I hate living in a country and world where I'm constantly being harassed for just existing and trying to survive. (FTM, in the USA.)
(TL; DR) I added a content warning flair because my emotions around this topic are very intense, and I don't want anyone to spiral because of a post I made. I also want to preface this by reassuring that I'm not making a doom post and saying that all trans people are doomed or whatnot. In no means am I trying to discourage or terrify people here. I'm just scared and want help and reassurance.
I hate living in the US. Frankly, I hate living in this world. I feel like a fish out of water, or someone wearing a shirt two sizes too small for them. Like all the spider people when they got transported to Miles Morales's universe instead of their own. This universe just feels like it isn't made for people like me. Whenever I leave the house now, unless I'm at school or some sort of safe, private event, I have to be constantly aware of how I'm walking and what I'm talking about. I have no way of knowing if a stranger next to me in a shopping line is someone who hates LGBTQ people, and that terrifies the crap out of me. I also walk with a cane and sometimes use a wheelchair because I have a physical disability, and that only adds to the fear building inside of me because so many people are ableist, too. I've stopped using public restrooms because I'm scared a stranger is gonna mistake me for a girl and get angry that I'm in the guy's bathroom.
Even though I go to a very diverse arts school, I still get teased there sometimes. These two jerks keep bothering me and saying these unnecessary comments about me. They laughed and stared at me when I was wearing shorts one day, and it was like 95° Fahrenheit out. They kicked my cane away from me while I was holding it. They mocked me when I told them my name. They told me I was "too gay." But I'm gonna be leaving this school in less than a month, and they won't be coming with me, so I feel like there's no point in doing anything about it.
I have started on HRT and am about 4 weeks in, so my dysphoria is easing up, but my fear of living in this country is only getting worse. I'm going on vacation to a fairly red state soon, and I'm so terrified for my own safety, even though I'm not moving there and won't lose access to Healthcare. ICE has been frequently spotted in this state, and they terrify me so badly, even though I'm white. I don't like seeing tall, white, masked people with guns. I'm worried that if I see one of them, I'll just either run away and get lost from my family, freeze on the spot and start hyperventilating, or impulsively and unnecessarily alert everyone around me about that person with the gun and draw even more attention to myself.
I feel so helpless. I'm still a teenager, so I can't vote, and I can't even drive. I live in a fairly lower middle-class family, too. I feel like I can't do anything to help make any of this better, but I also barely know anything on how to keep myself safe in public. I can't help anyone else like me feel safer, and I can't help myself either. Why do so many people have to hate me when I'm not doing anything to harm them? I'm not forcing my identity onto them and telling them to become trans. I'm just trying to survive. But they can't handle a few simple differences. I don't know how I'm gonna survive the last two years of this. Can someone give me some advice or comfort or sympathy?