u/Anxious__24_7

This is probably gonna be a very long post, but I need to write out my thoughts which are jumbled af, so bear with me, and if you end up reading all of my rambling then thank you🫶.

Soo I started questioning last year and then I started researching my "doubts" hoping it'll get better, it started from the slave women thing and then hijab not being obligatory (I've been wearing it since I was 15 but I'm pretty sure I'll take it off this year because even as a Muslim I do not think it's obligatory I hate the hyperfixation on womens dressing so much bruh its so disgusting). But I didn't have time due to studies and stuff so I was just being like a passively? Muslim like I just put my mesa of doubts to a side and gaslighted myself into believing because it's easier.

Now I have a bit more free time and these thoughts are coming back again, I posted on this sub reddit yesterday as well about hell and I wanna start researching things again to be more clear about what I believe in, its so fucking hard bruh, when you grow up knowing what to believe, what is after death etc but now all of a sudden your foundation cracks the building falls and you have zero clue what you have been doing with your life. I had an extremist Islamic phase when I was 15 it was mostly due to guilt and idk an interest in wanting to gain knowledge about my religion?

Now back to the title of my post.

I believe I am still staying due to Quran, when I read it I feel its from God if you get what I mean, yes ik indoctrination and yes ik I cannot be objective about a book that has been taught to me is from divine since childhood. But how do I explain that it has been protected since so many centuries? It's the same everywhere right now, isn't it a miracle?

I think its also because of fear that I'm staying, fear of being wrong and having to face the consequences of my actions.

Of course societal pressure also plays a part ig.

And I've noticed mostly on this sub and Ex Muslims in general bring up debates from the hadiths, ik a lot of disgusting hadiths exist, the thing is when my doubts started I became a progressive Muslim or rather Quranist so I don't believe hadiths to be divine I think most of them are BS and fabricated, I don't even understand how people can be foolish enough to follow them like wtf😭🙏 but idk bruh I don't have many problems with the Quran, since most ayahs that seem to be misogynistic are mostly mis interpreted tho idk bruh I do feel Islam as a whole is misogynistic af and idk how ppl keep telling themselves that it is misogynistic.

Now idk what to do, I am sure I'm gonna take off the hijab and becomes less religious, I'm from Pakistan so there is a religious atmosphere but it's not that extreme so I have a bit of leeway tho idk how my parents will react, but I have 0 clue what to do about prayer, as someone who has been praying consistently since I was 13 its hard to not leave it and its hard to pray it, I haven't prayed since 1 day and I feel guilty af, I think maybe I'll keep praying for my peace of mind?😭 it sucks tho bruh how do I believe in this religion anymore idk. I am also worried about marriage later (though probably like 6 years until my parents start talking about it) becauee I would hateee to marry a religious man🤮 but thats a struggle for future lol.

I know this was not articulate at all but I needed to put my thoughts into writing.Thx for reading.

Never did I ever think I'd post here😔🙏 but I'm so tired bruh, for the past 1 year I've just been trying to gaslight myself into believing yk and it's mainly because religion provided me with comfort and I actually loved it at some point and also because in this country I cannot truly ever be religion less, so rather than faking it for the people I'd want to accept it fr, if you get what I mean.

But it's so hard bruh so many freaking doubts and ew things but one thing I really cannot get over is the fear of hell, that's the only reason I still pray 5 times a day, what if I die and just because of my one decision (even tho I lived most of my life religiously) I'm thrown into hell😵 I don't believe a God so unjust and cruel can exist but that is what Islam says, I'm so sick of this bruh, I wish my indoctrination lasted for a lifetime or that no religion ever existed.

I applied for the 2nd admission test, couldn't give the first one, if anyone can guide it'll be nicee😭🫶 when does the roll no slip come and how do I prepare for it?

I hate being so late and uneducated about this but bruh😭 I just found out the entry test is on 14, my exams finish on 12 June (2nd year) and I'm not even still sure what Uni and department I wanna opt for, I'm maybe thinking Psychology so I heard PU is the best for Psychology, but how am I supposed to prepare for it's entry test in 1 day??😭

• Does PU only have 1 entry test? Sorry for having 0 knowledge about this btw

Whats yalls opinions on fasting on the day of Arafah?

Honestly did not think about this when I thought I'd take off the hijab because I do not think it's obligatory, and honestly I don't even think it is necessary to pray, but because of the society we live in and the indoctrination it would feel very weird to pray without the hijab in public yk, so how am I supposed to deal with this, especially because all the Hijabis online love to bash ppl by saying "don't wear it if you can't face Allah in it"

Like the absolute bs???😭 men can face Allah, the creator of the universe, without covering their hair but women can't because how blasphemous?? Make it make sense, isn't Allah ever-present and all seeing wdym we have to be modest against Him SWT

THIS MAKES NO SENSE BRUH

I gave myself a deadline about taking off the hijab, it's basically after my finals when I'll not be in the same friend group anymore (for context everyone in my friend group is a hijabi) soo my finals are so close, I'm freaking excited, nervous and overall a mess, idek how to explain this feeling, I'm gonna dye my hair and take the hijab off and go to uni, it's easier said than done, but I am excited and very scares icl.

I thought this sub was different but I've noticed in every Muslim community, people are so condescending and think they are morally superior to others, even someone asking an innocent question and even here I've seen the "land you in hell", the fear mongering God, it's so disgusting, I thought yall were different but men here are misogynistic as well icl, can Muslims ever form a loving community?

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Ik this is not exactly the sub to post this but I need an answer, what would your answer be to people that say they are not a feminist because Islam has gender roles and they support these gender roles? Like men providing etc.

Idk this argument just gives me the ick but I cannot point out why.

Ik this is not exactly the sub to post this but I need an answer, what would your answer be to people that say they are not a feminist because Islam has gender roles and they support these gender roles? Like men providing etc.

Idk this argument just gives me the ick but I cannot point out why.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXctFdBtVID/

I used to loveee this influencer so much, she was the one who influenced me to want to start Hijab ig at the age of 13, I took it at 14-15 though, like she was so free, knowledgeable and honestly so graceful, but idk she got married became a mom (I am not undermining them at all) and all her content became about parenting, Allahumabarik I hope she remains happy, but then she started posting things like THIS.

And honestly it irks me soo bad, and then I wonder if these people never even thought thar Hijab might not be obligatory? You're telling me a Higher Power, God would say to women to cover themselves like this, it is HARD bruh very hard especially just that it's your vessel not your soul, and just say nothing to men? No the hijab of eyes that men have cannot be compared to this hiding of hand face and idk eyes? It's so crazy if you compare them, it is just not fair and then we have people saying its not hijab thats not this and that as if they are gonna be answerable to God in the other person's place, really really pmo icl.