now, my soul is ripped by all the trauma, I suffer from memory loss, panic attacks, and that small good is still not coming. I'm waiting for a miracle and praying so much for mercy, but there is none. Please somebody help, i'm open to hear advice or anything that gives me hope. Just please say something to me.

Edit of the title: for 11 months

I won't even try to make this short, it's too heavy on me. First of all I'm a stereotypically naive person when it comes to love, I do believe in things like the one, and making it work for life and the spark not having to go away. I'm very loyal and respectful from my end (all my previous relationships and my current guy says the same), and I'm many times overgiving (which I know is not a good thing). I never had one night stands, my mentality is a bit old-school we can say.

The thing is, I met this man after going through the toughest years of my life. Whole childhood of mine was full of abuse and emotional neglect, I never had anyone to turn to, and even when I did, I was always turned down. Then the guy whom I was in a 5 year long relationship with, and we were legit looking for apartments where to live together, he broke up. This hurt me a lot, obviously.

A day after the breakup, I got raped and locked up for around a week, it was terrifying. That was my last straw, like I felt that even when my life was at the lowest spot, it still could and did go worse. I completely lost all my hope, suffered memory loss and panic attacks from the traumas. I went to therapy a lot, put in all effort to heal as much as possible.

Then finally, this man came to my life. He was everything I ever wanted, from personality through his heart to his looks, spot on. We clicked pretty quick and he told me plenty of times that it scares him how much faster I read him than anyone else he's ever met. Of course we both had out own issues; mine was insecurity after all that happened. I told him early on that I won't try to sell myself as a flawless human and I told him honestly about my trauma so that he knows my mistrust is not against him, it's an effect of what happened. But it hurt him deeply that I often came back to him asking for reassurance, especially about a certain girl whom he was meeting with before he met me.

He told me he sees me as someone he can go serious with, so he chooses me and tells the other girl about his decision. I respected this but something felt weird. Whenever I heard or thought about her, I had a knot in my stomach, and I was never ever the jealous type.

Turned out that he wouldn't cut her off and they would stay in a friendship. I was like okay fine, even I have to accept his boundaries, so as a gesture of respect, I got off the topic.

Things went on for more months, we were getting serious. We had our bumps but overall we loved and understood each other so well, I felt like this will be marriage one day. He went back to his home country to visit his family, and I asked him if he wishes me to join him to the airport so we can spend the last day together. He said he never goes to the airport with anyone. I respected this and said goodbye at our last meets, and he said by with "once I come back, I want you to be my girlfriend". I was head over heels.

Well, fast forward to two weeks ago from now, it turned out he was lying to me (the airport one was just one example of the many). He spend the entire last day and night with that other girl, he wanted HER to drop off at the airport, not me.

Then I got to know so much. It got revealed (from him) that they were all along in such a "friendship" where they call each other "baby", "babe", say I love yous and I miss yous constantly. And the best part is, the girl is still in love with my guy and he knows this. But they both call this a friendship and go to sleepovers (!!) to each other's place all the time.

I was shocked by all this but after lots of thinking and evaluating, I offered him that I have the capacity of forgiveness in my heart for him, so if he puts his shit together, then we can still make this into a thing. I believe that everyone can be idiot and if there is a real regret, then he deserves a second chance. But he is not even trying. Whenever we meet, he's as loving and affectionate and serious as always, but when we only have chat during the week, he's distant. And he told me he will keep the other girl as his friend, but without the weird shit I mentioned above.

I deeply love this man and want to forgive him, but I don't understand why he's not trying harder. He told me he did this to me because "I knew you wouldn't ever figure it out" and because "you have given me everything and I took you for granted".

If I really, honestly want him still, then what to do? I know many would say to leave him, but if we take that out of the options and I choose to give him a second chance? Please anyone help, this all thing is killing me.

TL;DR: I’m someone who believes deeply in love, loyalty, and making relationships last. After surviving a traumatic childhood, a devastating breakup, and sexual assault, I spent years healing in therapy.

Then I met a man who felt like everything I’d ever wanted. We connected intensely, talked seriously about a future together, and I trusted him despite my insecurities and past trauma. Early on, there was another girl in the picture, but he reassured me he chose me and said they would remain “just friends.”

Over time, I found out he had been lying to me. While telling me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, he was spending intimate time with this other girl, hiding their relationship dynamic from me. They called each other pet names, said “I love you,” had sleepovers, and he knew she was still in love with him.

Even after discovering everything, I still offered forgiveness because I genuinely love him and believe people can make mistakes and change. But instead of truly fighting for us, he stays emotionally inconsistent , loving in person, distant otherwise, and insists on keeping her in his life.